Discipline Notes

Updates

2011-11-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

I miss blogging but as the months roll by, there seems to be less and less time. I don't know if this is a return to blogging, but I was instructed to write an update of where I am now, vs. where I was almost exactly a year ago, the last time I posted. So I figured, may as well write it on the blog!!!
Things are progressing, is how I see it. Regardless of what a person wants, life has a tendency to move on. My friend and I recently celebrate 18 months together (we verbally celebrate an anniversary every Thursday...81 weeks 2 days ago). Our respective mental health professionals are amazed that we don't fight. Perhaps in response to that, we have had some serious conversations regarding a difference of opinion. Just one and because we are both so careful, it never turns into shouting or ugliness and I think that is a credit to both of us. Our plans right now are that in July, 2012, he'll be moving in. So we are dealing with trying to prepare for the coming fallout of telling my child and my ex this in January. It's not going to be pretty. But this is life.
The biggest frustration I have, with myself, is that I find it very difficult to make up my mind, sometimes, about things. And then I worry that he feels that is unfair. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner who is going to support me and help me and that is him. At the same time, he mentions that I keep so much to myself, perhaps hidden would be the word I'd use because we don't live together yet and I want to spare him as much of my crazy life as I can until he's here and has no choice but to live in it. He wants to be a total dominant of my life, I think. And I can't decide how that makes me feel. I love being his submissive sexually. And I know he knows me well enough to know that I will always be solicitous of him in our day to day lives. I'm not confrontational, I'm not argumentative and I will always ask his advice/opinion/input and if it's something that does directly involve him, I will discuss it respectfully and my guess is will adhere to his wishes if it's something that I may disagree with. I think he appreciates this, but he does not see this as true submission. And that's what he seems to want. Full time submission. 24-7. I just don't know. I started thinking the other day that it just seems like 1 more thing to do and I already am going on barely 6 hours of sleep a night, two jobs and the kid. Now I have to seek him out and ask permission to have dinner w/ a friend? Really? If something is important to me, I don't see him refusing me any respectful request, but there's a block somewhere. Even though I trust him 100% and love being under his total control sexually, the real life stuff feels harder. And I don't know how that will play out when we're living together.
I also struggle a bit with the BDSM community he has immersed himself (and by extension me) in. I go to events and I feel so disconnected and resentful to even be there, but then I know how horrible I would feel if he stopped going because I didn't like it. However then I will go to an event with him and feel fine and even enjoy myself. I seem so on the fence. I don't know what the problem is and I can't explain it to him because I can't explain it to me either.
I guess the simplest way to put it, is that life has happened. I am still so much in love, so happy, so grateful that I found this man who is everything I ever wanted. But as I've told him, and some others, the love, the sex, that's easy. That's effortless. I can love him as easily as I can breath. It's the parent teacher conferences, it's the ex, it's the family dynamics and the bills and orthodontists and broken down furnaces and sick pets and violin lessons that are challenging. Love is easy. Life is hard. And lucky for me, I found a true partner who always has my back.
And also luckily for your friendly neighborhood masochist, he's usually got some sort of implement when he does have my back! He has amassed quite a collection over the past year and that element of our relationship continues to thrive and flourish. There are other dynamics to our sexual relation ship that are discussed and considered, but right now, it's just him still knowing exactly what my body needs, exactly what my heart needs.
81 weeks and 2 days and I continue to be astounded at my luck in finding him. We aren't perfect, but I still can't find any hard evidence that we aren't perfect for each other.

That Thing The Rest of us Do

2010-10-31T06:51:00.001-07:00

It's different, what My Friend and I do. We read the blogs written so well by others in the community and sometimes it's a wonderful window into explaining things we cannot. But just as often, if not more often, it's different. We aren't married, we don't live together, our time is so very limited. I am very well spanked, very well satisfied, but it's different. I have 1 hard and fast rule and whether that rule is followed or not is, always, on the honor system because he's not here to view and enforce it. We are connected daily, but most of the time, not in person, so he's not witness to any emotional issues I may be experiencing. It's different because I am so adverse to confrontation and so gun shy about arguements that when I'm in a bad place, I don't show that. That's not dishonesty, that's knowing things will subside on their own and why expose him to that? It's different because of all the past bumps and mistakes and heartbreak we both have had and our absolute determination, individually, before we ever came together, to avoid them again if possible. I see the bigger picture and things that might annoy me are truly not worth even discussing because in the bigger picture they are so inconsequential. It's different because we discuss our own shortcomings ad nauseum when we're in a good place, rather than letting the other discover during the heat of the moment "WoW! You're a total stark raving lunatic! I had no idea you sucked on this level!"
The decisions governing our day to day life don't usually involve the other (although that is slowly evolving). We count on each other to be sounding boards and devils advocates, but the decisions I make around my child, for example, are decisions made strictly on my own or in conjunction with Anti-Christ. The decisions he makes about certain things in his life, he's forthcoming with details, but they aren't my business. Not right now.
Things are evolving. He wants to fix things. I don't want him to. But I'm slowly letting him in and he's allowing me the freedom and space to just be alone with my issues when I need to be, knowing I am letting him in more.
But the spanking? It's about sex and it's about my ants staying asleep and it's about him enjoying dominance. And taken that way, along with the fact that we see each other one night a week and every other weekend, and adding in the fact that we both are determined to also do things regular people do, movies or dinner or evenings with friends or sitting and talking...and how easy it would be to stay naked all the time when we are in our brief time together, yes it's different.
We read these posts about these men who spank their women when they might not want it, but when they definitely realize later they need it and they are grateful to their partners for knowing this. We don't have that kind of time and the way my brain is wired, I ALWAYS need it! :)
However, I realized the other day that I needed some time alone. I had some time alone, not in my car and for more than 20 minutes, 4 months ago. I found the opportunity yesterday. And I had to explain this to My Friend. I know he was a little bummed about it, because we do have such limited time. And as soon as I had arranged it, I regretted it, wanting to be naked and spanked and having sex for 4 more glorious hours. But he didn't bring it up again, other than insisting I do something fun. And I didn't backtrack, knowing it was something I needed although it was feeling less like something I wanted. And it worked like a dream. I went hiking, I took a shower, and then, after Offspring returned, I slept for 10 hours. And I peppered my day with suggestive texts to My Friend, because I love him and I can't stand total disconnect. I have to know he's there and just a send button away. Maybe he knew I needed that. Maybe I knew I needed it even though I didn't want it. Maybe, if I had backtracked, he would have told me to do it anyway. I'm not sure.
My Friend wants to know how xyz that we read on this blog or that post relates to us. Sometimes it doesn't relate at all. Sometimes it relates in a lot of ways. But we're just us and we're still finding out what that means. We've been us for 6 months and the missteps have been very few and far between. He started from Point Zero, having never truly dominated anyone in the past and he's doing a wonderful job. I have never felt so loved and so relaxed and so satisfied (not just sexually) ever. I know it will keep changing, I know things will grow and evolve and I know that we will discuss it, we will find our way, as long as he keeps holding my hand.

Seduction

2010-10-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

My friend says he's grateful that he doesn't have to seduce me before each sexual encounter. He tells me to take my clothes off, they're off. He tells me to do something specific to him, it's done. No questions, no debates. He may sense a bit of resistence or hesitation on my part, if I do feel less than in the mood, but it's always a fleeting moment on my way to doing exactly as told. It's true, in the traditional sense, he doesn't have to "seduce me".
But he does.
Everytime he tells me I'm "so" beautiful and goes on about how much he loves my body.
Everytime he assures me that things I see as strange or wrong with my physical reactions to things, sexual or otherwise, are perfectly normal.
Everytime he orders me to get a glass of water for myself because my own physical well being is the last thing on my mind.
When he tells me to take a nap on a car trip because he knows I'm tired.
When he asks what my ultimate fantasy is and I say "8 hours of sleep" and then I'm suddenly getting 8 hours of sleep everytime I am with him and don't have to go to work. If I wake up early, he tells me to go back to sleep and I do.
When I see him making these small, very sweet gestures because he feels just a little guilty about beating me a little harder than he meant to the night or day before.
Everytime he reads my mind, about things sexual or otherwise and I realize we are very much in tune with each other.
When he washes my feet for me because washing your own feet in the shower is very dangerous.
The way he exhales when I tell him I love him and he emits this low, gutteral noise of happiness when I touch him
The way he loves to give me an orgasm, but if it isn't quite working out, suggests I do it myself and feels completely secure in doing so.
The way I've been assured unconditional love despite my crazy life, my crazy family and my crazy mind set
The way he plans for a week and a half to boil an egg on Tuesday (including lists and cross referenced blue prints)
The way he calls me at my first job almost every morning
All of these things and more seduce me, each and every day. His existence in my life seduces me. And all of this, before the spanking is even taken into account.

Paradox

2010-09-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

I do not think I'll ever be able to explain why I love pain so much. My Friend doesn't understand it. God love him, he is definitely able to deliver it, but I don't think he gets it. And how can I explain what I don't get either? I can't explain why a wave of lust rolls over me, sitting in my cubicle, typing away, when I think of my bruises or being sore. I have nothing beyond, "It's who I am...it's how I was built..."
Can someone give an actual, logical explanantion for being aroused by lingerie or a certain type of porn or flowers or jewelry? Some people want to have their neck kissed. Is it really different?
By that same token, I have no explanation for why I bursted into tears when My Friend doused me with ice cold water in the shower. The man has spent hour upon hour abusing and violating my body. He has left bruises and welts, he has made me scream and cry, he has refused to stop until I've begged and sometimes not even then. He has called me just about every name you can think of. He has slapped my face. And I have never, ever doubted for a minute, during any of that, his love, his devotion, his passion or his caring. But all I could think of, as I stood in the corner of the shower, was how thoughtless and mean and cruel this action was and how out of character that seemed for him. And for the first time, in 22 weeks, he asked me "Are you mad at me?" and I said Yes. The man has beaten me with one of those rods that you use to close your window blinds. It hurts beyond just about any other kind of pain. (He heard it's the closest simulation to a cane you can fine) but THIS, some cold water, is what finally pissed me off.
And I have absolutely no idea why that is. If I can't explain it to myself, how could I ever explain it to someone else?
Recently, he began delving deep into our local kink community. I have delved in very lightly, mainly tagging along with him a couple times. I dont have the time and honestly, for whatever reason, do not find the entire thing as appealing as he does. But in the end, I'll obviously go where I'm told. But here again, is where the paradox comes into play. These woman, on a stage, bound, beaten, hurt w/ electrical implements, all different methods of discipline and bondage. And they scream, they curse, they cry out and when it's over who is there to comfort and consol them? The people who have been torturing them. It's absolutely the most bizarre and beautiful thing. And it touches me in a way I can't describe either!!
And I only feel the pull of that contradiction in myself in hindsight. Only examining my own situation, away from him, fully clothed and vertical, do I wonder about the fact that nothing is more comforting, after an hour of what can only be defined as abuse of my body, than when he grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me to him, to kiss me on the forehead. And he always seems amazed that I don't hold any grudges. I don't resent him. I'm not angry with him. I never doubt his love for me. And doesn't logic dictate that I should?!?!? But I don't.
Maybe it's a screw loose in my brain. Maybe it's absolutely the exact same thing as a housewife in Topeka who likes her neck kissed. Maybe it's some sort of acting out from a trauma long ago, God knows I've got the abandonment issues. Someone told him that a lot of women are acting out past behavior and hoping for a (different)happy ending.
I can't define it, I can't make sense of it, but in pain, bruised and battered, trusting him completely, I feel like I found my happy ending. Just don't ask me to explain it!

Clarifications & Specifications

2010-09-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

“Do you want a spanking?”
Early morning, I had to be at work. My Friend’s voice has been described by some as the booming voice of God. Very deep, very sonorous. I’ve always been a sucker for Barry White/Isaac Hayes type voices, luckily! So getting the question with that voice is an extra bonus. And when he asks my answer is always the same,
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
So he rolled me over. And if 19 weeks had taught me nothing, I had learned this. The fact that it was morning and there were legitimate time constraints would mean short, not particularly intense, just enough sting for me to feel it, but ultimately relaxing spanking that would send me to work with a smile on my face.
Um…yeah…apparently I’ve learned nothing in 19 weeks.
It was fairly short, it was intense, it was painful. He was actually holding me down, which he doesn’t usually do and when he stopped, I was literally 1 more swat away from crying, which I don’t usually do. I felt the catch in my throat and a sob was about to leave me if he had hit me one more time.
While I was still laying there, not relaxed, no floating, recovering from the pain, he wanted to know if I was mad and holding it back. And I wasn’t. I don’t put a lot of thought into my own emotions, because usually there are none. Maybe if we were living together, maybe if we were able to implement our relationship choices into our every day life, there would be more emotions on my part. It’s really hard to explain to myself let alone him or anyone else.
I wasn’t angry. Maybe a little confused but not enough to bring it up. And I think it sort of caught him off guard as well, the intensity and aggressiveness with which he went after me. He expressed, very briefly, later, a little remorse. He doesn’t usually do that.
So what does it mean? No idea. All that keeps going through my mind is that if I were mad at him, what sense would that make? I gave myself to him, to do with as he like. Do I want someone who I have to sit down with and say, “I want you to spank me, now…at this intensity, with this instrument, for this long, until I tell you to stop?”
Okay, any spanking is better than no spanking, but I had this, to a certain extent, with Mr. Wonderful and no I do not want it back. I signed up for this, and if this is what it entails so be it. Perhaps next time I get the question, “Do you want a spanking?” I might ask for a few specifics on what he has in mind, maybe clarification as to what exactly he means by “spanking” but I don’t see that happening either. He does as he pleases and while I may not exactly be thrilled with that in a moment, overall it pleases me just fine.

Spanking vs. Orgasm

2010-08-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

“Orgasm schmorgasm! Just hit me harder!” these are the words I uttered and keep being reminded of.
My friend, as if I really need to point out, is NOT a switch and has no interest in being submissive. Therefore, in my opinion, as a man (a WONDERFUL man!!) he loves having orgasms. Nothing wrong with that.
He also loves me having orgasms. The people I know would say this is a really nice problem to have (and I’m not calling it a problem).
But there are differences. I am the type of person who has to have a fantasy in her head in order to have an orgasm. If my mind is blank, it won’t happen. And I have a very active fantasy life, so it’s usually not that big a deal, but it is effort. I do have to conjure something up and as My Friend plays my body like a fiddle (BIG GRIN!), if I find what is in my head isn’t working, then I have to draw upon my backlog of other fantasies. (Lately, the recurring theme has been spanking scenarios with 60’s television characters).
My Friend understands that and has never made it seem wrong or odd. In fact, the most wonderful thing about this man is that nothing is wrong. The fact that I can only cum with his fingers, the fact that I can only cum with his fingers in maybe 2 certain areas on my body, the fact that he has a hard time moving his fingers because I clamp his wrist between my thighs with all my might when he’s in the best spot. The fact that my body is so overly sensitive and ticklish and weird. He calls it challenging which makes me love him even more. All this? My body? My orgasms? The fantasies and positioning they require as a result of my screwed up body? It’s complicated.
Spanking is simple. It’s so simple and when I’m being spanked, my mind feels 100% relaxed. Practically blank. I can talk and joke and laugh or yell or cry out or scream, but it’s all just a reaction to him. I don’t have to think about anything. My entire body relaxes, even though it may not seem like it because I’m squirming or moving. I don’t even wonder what’s he going to use next or do next, because I am so detached from my mind. It’s a vacation from everything. I can ride the high for a pretty good chunk of time when he’s done, but it’s not the same, because my mind is revving back up. And that’s okay, because I’ve had my get away.
There is also the fact that a really good spanking gets me so over aroused and it is almost impossible to have an orgasm after that. (I think that’s where the aforementioned “Orgasm Schorgasm!” phrase came into existence).
I love orgasms, don’t get me wrong, but if I don’t get an orgasm, it has never disappointed me. I’m so satisfied from the other things we’re doing; I very rarely have a desire to masturbate anymore.
And honestly, I’m not leaving his house frustrated if I don’t get a spanking (although luckily I rarely leave without 1 or the other), but given the choice, I just always seem to choose the spanking...my vacation from reality and all cognizant thought process. My stress goes away, sometimes only temporarily, but it’s gone. I’m not worried or anxious. It’s like I’m in paradise and all I have to do to get there is bend over.

Ropes

2010-07-26T02:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there's nothing like being in a relationship with a former Boy Scout!

Emerging from the Happy Dungeon Of Love

2010-07-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yes my friends, I'm alive and well, as the picture, hopefully proves. 12 weeks and two days into a dream. I always had a sneaking suspicion that My Friend and I would get along really well, given the opportunity to be together and so far I've been proven right. It's scary how well it's going. Talking, sharing, being together, sex, bondage, fantasies and spanking. A LOT of spanking. What more could a small town girl with masochistic tendencies ask for? The bumps have been minor and few. The joy has been big and awesome. And the spanking...well it's there almost every time I see him and the only thing I worry about is an overload of arousal. Yes, what a problem to have!
Basically, I feel like I'm finally getting what I deserve and I think he is too. We're getting our shot at happiness. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. He could run off with some girl he meets in a week (although I seriously doubt it) but right now, in this moment, I am overwhelmed with happiness.
And it's so much fun. He has these rules that are meant mainly to be silly and give him excuses (like he needs any!) to spank me. For example, he decided that every day, even if I'm not going to see him, I am required to wear a skirt or a dress (he likes my legs) unless I get permission from him first to wear pants. That was all well and good until he decided to change the rules and say I had to ask him for permission to wear pants IN PERSON. This has proven a challenge as we don't live together. But he's having a really good time torturing me with it. I'm having a great time getting stress relief spankings at lunch time. I'm enjoying knocking on his door in distress because my car has broken down in this "stranger's" driveway and can he possibly help me?
Time, as it always is with me, is limited. Still have the two jobs, still have the beautiful girl, still working my 12 step program, so we tend to have to MAKE ourselves do things that don't involve sex or spanking. He wants to date me, which is really nice. I emailed him that I had a fantasy, but was worried it was just a little too far out for us. I know he was intrigued at the idea of ANYTHING that would be 2 far out 4 me. So I told him my fantasy was to eat take out food together, then get into my pajamas and read on his couch while he worked on his computer or read or did something.
"And what else?" was his response.
"That's it!" was the reply.
And it worked. A beautiful vanilla night (okay a period of a night) was had by all.
He's started shopping on line for implements and outfits. It's an interesting process that I sometimes feel just involves my body. He's interested in the items, he's purchasing them, he's using my body to do that and mentally assessing each item. And that's all okay. I'm happily just along for the ride with my amazing, wonderful, Dominant Friend.
I'll try to post more as time allows and hope that everyone I've neglected so shamefully (someone should really talk to me about that!) is well.

Annoyance

2010-05-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

The things I know:
"What is your safe word?" means things are about to get worse. Whatever came before, yeah, it's going to get worse.

"Please stop" will NEVER stop anything immediately and I am required to repeat it about 5 times. (Please stop NOT being my safe word)

And if I truly have a concern or a worry, I feel that I can bring it up and have complete confidence that it will be heard and weighed and considered (if not always done) and that's great. It's part of what we're doing.

My Friend seems amazed, to a certain extent, at being obeyed, without question and without hesitation. I feel that as time goes on, the amazement will be replaced with an expectation that what he asks will be done. I see the shift slowly happening.
He has asked me, on more than one occasion, if he is sensing annoyance or anger in my face after he's slapped me or hit me particularly hard. The answer has always been, honestly, no. I have never harbored any resentment or anger as a result of the abuse he inflicts upon my body. My annoyances (and in 5 weeks this Thursday, I can probably count them on 1 hand) tend to be more towards the vanilla and luckily, right now, we are talking them out (while I'm tied up). No harm, no foul.
The other morning, I started thinking more about this. At some point I was given a choice to either sleep in or sit in a hot tub. When we woke up, I was asked which I had decided. To be fair, I was non-committal but non-committal with my eyes closed, in the fetal position under the covers. Now I don't expect the man to read my mind, but how many more clues do you need? Then I made the insane decision to go to the bathroom and when I returned, there was a certain sexual act that suddenly required my participation.
As I was performing this, I started wondering...was I annoyed? Would you prefer A or B? Too bad, C it is! Not really annoyed. It certainly wasn't like I was doing something unpleasant. It was good. I'm good at it. He's enjoying it. I usually enjoy it and did not DISLIKE it that morning. But sometimes my mind wanders a bit and I started thinking about being maybe just this side of annoyed, but certainly not enough to bring it up. Why would I? What would it have accomplished? Either an order to continue regardless (which would have been kind of hot) or a discussion about why I was feeling the way I was and where it was coming from and spending our limited time together hashing out a very small annoyance (that may not even be that?)....no I am NOT that girl and do not plan on EVER being.
And that train of thought took me into another train of thought. (I'm a REALLY good multi tasker!). Things seem simpler. There aren't quite so many complications. There still are some, sure, but really, it just seems like there is not as much effort or worry over things that simply don't matter. I'm just not worrying about anything. Now I'm not going to say I was all that much of a worrier before, but honestly, it feels like I can just follow for now, just do what is in front of me (HAHA) and enjoy the ride.
Lately, I'm starting to wonder if, for all my declarations that I don't expect My Friend to read my mind, maybe he really can sometimes. When we were done Sunday, my Friend expressed amazement at having sexual acts performed simply because he states that I am to do them, whether I want to or not.
And for some reason, I began to smile. Exactly. Whether I want to or not. I don't particularly WANT to be whipped with ropes, but I submit. God knows I hate that wooden paddle more than I hate anything on the face of the Earth (so far...My Friend is shopping on line apparently), but something in me propels me forward in my submission. This inexplicable simplicity and sense of calm and happiness that trumps whatever minor, insignificant annoyances that may enter my mind.

Bedtimes & Mothers & Spankings OH MY!

2010-05-21T17:04:00.000-07:00

So I have this curfew now. In bed, 10:30pm, Sunday through Thursday and I have to send a text to My Friend as soon as I get there. And I am getting 6 hours of sleep a night, as opposed to 4 which is good. However I find things falling by the wayside because I'm not staying up until midnight doing them!
One thing that has definitely fallen by the wayside is television. I didn't watch all that much before, but in the past 4 weeks I have watched TV exactly twice. 1 episode of Lost (I'm three episodes behind!) and on Wednesday, I decided, it's 9:55pm, I'm going to sit down and watch Glee. Yes, Glee is an hour show, but I have it on DVR, I don't mind fast forwarding to the interesting parts I want to see, completely doable.
Unless you factor in my mother lives with me now. And she was excited I was going to watch the episode. Let me start by saying that she had already watched it! So I watch some, I fast forward through the commercials & I hear,
"Ohhh!! Can we watch that commercial?!?!?" she asks.
"No." I continue to fast forward.
"Oh this is a good part!" 5 minutes later. "WHY R U fast forwarding!?!?!"
"Mom, you've already seen this! Just let me watch it the way I want to!" I hit fast forward harder.
10 minutes later, "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS PART!"
It is now 10:22. "NO I DON'T!!! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Time is my enemy now. I've seen what My Friend can do when he's HAPPY with me. I'm not going to let myself get put in the position of actual punishment and I'll be DAMNED if I let my mother drag me there either! It's bad enough I'm putting in eye drops and taking off my make up laying in bed in the dark because it's 10:32 and I'm desperately pushing pee out of my bladder at 10:29, praying my text won't arrive at 10:31. I don't need ANY ADDITIONAL STRESS!!!!!
"I just don't understand why you are watching so little of it!?!"
It was a little difficult to not grab her shoulders and shake her and yell, "Because if I'm not IN bed BY 10:30, my boyfriend is going to spank me...and not a playful one either...a really hard spanking that will have me in tears and agony and unable to sit down comfortably for God knows HOW long now please, in the name of all that is good and holy, LET ME WATCH THIS!!!!"
I didn't. My proclivities remain happily anonymous to my mother...at least for now.

Crazy World

2010-05-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

It's a crazy world, I'll tell you that. And anyone who has been on all fours, naked, with a riding crop in their mouth next to a small dog getting a treat knows what I'm talking about. I'm starting to worry about My Friend's Dog and what all this new activity might be doing to his poor little canine psyche, but I guess he's okay. What I actually tell him (the dog) is that upon hearing my cries and whimpers, Lassie would have already gone for help! The sweet little boy just licks my leg and is on his merry way. He and My Friend seem to be of like minds. I knew what I was getting myself into...so quit complaining.
Having an important, meaningful conversation about relationships and life while tied to a chair is an interesting change as well. My Friend and I had a really romantic day, but something he said started bothering me and so by the time we got back to his place, it had grown into a full on potential resentment. I guess maybe bringing it up earlier might have been better. When I'm presenting him with the riding crop (between my teeth) and being told that it pleases him and my brain immediately goes to, "Oh sure it pleases you but not enough to..." then there's an issue. And 3 weeks in, I feel completely comfortable bringing it up and discussing it with him. Which is great.
What is not great? Purple knots on the outside of my thighs from that riding crop. They seemed to go down after My Friend fashioned some ice packs and applied them (our first aftercare!). Did not enjoy the riding crop, but it was manageable. That damn wooden paddle is another story. OH MY GOD!
My Friend has decided to save his belt for actual punishment. Okay, fine. His call. Part of me wonders (and part of me needs to get a new secret blog he doesn't read! :)) if he's thinking the belt is a harsher implement because of the bruise it left (which still hasn't healed)and perhaps it is but that paddle is killing me. And I'm not 100% sure how much of my emotion last night came from the conversation we had before he started paddling me and how much was actual reaction to the horrific pain, but I ended up crying. Actually crying. I was over his "love seat" (I'm thinking we need to rename that particular piece of furniture!) and felt it moving and myself almost crawling over it the first time he hit me. Then came several more and I just couldn't stop. I don't ever cry during spankings. It's just not something I do. But this time I did. And he loved it. I think he had been waiting for it. He had mentioned his desire to kiss away tears and he got his chance.
I think what really got him was that I was crying, I was bruised and swollen on my thighs, my legs were shaking and he told me to bend back over the love seat. And I did. It never occurred to me not to. I made a commitment to submit to him. It is very important to me. He didn't paddle me anymore, but did continue to comment on my complete submission. He seemed pleased which pleased me.
My submission to him is less a fantasy to me than I perhaps led on. And yes it's fast, but he's been studying (aka cyber stalking) for a long time and the trust I have for him is overwhelming (a perk of knowing some1 four years before getting involved) so the submission is easy. I don't always like it, but I do it, because it helps me.
I'm getting some rules now. I have to ask permission to orgasm. (I forgot once and he was kind enough to let it slide) and I also have to be in bed by 1030 and text him when I get there. So this will be the first full week of that and hopefully all will go well. When I emailed him about it, knowing I needed some help, he used the words "new sheriff in town". It was so cute. And a little scary. And so comforting.
It sounds like I might be getting a collar. Walking around, lying around with a belt wound 3 or 4 times around my neck was actually a pretty good look and so My Friend mentioned something about it. We'll see!
Went to church today with dried cum in my hair to teach Sunday School. Yes ladies & gents...a very crazy world...

Comparisons

2010-05-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

I started thinking about this the other day while observing this extremely wicked, gruesome bruise on my inner thigh. My Friend used his belt and the results were not pretty. I try really hard not to compare one man to another, but I couldn't help but remember Mr. Wonderful and his belt. The results were fairly similar, horrifically terrible looking bruises but whereas Mr. Wonderful was absolutely beside himself with horror and shame at his actions, unable to conceive that he had caused these welts and marks on my body, My Friend, after checking that I was okay, merely shrugged and commented that more practice was required so that he would have greater control over the belt. More practice? Um...yay???

My 12 Step sponsor says people will tell you who they are. I think what she really means is people will SHOW you who they are. Stay around someone long enough and they'll definitely let you know things, but how often are we able to pick up on them? How willing are we to pick up on them?

I'm still seeing C. He's very funny and I have a great time with him. He's also extremely reluctant to pay compliments. He just doesn't do it. He will tell me I'm very smart and very quick witted and he seems to enjoy that. But I'm a girl. I want to hear I'm pretty! I did get him to say I was pretty once, but I basically made him do it, we were on the phone and he was drunk, so I'm not really counting that.
He's not a big guy on PDAs either. Holding hands, whatever is all pretty much up to me. He kids me about being "all over him" if I want to hold his hand while we're walking. It's funny because he said one of his chief complaints with his ex-wife was her saying "Stop pawing me!" when he would just try and be affectionate. I'm having a hard time picturing that, considering the way he acts around me.
There are other issues...well not really issues, because they don't feel that serious and I think they don't feel that serious because as much as I care about him, as much as I love talking to him, which I do on a daily basis, as much as I want him around...it feels so different from My Friend. It feels like C. and I are these great buddies and right now we're just on this side road of a pseudo-romantic relationship (Romantic being a relative term). There are things that I know would definitely be issues if we were together permanently and exclusively. But I just don't see it that way. But I'm not willing to let go of the romantic part. It is kind of fun. It's also U-Haul Insurance.
My Friend and I keep being reminded, by the droves of mutual friends we have, to take things slow. We keep reminding each other to take things slow. We seem to have defined taking it slow as "No U-Hauls, No Vegas". That's taking it slow. I still struggle with what monogamy means, but I think that may be a way of avoiding the real issue. And the real issue is this: When you love someone, you give them an enormous amount of power. Now I've given My Friend power already. The power to dominate me, the power to control my body, the power to tell me what to do, the power to hurt me, the power to make decisions for me in some senses. But loving someone, saying "I am with you", saying "You are the one for me" involves giving them power to truly hurt you on a much deeper level. The Anti Christ had that power. Mr. Wonderful had that power. In both cases, their power hurt me. When someone really knows you, is truly intimate, they get that power and then it is up to them how they use it. Would My Friend ever use the power to hurt me? It feels like no, but there are no guarantees. In love, in life, there are no guarantees. You need faith, you need courage, and you need amnesia.
I figured out why people keep falling in love. I figured out why people keep getting married. I figured out why people open themselves up to incredible amounts of hurt and pain and make themselves truly vulnerable when 1 in 2 of these things called relationships implode and result in horrific fiery deaths of dreams and expectations and hearts and trust. It's why people try again when someone they love dies. These feelings right here right now. They make you forget a lot of the shit from the past.
People won't understand. Too soon. Slow down. It's too fast. People get enmeshed and people get co-dependent and people get hurt. It happens every day. And a part of me is terrified and a part of me wants to fight and run away from all the potential for pain. But I don't.
I just submit. Every day it gets a little easier. When you hear a voice saying, completely unprompted, "My God you are beautiful.", When someone can barely let you in the door before their hands are all over you, when someone will tell you deep, meaningful things about themselves, thereby giving you your own power to potentially hurt them, then the submission gets a little easier.
I'm still working through and processing all this. I really feel like I have to take into consideration my boundaries, my self care, my past and my future. And at the same time, I have to trust him with the rest of me as much as I trust him with my body.
In the end, giving someone my love is not like hitting someone with a belt. I can practice all I want, but I still don't seem to ever truly gain control.

Masochists and Fantasies

2010-05-05T17:07:00.000-07:00

So when does a Spanko become a masochist? My guess is that to most of the general population, we are all masochists right? Pleasure derived from pain is the definition of masochist. I (painfully) sat wondering this today. I'm not just getting spanked anymore. I'm being tied up. I'm being slapped and slammed against walls. I'm crawling on all fours with a riding crop in my teeth. Have I crossed some thresh hold or just finally found the person who will accompany me on my journey? If people in the past had been willing, would I have already been doing all these things? Probably, although I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I am with My Friend (sucking up for a bit of leniency down the line is never a bad thing).
I think it sounds kind of cool. "I'm a practicing masochist." Practicing Masochist. Good band name.
I also had the coolest fantasy this morning and part of me is dying to tell My Friend and part of me is like, nah. I think I decided it might kind of lose something if I tell him. Then it's not something organic, like in my mind. The fantasy certainly isn't something crazy...in fact it's something completely feasible that would be done in public. It's ridiculously mild but would be really effective at getting me mentally aroused. Now I don't expect the poor man to read my mind, but at the same time, spelling it all out, yeah it feels like it would take something away. Not sure. Still pondering.
I was allowed to send him an older fantasy. Recycled is such an ugly word! And I wouldn't send him any fantasies that I had actually acted out with anyone. That would just seem wrong.
Things are definitely moving along. Not sure if I have permission to call it a relationship yet, but to me, if crawling on all fours with a riding crop in your teeth doesn't scream relationship, I don't know what does!

Trust

2010-05-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so as everyone knows, Mr. Wonderful used to spank me. He was good at it, but it wasn't something I think he was ever 100% comfortable with. He did it for me, which was great, but it never felt like he was that into the whole experience. Ninja definitely seemed to enjoy spanking me, but the guy was so good-natured and easy going he never seemed that interested in any of the other components.

My Friend, I'm prepared to call it, is a definitely Spanko. He says he's never done it before and it sounds like he started with this blog and moved on to other research, but the guy is a natural!
Last night and this morning, for example...me, hands tied behind my back, feet tied, sitting in a chair getting my face slapped (not lightly) and then blindfolded, someone leather (I think) slapping my outer thighs and my tits and then bent over his love seat, still bound, face in the cushions, getting spanked. I was given a safe word which I never used. But it's more than just the bondage and the spanking, it's his attitude. He gets it. He gets the voice tone, he gets the commands, he gets the dynamic of D/s and it is so amazing. This morning, it didn't seem to matter how much he beat on me, I just couldn't get enough. He ever started beating on my vagina and it was not pleasant, but he kept going and I just gritted my teeth and took it. Then after he gave me an orgasm, I just wanted more spanking. I realized that begging him to stop, not meaning a word of it and he knows it, arouses him. The idea that I'm NOT offended if he grabs a handful of my hair and leads me around does not mean disrespect to me and he loves that. I love telling him that there isn't anything he can ask me to do that I won't do and there isn't anything he wants to do to my body that I'll say no to, because above all else, I trust this man so unconditionally.
Now I trusted Mr. Wonderful also, but he was never going to go to the places My Friend seems to want to, so the trust is that much more important and I do trust him with every inch of myself. I trust him to put his hand over my mouth and nose so I can't breath and when I start to struggle, he knows exactly how long to let me before allowing me to breath.
The fact that I feel actual trepidation when driving to his house because I don't know what he's going to do to me, is just the coolest sensation.
Now, at heart, My Friend, I believe, is very much a product of the 60's and 70's, women's liberation movement and he has a lot of female friends, so the issue keeps coming up...respect, objectification, etc. but as time goes on, I think he's realizing that while yes, I want to go out and I want to talk and I want to laugh and I want to spend time with him in decidedly non-sexual situations, that when it comes to this, I am his object. He is what I've been looking for. I think he gets the balance and I think he understands that while I don't want someone to give me a black eye or tell me how to vote, (grabbing me and slamming me up against a wall to kiss me though? Way hot!), I love the orders, I love the occasional disapproval, I love getting my ass smacked in the grocery store. And I love all these things from someone who does respect me, someone who gets the balance and knows how to use it, someone who I would trust with everything I have. That is My Friend.
I was a little worried, in the beginning, that the fact that he had read this blog for so long without my knowing, would strip our whatever it is (he refuses to call it a relationship until we're exclusive and I abide by his wishes)of spontaneity and mystery, it bothered me a little. I asked and he graciously agreed that maybe we could just pretend that he knows these things I like just because he does. Because he is just that insightful and just that in tune with my body, and now, I do believe that is the case. I think he does know and is always asking questions to make sure that I am okay and I am okay. Better than okay. Thank you very much.

Busted!!!

2010-04-30T05:48:00.000-07:00

In a house with nothing but women, we are a little lax on the rules of running around 1/2 dressed, so the following conversation, which occurred this morning, feels...inevitable.

"Mom? What are those purple marks?"
Um...
"Someone ran into me and I backed into something..."
My daughter is scary smart...but she's also 9, so occasionally I still have the blessing of being able to get away with something so clearly a lie.
"Did it hurt?"
"It did at the time, but not now..." Okay, that's true!
"Did you say bad words?"
"A few..." Another truth. My Friend actually gets amused when I cuss.
"Did you say Ow?"
"Yes I did..." Big time!!!
"I'll bet!" and she was gone.

However, as the pictures can attest, we are back in business!

Dating

2010-04-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

Dates: a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person

Well that's romantic!!! So I spent an hour setting up a very cute, fun profile on plentyoffish.com. Then I had, what can only be described as an aneurysm and I posted this stream of consciousness post on craigslist. (The craigslist ad did have the work spanking in it). This is how I met C. Super cute and just so funny. He's the first person I've ever dated who has been shorter than me (although if we are both barefoot, it's not that noticeable) and he is probably the loudest human being I've ever met in my life. His voice is very loud and gravelly and he tends to shout in a very animated way...well all the time. We seem to click and we're having a good time. He has spanked me, a little. Mostly playful swats, nothing serious. It's fun and free of any baggage. He is divorced, has no kids, just fun to spend time with and makes me laugh and calls me baby, which I like.
I have told my 12 Step Sponsor that the minute I got engaged (or something along those lines) that My Friend I want to date would come calling. Now I am MOST DEFINITELY NOT engaged, but once I started dating C., My Friend came. Turns out he found my blog, a long time ago. So not only is he vaguely aware of my preferences (which I knew), he's been reading about them in great detail, along with the occasional picture. He wants a cool blog name. I'm toying with Captain D. (D. for discipline but then Captain D. is like a fast food restaurant, so that won't work). Anyway, My Friend (sorry, that may be as creative as I can get) decided his mourning period was over (in as much as it ever will be) and that he was ready for a relationship and he wanted that...with me...

Shock? Awe? Uh...to say the least. But I said yes. There was no way I was ever going to say no. Not to him. I've maintained all along that it may blow up in my face, but no...there was never any possibility that I was going to turn him down. Also, in the interest of being honest (my new goal in life), I told him about C. And My Friend seemed fine with it. And so we are dating. I later told C. about My Friend. And he was cool with it too. So now, I am dating two men.

My relationships with Mr. Wonderful and Ninja ran concurrently, but there were vast differences between that pair and the current pair. Mr. Wonderful's schedule was limited, due to his marital status and Ninja lived 90 minutes away in the middle of the woods. I am currently dating two single men. So logistics may become a bit of a challenge, but it is very important to me, right now, to keep them both, to have them both near me, because they are both truly amazing. I'm not getting married, I'm not going to have any kids, I just really want to date both of them.
I'm going out to dinner, I'm walking around book stores holding someone's hand, I'm going hiking, I'm watching movies and going to trivia nights. I'm having fun and laughing and having sex and getting spanked. Again, I can't predict the future and God knows I can't control it. I'm enjoying the present.
I don't have the time or energy to get into the details of my relationship with My Friend tonight, but apparently, recent developments have refeuled my interest in my blog, so maybe there will be more about him to come.

Mr. Wonderful & Ninja both read the blog when they were the central characters in it, so maybe having My Friend read more about himself wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Time will tell, I guess...

April 30 - Mark your Calendars!!!

2010-04-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hey there everyone! Just wanted to mention that April 30 is National Spank Out Day and while "technically" it is used by organizations all over the world to promote the elimination of spanking as a means to discipline a child...I'm sure we can all come up with better celebration techniques.

WoW!!! I mean...WOW!!!!!!

2010-04-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

Now What?

2010-04-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

#1: He lives a very long way away. We met on the internet, through Facebook, as all good couples do in the 21st Century. He is married, says its a very happy, fulfilling marriage, but somehow he still wanted email fantasies and phone sex. Nice guy, but this completely screwed up my already messed up perception of monogamy, commitment, etc.

#2: He lives in my state, maybe an hour away. He is married but free to pursue interests outside his marriage, according to him. He is a spanker and found me through my blog. We emailed and chatted and made plans to meet next week to discuss his spanking me. I already told him I would not have sex with him.

#3: An opportunity recently for sex. A very safe situation with very clearly drawn boundaries. An opportunity for physical release more than anything else. The entire experience was physically satisfying and nothing that was done ever crossed a line into unacceptable. But when it was over and I was alone, I got depressed and very upset.

I want to say I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I do. I'm being honest about who I am, and who I am is someone who wants a relationship. This came as quite a shock. Sex and spanking without strings and commitments were going to be the cornerstones of my new single life. And even if I still decided I wanted a relationship, then in the meantime, I would certainly not have any problems having sex with someone I trusted or finding someone to spank me. No worries. Just go with the flow until someone comes along.

This is who I want to be. It's not who I am. I thought I was, but I'm not. I want a relationship. Anything else that comes along is not going to work. Part of the problem is this:
I take up with ABC "just until I meet someone I want to pursue a relationship with" and its all well and good, until I convince myself that what I had with ABC is what I really wanted all along and I end up with a relationship that has absolutely nothing I want. Or, more likely, I'll look at the relationship with ABC and think to myself, "Oh I can turn this into exactly what I want...if I just work a little harder..."
Story of my marriage. Story of my life.

A few weeks ago, my friend I would like to date and I were driving to listen to music. It was my 40th birthday. I was asking him if Tiger Woods' wife and Sandra Bullock were really dealt the ultimate betrayal or were they really just women who got sucked into the lie that is monogamy?
He was discussing how he certainly wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship, but he had certain physical needs and then he went on to discuss some pros and cons of a "friends with benefits" situation (not addressing this TO me, more just speaking in generalizations, but it was all I could do to NOT offer myself as a "friend with benefits". I really care for him, I love him, I'm physically attracted to him and then, we went and listened to music and I had a drink (I NEVER drink so it went straight to my head) and he drove me home and it was even harder to not invite him into my empty house, on my 40th birthday. I didn't and I didn't because I don't want to be his friend with benefits. I want to be in a relationship with him. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but I don't want to start out settling for less than I want.

Also, in this situation more than any other, I really will start out with the best of intentions and very clear boundaries which will instantly get muddy. "I already make him laugh, we already share a lot of common interests, so if I can just fuck him well enough and look for the right things to do, I can turn this into a relationship. I can make this work..."

Now I'm not delusional and I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect and I'm not thinking that the first person I meet with be "the one" and all will be roses and whatever. I'm not that far gone. But I'm done going into a relationship that, from day 1, has no future. If they aren't available, I'm not available.

And having sex with someone "temporarily" is not something I want to do. That's hard because I am a sexual person. I want someone to spank my ass, fuck my brains out, let me fuck their brains out and then tell me they love me and kiss me before we go to sleep.

The websites I've found since I started looking for spanking websites, they have skewed my thinking from what it used to be, because so many of them (at least the ones I've looked at), involve people who are doing things that would freak out much of the general population it seems, but at the core are these loving, committed relationships. These people have found them, they have what I want.

And in the meantime, I'm okay alone. Truly. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to kiss and hold hands with and have sex with and get a spanking from, but I've always been okay alone and I'm still trying to decide what monogamy means, what commitment means, what relationships mean. I'm still trying to figure out some things about myself, so I guess its best to return to my celibacy and figure some things out.

And honestly, I'm just making this up as I go along. There are no hard and fast rules. Am I going to get into a situation that only involves spanking? Right now, no, but if my good friends Todd & Suzy are in town and wanted to visit and spank me, no worries. Would I say no to spanking at a spanking party, probably not. I can't predict the future, I can only do what feels right and all of this is scary and hard and really sucks, but it is all growth for me and really, I think that should always be the ultimate goal.

I don't know where this puts my future and this blog. I just realized that this blog is 1 year old. The first post is dated May 9 but it says I set it up in April, which is probably true. I know I haven't kept up with it since Mr. Wonderful & I parted ways, but I hope all my friends out there keep me in their thoughts as I keep all of you in mine and stay in touch. I may keep posting, just not sure how often. It feels like I've had this blog for years and years and it feels like I just started it yesterday. It has been really helpful in so many ways. I feel more confident in my ability to express what I want. Maybe all this personal growth needed time (and 2-3 dozen good spankings) to really make its mark.

But I can assure all my friends, that by no means, are my spanking days over. They have only just begun.

Rug Beater

2010-02-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

(This picture thing is really starting to annoy me!!!)
My friend, I mentioned a while back whom I've known for 4 years, came over for dinner last night. I made dinner and he fixed my IPOD and we had a very pleasant evening. He then noticed three things I had hanging on my fireplace. One was an old fashioned, brass bed warmer, one looks like a brass sauce pan with a very long handle and the third is this. A metal, heart shaped rug beater. But, he pointed out, "I'm sure it can be used for other things..." and we laughed. But if I had a brain in my head, I would have looked at him, smiled and said, "Is that an offer?"
A few weeks ago, we were texting. He was home alone but too tired to come out and as we were texting, I said something a little flip and he texted back "Watch ur mouth or I'll spank u...U know, some other time when I'm not so tired..." and then I proceeded to tease him about being old. He texts or chats these flirty comments about spanking, which he knows I like, but then when we're together, it's strictly platonic. Last night was the first in person reference he had made. And I feel like I blew it. At the same time, its only been 3 months or so since his long term girlfriend passed away. There are times he is clearly grieving and times he appears to be okay (such as last night). I have said all along that if we are meant to be together or to date or to whatever, it will happen when its meant to. But it gets infuriating when he makes these comments but then never follows through. At the same time, I'm scared he'll make an advance and then regret it and resent me if its too soon. So I wait, and I hope, and now I look at my rug beater (its not red but the picture on my phone made it look so) and smile now.
And on a side note, no Todd I would NOT like to try out the rug beater when you're in town. I had this feeling you might offer... :)

Forgetting to remember

2010-02-23T21:22:00.000-08:00

If you fall in love with someone and marry them and build a life and and go through all of life's experiences, from buying a home to having a child to unemployment to burying parents, and you realize they don't love you, it's amazing the things you can forget while on that journey.
That you are a person of substance
That you are a good, kind person
That you are smart
That you are sexual
That you have so much to contribute to the world

And if you move on and fall in love again with someone who truly loves you and worships you and makes you feel special every day and then they choose someone else over you and leave, its amazing the things you forget again, 15 weeks later. 15 weeks with no one in your life.

You forget what another person's body feels like
You forget what its like to kiss someone
You forget how to eat lunch with someone
You forget what its like to receive compliments
You forget what its like to have someone hold you
You forget the words. The beautiful words.
You forget your sexual drive

And even if you're happy being on your own, happy to try and figure out how to be alone, relieved to not be waiting for the next fight or waiting for the other shoe to drop and end your relationship, proud to be independent and truly functioning as an adult, working effectively, paying bills on time, raising a child to the best of your ability, it's also easy to forget that it can get lonely. And maybe you don't want to get married again. Maybe the independence and the being alone is the best thing, but it can still get lonely, occasionally. I never thought it would. I enjoy being alone too much to get lonely. But here I am, happily alone and occasionally lonely. That's okay, it'll be what it'll be. I'm just trying not to get caught up in any self pity, because sometimes when you're thinking about all the things that came before, new stuff pops up in the present.

Someone emails you and you find yourself trying to playfully pursue them and you remember that you have a good personality and are an expert flirter!

Someone finds you on Facebook and you email back and forth and are paid several compliments, which reminds you that you are beautiful and vibrant and witty.

Someone tells you they will pay you a visit and you remember what its like to have that physical desire and to want to be with someone and remember that you really enjoy sex and are really pretty good at it.

I don't want to come off as conceited, but what's wrong with remembering my good points? I've learned to do for myself and if that includes saying nice things to myself, so be it. I need to remember that I am a good person and I deserve happiness, in whatever form that takes. Happiness may be me, living alone, forever. Doesn't sound bad, so long as visitors are around for fellowship (naked and otherwise). Whatever it is, I'm not feeling bad. I'm feeling hopeful and hope to remember that feeling in the future.

Mickey Spanking Snow White

2010-02-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

http://images50.fotki.com/v399/photos/1/130607/489873/mickeyandsnow-vi.jpg

I can't post the picture because Mickey keeps getting cut off, but view the link and enjoy!

Sarah Silverman's Spanking

2010-02-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/04/sarah-silvermans-mom-saw_n_449321.html

A very cool clip from David Letterman.

Monogamy Schmonogamy

2010-01-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

(It seems I've lost the ability to regulate the pictures I put up. My other blog shows me the picture as I type the body of the entry. This blog (all on blogger) shows me 5 lines that make up the link I guess and then I can't make the pic bigger or smaller...oh well...)

Lately, in my vast amount of celibate time, I have been thinking about the idea of monogamy. I've been thinking about how in 12 years of marriage, I became involved with other people a few times. AntiChrist never found out and we never discussed the idea of monogamy, because for him, I'm sure it was a given, that we were. But even as I spent 1/3 of my life on the ultimately futile task of getting him to love me, I thought on more than one occasion, that if he had approached me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not have had an issue with it. Not in the least. Now that I am on my own and occasionally pondering my future, my mind falls more and more on the idea of polyamory. (Why does blogger/my computer tell me I'm spelling this wrong when I am not, according to dictionary.com?)
Can you be in a loving, committed relationship and NOT practice monogamy? Obviously, like everything in life, from playing bridge to spanking, it depends on the people. It depends on open, honest communication about your needs and desires. Beyond that, I just don't know.
My thoughts turn to my own experiences in relationships with people who were not as available as I would have liked and also Tiger Woods. The press is having a field day crucifying the man. His wife is the stunningly beautiful victim of his insatiable and horrific and selfish desires.
But has anyone thought, well maybe it's her unrealistic adherence to the old interpretation of the wedding vows? Maybe people shouldn't be denied pursuing relationships they find stimulating outside of the relationship they are committed to.
I'm not even sure what is involved anymore, having had 12 years pass since I took any.
"Do you promise to love, honor and cherish..." check, check & check.
I'm not sure people say "Cleave thee only unto her...for as long as you both shall live"
But the interesting thing is this...there are TWO definitions of Cleave, both verbs.
a) To adhere closely to, stick, cling. To remain faithful
b) To split or divide, to penetrate or pass through.

I don't know many ministers who would let you introduce the idea of an open relationship in wedding vows, but we are still a fairly young century and I'm holding out hope!

I feel like I'm in a unique position because my marriage is over and I am completely single, so I am not coming at this with the perspective of someone in the middle of a bad relationship. But it is something that fascinates me.

I love you, I am committed to you (committed...let me pull out the dictionary again)...I want to be in a relationship with you...but if I meet someone who interests me or I'm attracted to, then I want to feel that I am free to pursue that.

It could be argued, I suppose, that this in increasing the possibility of a partner finding someone else, falling in love with them and leaving you. I would argue how many times does that happen when people are pursuing the "traditional monogamous" relationships. How many people, every year, find themselves blindsided and devastated because their hopes and dreams turned out to be built on quicksand? I don't mean to belittle or diminish the pain and suffering these people go through, but what if you entered into serious relationships with it with a little more acceptance of the idea that your partner is going to be attracted to other people, your partner may want to pursue that and you may as well and that's okay?

What if you trust your partner to be honest with you. "I've met this person, I want to see where it goes, but I love you and I want to be with you and I'm being careful..."
I stress the importance of being honest, but of course, playing both sides of the coin, does such an arrangement undermine the commitment you have to your partner? Does it take something away? I'm not saying that a person or their partner should be out screwing everything that moves, but what if having that freedom kept a person from becoming bored and stagnated in their relationship? What if that freedom kept them more interested at home? Just a theory...and like others (lone gunman for example)...it may not pan out.

I'm sure it's easier said than done for most. But would life be easier if it weren't? I'm not big on labels, monogamy, polyamory (although I LOVE the way that word sounds), married, heterosexual, homo, bi-, but these are just the thoughts floating around.

I met someone 4 years ago and he is one of my best friends. We share a lot and he is aware of some of my tastes and preferences, in a sort of vague, general way. Around the same time Mr. Wonderful and I ended, my friend was dealt a devastating loss when his own partner of 14 years or so, was taken from him. I've known for sometime that I had feelings for him, beyond friendship, however I never acted on it because I knew and cared about his partner and they were in a "traditional, monogamous" relationship. So now, although it is way too soon for either of us to really pursue anything romantically (and I'm not sure he's interested although I have a hard time believing he's unaware), I do find myself wondering about the future, not just with him but with anyone I may meet.
"Okay, not only am I going to need you to dominate me, spank me and tie me up, I'm also going to need to be able to see other people, even if we're serious and committed to each other..."
Oh yes...this is going to be interesting!

I Miss Sex

2009-12-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

6 weeks and 3 days since anyone has touched me. Now this is by NO MEANS any kind of a record. I've gone years without being touched. But after 9 months and 2 days of constant sex, constant mind blowingly wonderful sex, it's hard to suddenly have it ripped away.
Now I had some options after Mr. Wonderful and I ended so abruptly, aka I didn't realize our last time WAS our last time. I had some casual encounters on the horizon. Some opportunities for hook ups. I canceled them all without even seeing where they led. It's time to focus on my life and my sense of balance. And I always figured I could do that and still have sex, especially if it was casual sex in a non-committed relationship. Finding a human vibrator, basically.
But what I would have been doing was putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Ending a 12 year marriage, no matter how bad it was, takes something out of you. Having a 9 month relationship ended for you, 9 months of perfection and bliss, is going to blind side a person. So I committed to being by myself for awhile. And it was good. It still is. Hours and hours go by when I don't think about pain or loneliness. Plus, the fact that I really do enjoy being alone sometimes helps. I guess I'm getting a little messed up because Mr. Wonderful started contacting me last week after almost 4 weeks of zero contact. And I figured he would. I knew ahead of time the time frame he was looking at and the circumstances and I just knew. And I turned him down. Because basically, I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and seeing him is going to be taking a big step backwards. The Universe gave me a clean break when we broke up, it gave me a painful, awful, amazing gift. And I won't give that gift back. I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have in my entire life.
I'm also so horny I want to jump the first thing I can find. I miss sex. I miss being fucked so well. I miss being spanked. Last night, when I was speaking to Mr. Wonderful, between his sobbing and my asking him to not contact me, we managed to have a light moment where I made him laugh. But that led to his making a comment about my "attitude" and telling me how he would get me in line. Not getting in my car and driving 20 minutes and fucking his brains out was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was the right decision and, as is so often the case in life, the right decision completely blows!!!!!
But it's okay and I'm moving along. There's another person, a friend for a long time, that I feel attracted to. If the Universe wants us together, we may well be someday. We flirt quite a bit and he knows my preferences. The other night we were playing Scrabble on Facebook and he was winning by a healthy margin and something was said and he chatted to me, "Well, I know how much you like getting beat..." which of course does nothing to help my sexual frustration! But he's got things of his own he is going through, so I'm not rushing and I'm not pushing. In the scheme of things, 6 weeks feels like a drop in the bucket. But I also feel very disconnected from the spanking community I dove into so eagerly 9 months ago. I'm posting on another blog, mainly about my life journey. It doesn't really have anything to do with sex or spanking or anything like that. I still enjoy checking on all my friends' blogs from time to time and that helps when it comes to the fantasy aspect of my life but sometimes it feels like having no sex for 6 weeks is making my sex drive diminish. I guess that's normal. And I certainly don't think it's permanent. I had 9 months to regain my sexual mojo and I did, in spades. Now it's time to let my emotions, and all that that entails, catch up.

A Question for my friends out there

2009-11-29T05:27:00.000-08:00

A question for my friends out there...

Has anyone ever heard of or been involved in a relationship where the Dominant member of the relationship forces the sub to discipline the Dom?

It's a fantasy I had in my mind and was wondering if anyone knew of this kind of situation in real life?

In my mind, the Dom is a woman and her sub must submit to her wishes, obviously, but one of her demands is that the sub tie her (The Dom) up, spank her, etc. and the sub is in big trouble and subject to his/her own discipline if the Dom is not satisfied with the punishment she's requiring her sub to administer...to the Dom.

Anyone confused yet?

Just wondering! Thanks! I'll be back soon. Crazy couple months...life goes on.

Bitchfest 09

2009-11-20T04:30:00.000-08:00

Six weeks ago, I gave birth and somehow, this Monday, she'll be turning 9 years old. What the hell??? How did this happen??? But right now, on top of everything else that has happened with me, Offspring has taken an assessment of her own life, recently divorced parents, dead dog, split up holidays, has come to the conclusion "Well this blows and hey! It's all my mom's fault!" and has developed into the singularly most obnoxious child on the face of the planet. We are now deeply mired in Bitchfest 09 and the only bright spot on the horizon is that in 6 weeks, we can leave it all behind...for Bitchfest 10!!!
One of the first questions out her mouth when I told her about the divorce was "Who said they wanted a divorce? Who's idea was it?"
Now I'm no professional counselor but I knew I couldn't say what I wanted to. "I did sweetie and honestly, I wouldn't have had to if your father had bothered to treat me like a human being 1 time in the past...oh let's say 12 years!!!" No, I did tell her the truth and said "I did, sweetie." So she blames me, just as AntiChrist blames me, for breaking up what she perceived as a happy home. My therapist and her therapist (we get a group rate) says that until she's an adult and can get some perspective, a part of her will always blame me and may for the rest of her life. Friends say it doesn't matter if she's 8 or 18 or 48 when it happens, that she will take the news of a divorce badly.
Then of course, we had the dog killed. "No sweetie, the dog was sick and died..." "Well, Mom, the dog didn't lay down and die did he? No, you took him somewhere and they put him to sleep...that's killing..."
Oh dear God just please let her end up a lawyer! She spent an hour in the grocery store with my brother last night, trying to con him into buying a turkey because "A turkey at Thanksgiving will get my parents back together..."
Except I'm a vegetarian. (Tofurkee anyone?)
The biggest issue is this. She's not just acting out and lashing out and being generally awful, all of which I am handling the best I can, confident in the fact that it's a phase and things will get better. It's that she looked EXACTLY like AntiChrist. From the second she was born, we had to have genetic testing to determine maternity. And that's fine. She's beautiful. But she acts like him and she talks like him, so she's not just doing things to test the boundaries and see what she can get away with. She's doing EXACTLY the things he used to do. And I'm fighting my knee jerk reactions the best I can.
"I CAN NOT READ YOUR MIND!" is an oldie but a goodie and while I do say that to her, I am not hysterically sobbing and screaming it across a house as I had to with him, so I think that's progress.
Any deviation from how they perceive life, any bump in the road, no matter how minor, results in a melt down. A crazy, completely irrational meltdown that I don't think either of them can control
Last night, she's going on about school, and I was listening, while also focusing on a wet road I was driving on. I would occasionally punctuate what she was saying with "Uh huh" but I was listening. Finally, in a very AntiChrist tone of voice, I hear "Well, you're annoyed so I'll just shut up!"
And I couldn't help it. It just came out. "Don't tell me what I am!" Those knee jerks can be hard to control! After that I explained that sometimes people get upset when other people (in this case her!) tell other people how they feel. So I wasn't annoyed, but I was annoyed that she called me annoyed! At this point, even I didn't know what I was talking about!
In the therapist's waiting room, she is playing with a toy while this other mom waits for her own kid. Offspring announces a show she LOVES and I point out that she's not really allowed to watch that and she says, in a sweet, lilting, sing songy voice, "Dad lets me watch it oh and by the way, he's sad you divorced him!' and then leaning into the stranger Mom, she adds "That's why I'm here!"
The drama, the constant arguing of every point from her eye color to how to spell Pickle. I stuck a JAR OF PICKLES in her face and she STILL didn't believe me!!!! I have GOT to find a way to relax. I seriously feel like I am headed for a nervous breakdown at this point. Or a weekend bender where I fall off my 12 step program and eat every doughnut in the tri-state area. Hmmm...decisions, decisions...
I am going to spend the rest of the weekend endeavoring to embrace my beautiful girl. She has been asking for a bra since she was 3. Ever heard 8 going on 30? Mine's 8 going on a 22 year old cocktail waitress from Reno!!! She is SO smart and seems very mature at times and that can make it easy to forget that she's my baby. And she's hurting. And she needs me. It makes it easy to forget how easy it would be to ignore and blow off her problems and her life the way my parents blew off mine. This is the most important job I'll ever have, raising this beautiful, miraculous, highly challenging and spirited child and I may screw it up royally, but no one, including her, will ever say I didn't give it everything I have.

Withdrawal

2009-11-19T21:50:00.000-08:00

For the past nine months I’ve been on drugs. Every day I was shooting up kindness, happiness, love, sex, respect and generosity. Every day, day in day out I would get my fix. All I had to do was make a phone call or send an email and I was immediately wrapped up in this amazing circle of unconditional rapture. And even if I didn’t request more drugs, they were still supplied to me on a pretty constant basis as no one ever had in my entire life.

And then it stopped. No warning, no weaning. No slowly reducing my intake. Cold turkey. And the withdrawal is ugly. I’m crying, I’m shaking; I prepared to stalk my dealer for a fix. I’m prepared to beg and plead and do whatever I have to do. I want it all back.

Nine months is more than some people get in a lifetime. Fuck that. I have passed all sense of reason and logic. I want my fix. I was already an addict, in an actual 12 Step program before I met him, so I know the signs. And I know how hard it is to kick something. The thing is, you kick liquor because your liver is failing and your family is scared of you and you get a DWI and you’re going to die if you don’t quit. You go into drug rehab because you’ve lost ½ your body weight and all your money and you are about to turn to prostitution and you are going to die if you don’t. You go into 12 step for food addiction because you weigh 240 pounds and your arteries are clogged and you have diabetes and you’re gong to die if you don’t do something.

This drug’s side effects were my laughter returning, the sounds of my joyous orgasms filling rooms, my heart about to burst from being overcome with delight. Why in the hell would I ever want to kick this drug? But I wasn't given a choice. My drugs were ripped from me.

I told myself that I was going to kick the habit on my own, on my time frame. Bull shit. I’m an addict in every sense of the word and that means that I lie…a lot! I lie more to myself than anyone else. I’ve been a liar since I was a kid and can still convince just about anyone of anything. I said I was going to kick it to call my dealer’s bluff. He was so generous with the drug, but it was not 24-7 and even when I had it every day, I still wanted more. I still wanted it every minute of every day and I wasn’t getting that, so I figured, even though my dealer never said he would, even though he was pretty emphatic that this was not a possibility, I just knew that if I told him I was giving up the drug, that he would get scared he was going to lose me as a client and he would make the 24-7 thing happen.

Before I could test my completely sound (to a junkie) theory, everything fell apart. I hit rock bottom like a ton of bricks. I can’t sleep. I’ve stopped eating. I am filled with thoughts of what I can do to get my drugs back, even though my dealer has made it crystal clear that this won’t be happening. I want to do things that I would never do in a million years to get another fix. And I lie, like any other addict, and say one more fix will be enough…just one more time. Let me at least be aware that it is the last time. Then I can quit.

I am powerless over this man. I am powerless over my feelings for him. It’s the first step when you’re trying to kick an addiction is admitting you are powerless and I am. So powerless, so miserable, so desperate. I’m right back where I was four years ago with my other addiction. Rock bottom.

I have a really hard time believing I am this person. I knew I was an addict. But this person is unrecognizable to me. I guess because I spent so many years wishing that AntiChrist would give me even 1/100 of what Mr. Wonderful gave me. And I still have pain from the end of that almost 14-year relationship; so many regrets and so much pain. And now this, which causes me to ask, when does love come along that doesn’t fuck you up?

They assure me it’s out there. People try and convince me. And you know what, if it’s not, I’ve never had a problems being alone, which is why I feel okay starting new relationships because if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be alone and that is just fine. No worries. When I’m alone, I can do as I wish and that’s something I have been enjoying since AC moved out. Alone time.

But these drugs I got were so strong and so powerful and they gave me visions, which turned out to be delusional hallucinations, of a life filled with the actual bliss of sharing an existence with someone who is everything. And whom can I blame but myself? I made him everything. I did this! And now I just want it all back.

Steps Forward

2009-11-18T20:07:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned more than once, my marriage was over long before I got divorced and I did not feel in anyway guilty about seeking relationships with other people. And I guess I fooled myself that maybe since it had been so long since AntiChrist & I had been a couple, that the divorce would have little impact. It did have an impact. Luckily, Mr. Wonderful was there to cushion the blows and help me with the transition. But now he's gone.
There were two perspective people in the horizon. A man I met on Craigslist (my brother calls him Nightstalker due to his fantasy about breaking into my house...which he won't be doing!) and a woman named J who I've been friends with a long time and has expressed an interest in maybe starting something up. Both of these relationships, which have not really begun yet, would be casual, mostly just physical. And I have always maintained that I can find out who I am and decide what I want while still having sex. But I'm not so sure anymore. And I think getting involved in anything, even a casual, no-promises-no-expectation situation is just going to make things more complicated. Plus after Mr. Wonderful, it kind of feels like putting a band aid on a bullet wound.

8 months ago or so I gave up meat for Lent. Just wanted to see what would happen. What happened was I never missed it. I spent less money on food. I felt healthier. Plus, I get to call all my friends and family "Murderous carnivores" and ask "What kind of charred animal carcass will you be consuming today?"

So I'm giving up sex for Advent. I'm going to get my head clear. I'm going to mourn, not just Mr. Wonderful but AntiChrist also. I'm currently making incredible headway at work. My 12 Step Program is going well. But I've been so disconnected from any Spiritual Power in my life, mainly because I've felt guilty for being involved with Mr. Wonderful. Now I'm not, so I need to decide how I want my spiritual life to progress.

I took a big step by canceling all future plans with J & Nightstalker. I immediately felt better. I immediately felt that I was doing the right thing. Like I wasn't going to lose my marriage, lose Mr. Wonderful and just replace that with something else that is going to come with a whole new set of issues and complications (no matter how casual and non-committal the intention).

Yes, if someone can take the journey and discover who they are with a lover/partner by their side, more power to them. I think I need to do this alone. Not that I don't have wonderful friends and family to support me, but they don't see me naked so that doesn't count.

Endings

2009-11-16T18:57:00.001-08:00

My marriage ended slowly. It was basically an 11 year death march towards its inevitable conclusion; the wearing away of my self esteem and love was so slow and meticulous, I really became numb to it over time. There was no shocking ending.
By the time I filed for divorce, I had already told him 2 years earlier I didn’t want to be a couple anymore. And the year before that had basically been living as roommates and the years before that…not that hot.

Ninja is gone. Mr. Wonderful is gone. And what I have to start accepting is this idea of a relationship being over quickly. Out of left field, life hits you between the eyes and you get the wind knocked out of you. You suddenly don’t know what to say or think or do because everything you thought you knew shifts and you fall down and it gets harder and harder to get back up. After a few years, nothing Anti Christ did or said was particularly shocking...painful but no huge surprises.

I still miss Ninja. It’s been a month or more and I still think of him and wish things had been different. Mr. Wonderful is gone as of last Thursday and I am mourning and probably will be for awhile because things just ended much differently than I thought they would. And even though I felt like the physical relationship needed to stop, I didn’t think I’d lose my best friend. And that’s what it feels like.

At the same time, is there a silver lining? 9 months of “I know the limitations” didn’t seem to prepare me for any of this, but is it important to learn something from a situation right? So this one is: I don’t need to be in a relationship with someone overpowering or someone who always takes control. I just need to be in it with someone who is strong enough to stand up for his or her own happiness. And it kills me that he wasn’t that person. It kills me because I know that together, we could have been amazingly wonderful and it may or may not be true, but it feels like he didn’t have faith in that. He had his own reasons for his choices and I will never judge him for that. I’m going to love him forever, like I’m going to love Ninja and even Anti-Christ on some level.

I asked him once if he believed in soul mates, that one perfect person made for you. He said he did…and promptly started to cry. But I think if I were truly his soul mate, he would have chosen to be with me.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe that people like Mr. Wonderful are hard to find, but I also truly believe that there will be someone else out there for me who will eventually come along. And I also believe in myself. I have always been fine alone. Not lonely. Not self-pitying. Just content. Whoever comes along comes along and I will deal with it.

These empowering words don’t prevent me from hysterically sobbing down Highway 70W during rush hour for 45 minutes, but eventually, when I’m ready to start healing, they will be a comfort. I’m confident in that, if absolutely nothing else.

Off to the North!

2009-11-07T03:58:00.000-08:00

My last vacation was probably 11 1/2 years ago. A trip to Portland, OR on my honeymoon. So what better way to celebrate a divorce than with another vacation? 5 days in Toronto. Offspring in the (mostly) capable hands of Anti-Christ. Full circle seems to be the theme. 1 month exactly before I got married, we got a tiny puppy. 1 month exactly after the divorce (2 days ago), I had to put him down. It was sad but necessary and is going to make me appreciate the time away, to relax, even more. The thing I've noticed since the divorce, since things have ever so slightly settled, is the silence. I've never enjoyed it. Cleaning the house? Hanging out? Music or a TV always in the background. Now I'm going long stretches with no sound. And it's amazingly comforting somehow. Listening to nothing but my thoughts. So hopefully I'll have time to update this blog once or twice on my vacation, since that is something I've gotten away from and truly enjoy. I'm going to explore a new city, I'm going to see some new sites and I'm going to see what the silence brings me.

The State Fish of Missouri

2009-11-03T20:45:00.000-08:00

That would be the paddle fish! God I love this state!!!!!!!

Swift Action

2009-10-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.knx1070.com/Maria-Shriver-Caught-Talking-on-Cell-Phone-While-D/5441013

Copy and paste this link and tell me the FIRST thing you think of when reading it!!! Swift action! I took a quick break at work, saw this story and upon seeing the Governor promise "swift action" was instantly rendered useless and really turned on. And I don't even like Arnold!
I think this incident is a true gift to those of us within our community constantly on the look out for things we can perceive as spanking references in the vanilla world. Or is it just a perception? Maybe even as you read, Maria is over Arnold's knee, having some swift action delivered. How awesome would that be?!!?!?!
At my first job, I sit behind a desk, welcome people, scan their cards for 2 hours and 45 minutes and often, the people coming in are couples. And there are just times my mind wanders to whether or not they might be spankos. Some it's easy to imagine. Others not so much. Maybe it's just an occupational hazard of sitting and having too much time to think. But it happens all the time, especially once I've met someone's partner. I'm constantly trying to see if I can place them in a spanking scenario in my mind or not. There's no rhyme or reason to who fits the profile and who doesn't in the sick, twisted playground of my brain. It's just something about the couple that either clicks or doesn't for me. In my imagination, you either got it or you don't. And believe me, Arnold and Maria...they've got it!

Divorce Present

2009-10-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. Something small, tasteful where no one could see it (unless I want them to). I was leaning towards the Chinese symbol for freedom. Something to symbolize my divorce being final. But I wanted something immediate and I had planned on getting a tattoo on Halloween with Ninja. So I opted for something small and leather. It was Slut or Bitch. I opted for Slut. Mr. Wonderful got a few smacks in with it, but this past weekend, Ninja gave it a real workout. Plus, he also started talking about hepatitis and the fact that I would never be able to give blood again (okay I hadn't done all the research!)so this may be it as far as divorce symbols go, but the thing is, it's mine. That's one thing. I bought it and I get to decide who uses it.

This weekend I treked back to the woods for another wonderful getaway at Club Ninja and we alternated between Stinger and Leather Slut. Got a little color from Slut. Got a lot of sleep in the woods. Had a wonderful walk. Met some really nice people around a bonfire. While I think it's going to turn out that Ninja and I are better suited as friends, he went out with a bang rather than a wimper. Thanks Ninja!!!

4177 Days

2009-10-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

That's how long I was married. 4177 Days. That was the total length of the marriage. I know it was the total length because the judge signed off today. I am no longer married. I've said I haven't felt married in 3 years or more, that it was just a legal thing and nothing more, but now that I'm legally divorced, it's still odd. Very, very odd.
Anti-Christ came over for dinner Monday (it was his birthday) and he and Offspring and I had a really pleasant evening. He can act normal when he chooses to (which pisses me off no end!), he usually just didn't choose to when we were married. But now we aren't.
I can go marry someone else tomorrow (I'm NOT going to!). It's weird to see someone in passing, just a "Hey, see you" "Okay bye" kind of exchange that lasts 30 seconds and know that you were with this person, every day for 1/3 of your life. To look at someone and think "I used to have sex with you, you and I made a human being together" and to not be with that person. I don't want to be with that person, but it's still weird.
He came to pick up Offspring the other day and he was wearing a shirt I had never seen before. I had this man's entire wardrobe committed to memory for 11 years and suddenly there are things he'll be wearing I won't be familiar with. Weird.
I know there will be all sorts of emotions floating around and I need to just accept them and deal with it. The whole thing sort of reminds me of being pregnant. Before I got pregnant, all I heard was how wonderful it was and how it was the most natural thing on the planet. Now I was really happy to be pregnant, but it was weird. Nine months of weird. It wasn't "I'm growing life...how beautiful..." it was looking down at my stomach thinking "There's a human being in there..." that was odd. It was looking at an empty room and thinking "There are no people there and soon there will be and why? Oh because my body's going to expel them!!!!" Strange! Things strike me as unusual or odd or weird more than they strike me as joyous or tragic, I guess. Things that other people think are natural, I just sometimes have trouble getting my mind around. Of course, the things I do think are normal, I KNOW there are lots who will think those are weird, so I'm certainly not judging.
It's over. It's really, truly over. I know I'm connected to him forever, I know we will always be in each other's lives through Offspring, but being married to him is finished forever and it was definitely the hardest thing I ever did, ending this. And it was definitely the best thing I ever did for myself. And yes...it's weird.

Planner Code

2009-09-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

I NEED my planner. Without my planner, I would be even more FUBAR than I am right now! The two jobs, Offspring and all her events, all my stuff and NOW, add visitation with Anti-Christ in there and I am desperately clinging to it even more than before. In fact, I got a fridge calendar to supplement the daily planner in my purse and am considering buying my 2010 planner in the next 6 weeks, so I can start writing down next years events.
I have everything from doctor's appointments to meal ideas in there and lately, I've taken to writing out...social engagements. Now obviously, my planner is something that is very personal and private, but it is on my desk at work or in my purse in the car or by my bedside so the idea that it could fall into the wrong hands is always a possibility. Do I care if someone knows I have a dentist appointment on Thursday or Offspring has Volleyball Practice on Monday? Of course not. And time and space always being an issue, I've started abbreviating. VB for Volleyball, for example. Quick, simple and to me, easily discernible.
But lately, I've been running across these appointments in my calendar and realizing that in my desire to keep my social events private, I end up spending more time trying to figure out what in the hell did I mean when I wrote that?!
K-GS
K-GS? Obviously something with Girl Scouts right? Or that Garage Sale I was planning on having...But K? K usually only stands for 1 thing these days...
(K-GS was last Wednesday. It meant meeting Ninja in a particular location more or less midway between us...fine time had by all BTW!!!)
This Friday-Sunday, B-Alone. That one gave me A LOT of trouble. B-Alone. Had I planned on wanting to B-Alone? Was I telling myself three weeks ago that this weekend I would want to B-Alone? That would be silly, because Anti-Christ doesn't even have Offspring this weekend. (Mr. Wonderful has free time this weekend and wanted to know if I could score some as well)
KR is the following weekend and, as my own codes become clearer to me, I now know that means I'm going back to the wild with Ninja. Although R is really the closest bigger town near his teeny, tiny town, so I'm not sure why I put R.
Maybe it's time to start actually putting Ninja and Wonderful in my planner. Worst case scenario, whoever gets there hands on my planner, may think I actually hang out with a Ninja and gain a new found respect for me. Or they may think it's life affirming that I have taken time to dub the time of 7:30 on October 3 "Wonderful".
I could abbreviate those I guess, but I'm afraid I would stare at 10/31 Nin and wonder if I had signed up for a symposium of Anais Nin or rack my brain at 11/6 3:30pm Won and think "I won? What did I win?"

Forgotten...

2009-09-26T17:19:00.000-07:00

It was bound to happen. My brother moved in with me and he moved a bunch of his stuff into my basement and that meant cleaning out my mud room which had been filled with boxes, many of which had not been opened in years and years. So I come home and my brother hands me a box. Now he is fairly knowledgeable when it comes to my...shall we say proclivities. He doesn't ask for details (Yuck!) but he has a general idea. So the box wasn't a big shock to him. It was to me though, because it is another clue into this life I had before. This box contained a pretty good size collection of literature, paraphernalia, what have you. I found three VHS tapes of spanking porn (is it porn if no one has sex?) One I don't even remember buying. One I remember was not very good and the third was, if I recall correctly, very good.
I found some full length novels (my original 9 1/2 weeks, Volumes II & III of the Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty Series along with a full length book of literary interpretations of the Sleeping Beauty Books) I found an old school, white, plastic vibrator and I do not know where it came from. I found some magazines and shorter works of spanking fiction I do remember purchasing, on my honeymoon in Portland, OR. I found some catalogs and a magazine or two I got from Shadow Lane back in the early 1990's when I was on their mailing list. I found a bottle of something called Chocolate Hot Stuff but I don't know the shelf life on it. I found some blue, fur lined handcuffs that also smell questionable. The box also contained a pretty nice pair of leather wrist restraints, a leather blindfold and what I guess would be described as a leather paddle. It's a long wooden stick and at the end is a thin piece of leather shaped like a hand.
It's this box full of things that all seem like they belong to this other person. I know for a period of time, back in probably the late 90's or very early 00's, I would occasionally peruse these items, but things get busy. You have a kid and then one day you realize that all your extra energy that isn't given to her is going towards trying to make a bad marriage work and then you wake up and it's 12 years later and it didn't work, but hey, I guess that's life. At least I've still got the box, right? And many of these items are certainly things the new me can appreciate. (Okay, I think I'm getting rid of the Chocolate Hot Stuff...)
I also find it funny that I bought a lot of these things on my honeymoon. I don't recall why we were shopping separately, but there was this little shop and it sold all this erotic literature and I just plopped down on the floor (no one else was in there) and went through what they had and bought some. In 1998, I was just becoming aware of computers and had never heard of the internet, but I remember how exciting it was to find this place with these kind of publications.
So as I am probably less than 72 hours away from the official end of the marriage, I'm being taken back to the memories of the beginning. And that's okay.
Even though I was already familiar with 95% of what was in there, it's still a little like Santa came early this year!

Downward Spiraling Slut

2009-09-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

It's the newest yoga position!
September has been insane. Anti-Christ moved out 9/1 and since then, I feel like I've been in this downward spiral. Not depressed he's gone, DEFINITELY NOT wanting him back, just not wanting to deal with my life in any capacity that had to do with any responsibility. Now it didn't effect my caring of Offspring, she is loved, fed, clothed and cared for. But my work, my bills, my 12 Step Program, my house to a certain extent, my car to a definite extent. I've just felt tired and restless and unwilling to do anything. Again, I haven't been depressed, just not able to motivate myself into action towards anything. I also haven't felt like connecting to my Higher Power and that is something that is very, very dangerous for me. I haven't been bingeing, but my food hasn't been where it needs to be and I feel like I'm putting on weight.
My sponsor says that we aren't food addicts, we are pleasure addicts and I agree with that, because when it comes to the things that bring me pleasure, namely Ninja and Mr. Wonderful, I have been most proactive and efficient with my time and resources. I have managed to fill quite a bit of time with romantic/sexual activities and found myself enjoying those a great deal! I spent last weekend at Ninja's place. Wednesday morning, I took the entire morning off with the sole intention of getting my finances in order and ended up doing nothing except calling Mr. Wonderful so he could hear me have an orgasm as I masturbated. That evening after I got off work, he came and got me and we had a date. It was very romantic. We went to dinner at this place with outside seating, we walked around a beautiful park, we talked, we held hands, we kissed. The entire point of the date was simply to be together and have dinner. But as he drove me back to my car I got a text from Anti-Christ, who had Offspring and was supposed to be returning her at 8:30. It stated "715 Movie, Turning off Phone". I looked at Mr. Wonderful and within 7 minutes, we were at a motel, fucking like animals. It was sweaty and crazy and raw and passionate. He began attacking me in the elevator and didn't stop until we left, an hour and a half later.
The next morning, I got up a little early to send an email to PA D. (PA as in short for Pennsylvania). PA D. is a friend I dominate by email. I don't stay in touch as often as I should, although frankly, I don't want him to get spoiled. So I was emailing him and as I wrote the things I was going to do to him in the context of a domination scenario, I was overcome with this wave of sexual emotions. This had never happened before. I woke up feeling perfectly normal and thought "I need to write PA D." and by the time I was half way through, I was ready to start humping anything in site! I managed to get myself under control, wake up Offspring and get her to school and then, with 1/2 an hour until work, I started a chat with Ninja, while also (ever the multi-tasker) touching myself. I finally told him to call me and I lay down and he helped talk me into another orgasm. While not to the same extent, the same thing happened again this morning when I was emailing PA D. (Twice in one week! The boy won't know what to do with himself!) I've got breakfast and lunch with Mr. Wonderful on Monday and then Wednesday, I'm supposed to meet Ninja somewhere between his place and mine for many hours before I go to a parent teacher conference. October is shaping up to be a busy month with my guys as well.
Basically right now, I'm a hormone with feet!
But something else happened this past week. Honestly, (and this may have been my imagination), I felt like B., my sponsor, was withdrawing. She's busy, I'm busy, and she was out of town, but for some reason, I felt this slight shift and I can't explain it. I don't think she was withdrawing, I think I was probably isolating because I wasn't working my program the way I needed to be, but it doesn't matter. It scared the hell out of me. I love my guys and would be heartbroken to lose any of them, but I won't know what to do if I lose my sponsor. That would devastate me so profoundly, I feel like I couldn't recover. I also started thinking about my previous idea about having a different life than the one I had before. A profoundly different life, not just the same life with Anti-Christ removed from it.
So I took some action...
It started with talking to my Higher Power. I didn't want to do it, I felt very apathetic towards Him, but I had no choice. I basically just made a gratitude list, thank you for a healthy child, thank you for a place to live, thank you for a job, thank you for not letting me gain 50 pounds again, on and on. And I got a message, very clearly. (I get those sometime). Basically it was that I had my crazy time and now it was over. That was it. It was over. It was time to take action, it was time to move on. I started by weighing myself as soon as I got to work (they have a scale in this room called the Tranquility Room...a scale is about the least Tranquil thing on the planet but oh well...). 5-9 pounds or so heavier, since I've been on the same weight, give or take 4 pounds, for two years. Okay, at least I knew where I was. I went on line and checked my bank accounts. Nothing overdrawn. Another miracle. Most importantly, the next day I took my boss out to lunch. Now on one level, this was the cowards way out because the bigger boss, (aka the meaner boss) was out of the country and my immediate supervisor is the nicest person EVER! She will ask you a question, sweet as pie and then later apologize for "Coming down too hard". But I took her to lunch and basically just spilled everything. My disorganization, my avoidance of deadlines, the back log of work I had hiding on my desk, and ultimately, my sincere desire to be a better employee. It would have been so easy to just blame it on the divorce. She would have understood and been sympathetic, but that wasn't the truth. I was like this long before I filed.
Yes I would like to not get fired, but ultimately, I want to not be a liar anymore. I want to not waste people's time and resources. I want to do the job they are paying me for. I want to remember the steady stream of crappy jobs I came from and remember that this really is a good job. I want to be someone Offspring can be proud of. I don't want to be the weakest link in my department chain. My immediately supervisor said she appreciated my honesty and she called it "courage" to change things.
So those are my small changes. I still have plans over the next month, at different times with Mr. Wonderful and Ninja, but I also have a desire for balance. There are things that I won't be able to do, that I will desperately want to do because they are things that give me pleasure. But my responsibilities have to come first. At least they do if I want to be a different person. If I want to NOT be my mother. If I want to raise a strong, responsible, confident woman. If I want to be free of my compulsion. If I want to have serenity. If I want to be in tune with my Higher Powers desires for my life. Some of this may all sound just like the post from a couple weeks ago, but now I'm ready to take some action to make these things come true. It's not all going to be perfect and it won't be overnight and if I expect either, I'm setting myself up for failure. There's a phrase that gets used a lot in 12 Step Programs. Just do the next right thing. What is the next right thing. The next right thing. If I keep my focus on that, then I feel like I really can go on.

Part II - Stingers Revenge

2009-09-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

I always worry that since Ninja reads my blog, possibly since before we met I think, there will be no mystery in our relationship. He saw a picture of my bottom a month before he saw it in real life! He knows things about me that maybe I feel like I would have liked to have discussed over time, but I gave him the blog address, so that’s my fault. He’s a good guy and I’m pretty sure he would stop reading if I asked him, but asking him to stop seems a little excessive, so I try not to worry about it.
I’m starting to think the guy has a photographic memory because he really does remember what he reads on there! I suspect he sees it as his manual to the joy and wonder that is me! (HAHA)
One of the first things he showed me when I arrived at “The Ninja Compound”, was that he had purchased not one, not two, but THREE products that had Arnica as an ingredient. Three products did present the question in my mind…what the hell is this guy expecting to DO to me? J
Shortly after I arrived, we retired to a pair of seats from an old Chevy Van (great song!) in front of his bonfire area and made out for what seemed like a long time. But as he pointed out, the two weeks since we had seen each other had ALSO seemed like a long time! I think we were still making up for the 6-week stretch before that! Mainly, we were just necking at this point. (Do people still even use that word necking? I can’t think of any other, but man it makes you feel old when you wonder what “kids” today are saying!) But the wonderful weather and the quiet lent itself to some easy, fairly tame reconnection with the exception of my nipples. WOW! Wasn’t sure if he was biting or what, but later, as I was walking around, I checked and 1 looked almost black. It was a little painful when he was doing…whatever he did…but not excessively so and certainly not to the point I felt I needed to stop him during. But after, I teased him that his nipple privileges were cut off and and the Arnica was applied fairly early. A few hours later, it was almost back to normal.
We spent the next 6 hours just hanging out and whenever I was within reach, he would kiss me. The whole thing was really relaxed. After dinner and Maverick Scrabble (Rules? HA!), we retired to our little corner of the world (i.e. trailer) to connect further.
Stinger had accompanied me on my journey West of course and Ninja casually confirmed this (the guy is probably the most laid back person I’ve ever met, so pretty much everything that is said is casual). But for the first hour or more, neither of us seemed really all that concerned with spanking at all. It seemed more about touching, getting to know each other on this physical level. It was only later, as we lay there, that he if I a spanking. (Do I want a spanking? I would say with me that is a rhetorical question 98% of the time, but still sweet of him to ask…)
So after about 45 minutes of being across his lap, during which time he just used his hand, I started worrying he might be getting tired. Okay, I started worrying once I came out of my near catatonic state of relaxation! J So then we stopped and lay down, I guess with the idea of sleeping! And the sleeping was sporadic, but wonderfully sporadic, because when 1 of us would wake up, we would end up touching each other again.
The next morning when we woke up, we talked and we fooled around and continued our explorations J and then we had to debate what we had time for…breakfast or Stinger. I was torn because I wanted Stinger but I was hungry as well. So pretty quickly I was back over his lap and he began using Stinger. This was my first time he had been used on my bare bottom and (total pun intended) the thing packs quite a wallop. Anyone who’s seen the pictures (and they are posted on the blog) knows that there are two distinct designs, 1 on each side. I guess he thought (and I would have assumed) that each side would feel differently, but they didn’t. I couldn’t tell the difference between 1 side and another. So after about 15 minutes I think of that, and a very generous application of Arnica, we decided to try and fit breakfast in as well. We had some delicious eggs and talked some more, before I packed it up. Headed back to civilization and I have to admit, on some levels, I was not all that anxious to get back. It was a little sad to leave all that peace and quiet and sad to leave him, but Stinger and I hit the road, back towards “civilization” a mere 20 minutes later than we planned. Me slightly sore, Stinger ever so slightly more worn, but I think both of us very satisfied with how the time went. (Oh and I think Ninja enjoyed it too!) J

A Ninja in his Natural Habitat - Part I

2009-09-13T15:18:00.001-07:00

Blogger is acting weird. Downloaded picture but then I get 4 lines of data instead of seeing the picture UNTIL I hit publish post. Oh well...

So this weekend, I spent 22 hours with Ninja at his place. His place is hard to describe, but I'm going to go with rustic. It's 100 miles from where I live, it's almost in the middle of nowhere and it does not even consist of a house. For some reason, the word compound springs to mind. Various structures, most of them once mobile, dotted the landscape and the electricity results when he runs his generator. There's a land line phone, but I think he said he would have to hook it up. He always teases me that when I went camping w/ Offspring at the Girl Scouts Camp that I was by no means roughing it and I agree...especially now! This was closer, definitely.
The thing that struck me most, was how quiet it was. No traffic noises, no TV, no phones ringing, no other people. The occasional sound of something falling from a tree or a bird or a cow (they belong to his neighbor) and even less frequent, a cat meowing...there are a few running around but I only met Leroy. But the quiet was very peaceful and very serene and Ninja was kind enough to order up some beautiful weather (not rain but still very mild and pleasant). The trailer we stayed in had been pretty stacked up for a number of years, so while he did some readjusting, I walked around a little, talked to him, helped a little with the hauling and managed to clear the land of all the spiderwebs using only my face. (There were a lot of them and I think I walked into all of them, but hey...rustic ain't cheap!) :)
At one point, he was showing me a light he uses when it gets dark. It's a bright head light kind of thing that is attached to a piece of black rubber and it goes around his head...sort of like a miner's hat without the hat part. A miners head band, really. I teased him about it relentlessly and finally got a couple playful swats for my trouble. :)
But it really was a very nice time. We talked, we laughed, I kept nagging him to focus on getting a place cleared for sleeping because he kept getting distracted (okay, he kept kissing me!) Then it got dark. We sat in this trailer, with no one around, maybe for miles, listening to a classic rock station on the radio, eating cold lasagna I had brought (he could have warmed it up in his microwave but that was in another part of the "compound" and it was getting late...it tasted fine cold) and then we had some fruit, we played Scrabble, not keeping score, making up words and running the words off the board more than once, and having a really good time. He told me that some women he has met have been very put off by his "compound"...some even put off by the description having never seen it! I guess I went in thinking it was an adventure (and he promised we would head back to town and get a room if I was unhappy with the place) and in the end I ended up feeling like I was able to let go of a lot of stress and enjoy.
Later when we went to bed, it was in the back corner of the trailer and something about that also appealed to me. I guess I'm a city person (technically a suburb person!) but I was born in the country. We left when I was about 5, but I spent a lot of summers down there and now, when I drive back there to see my mom or my dad, what always jumps out at me are the houses along this long stretch of single lane highway you have to drive to get to this small town. Some of them stand alone, in the middle of a piece of land, with nothing else around. If you drive 35 miles in 1 direction, you are in a town with pretty much everything you need (Walmart is everywhere!). If you drive 60 miles past that, you are in an actual metropolitan city, so it certainly isn't like you are completely cut off from all civilization. But I always liked these houses and how you really could make yourself believe that you were out in the middle of nowhere. My dad's house is on a few acres and while his closest neighbor is probably 1/8 of a mile away, you can't see them. It really does give the impression of just being by yourself. I always thought it would be nice living in a place like that, so sleeping in the back corner of this little trailer, at what seemed like the edge of the world, next to him, on a really nice, cool evening, felt very good.
Tomorrow...the good stuff!!!! :)

Like Steve McQueen

2009-09-10T04:37:00.001-07:00

I ain't takin' shit off no one...baby that was yesterday...I'm an All-American Rebel makin' my big getaway...
Sheryl Crow - Like Steve McQueen

Divorce Song
When my mother got divorced, March of 1975, she drove up and down main street listening to Bread 8-Tracks. Bread, for anyone unfamiliar, is a band that released a bunch of songs that were very much like my mother...maudlin and overdramatic. The other day, I discovered my divorce song. Like Steve McQueen. It's on the Come On Come On CD by Sheryl Crow and that line above says it all. While the best song, I think, is the title track (BTW Ninja, Stevie Nicks sings back up on the song Come On Come On) but Like Steve McQueen is a song that will put you in exactly the right frame of mind, from the first guitar lick through the last note. It makes me really believe I ain't takin' shit off no one...that WAS yesterday!!!!

Glamour
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/08/secrets-of-happy-couples?currentPage=1

You'll have to copy and paste the link (it's a short piece) but the link thing didn't work. Maybe I was in the wrong frame of mind to read an article on the secrets of happy couples, but this one? Honestly! Every couple is thin. Every couple is wealthy. Every couple has a job that is hugely creative and stimulating. (2 ballet dancers! A chef! Another chef! Someone who founded his own website listing nothing but the cool stuff no one can afford and OH! his wife is the creative director!) I'm sorry, these are not real people. Take a gander at them. Not real people. I am not going to listen to these people! I think maybe 1 of them was over 35, and exactly 1 couple had been together longer than 4 years! Come back and talk to me when you all have kids...and debt...and hair loss...and unemployment...and her ass is huge and he's bitter and resentful because her ass is huge...and they haven't had sex in 6 months...no I was definitely not in the right frame of mind to read that...

Now What?

2009-09-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

Anti-Christ is gone. He pops up occasionally to pick up Offspring or various remnants of his past life, but he's gone. My brother is actually living in his room. It's time to look forward. To...what? That appears to be the big question. I was telling Mr. Wonderful that it would be so easy to continue with the life I had before, just minus AC. Lift him out of there and the life I had before continues, less stressful, less toxic, happier. Less complicated? No, so long as we are connected by Offspring, AC wont' let it be entirely uncomplicated but my "team" (not to be confused with "my guys") of minister, 12 Step Sponsor and therapist will, I'm confident, help me as I navigate that. My lawyer (a temporary member of the team) says I need to bend over backwards and placate my ass off until the judge has signed off. I need to humor and appease and keep the peace. If the last 1/3 of my life has prepared me for nothing else, it has prepared me for keeping the peace with AC. I can do this for another 21 days.
But this does not address the future. My future. Maybe the place to start is the question who am I? Minus the label of "wife", with its subtext of downtrodden and abuse, and strip away the "good mother", because that aspect is not going anywhere, then who am I? Okay, I am a nice person, most of the time. I am a good friend and I try to be caring and considerate. I am a good listener, I think. I can't recall having ever kicked a puppy and I always hold the door for the elderly. These are my pros.
On the other side, I am not the most organized person on the face of the planet. I can be a procrastinator, although I keep putting off admitting that. :) While not a big, extravagant spender, I am not organized with my money. I am an addict and when it comes to my addiction, I have not entirely given up all of my past behavior, which includes lying, cheating and stealing. I am much better than I used to be, but I am not where I want to be. I am also not the employee I want to be and I am not doing what I am passionate about in life.
So what am I prepared to do about this? As someone who occasionally gravitates towards the over dramatic, I want to make a big, sweeping vow to my 16 followers (and those who haven't registered) that starting tomorrow, I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to change every bad habit I have, I am going to wake up tomorrow and find that it's the first day of the rest of my life. There will be assorted woodland creatures present to help me dress while elves in a nearby tree make cookies and fine crackers. (Okay so much for the diet!) :) Starting tomorrow, all will be different.
Except these are the vows I make to myself each and every day and they never work out. Unrealistic expectations that I want to happen immediately with very little effort on my part. What can possibly go wrong?
So I want to start simple I guess, because I honestly do not want the life I had. I do want things to change. I want a life that is different and maybe the best way to do that is to start with a day that's different. Now I just have to figure out how to do that.
The first step, according to my sponsor, will be to turn over everything to my Higher Power. That is probably the first step, is getting back in touch with him, because I have felt very ambiguous about my spiritual side lately. I have some theories as to why that is, so once I have explored that, I think the next step is asking myself, each day, why do I want a new life? And then find out how, within that day, within the confines of what I have at my disposal, I can achieve that. It doesn't have to be moving a mountain. Sometimes the significant changes in life are small things that add up, right?
One of my all time favorite sayings is:
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher
I don't know if making the changes necessary to have a new life requires courage, but I know that I am willing to say, every day, I'll try again tomorrow. I am willing to make a commitment to myself. And after a lifetime of worrying about everyone else, maybe that's a step in the right direction.

My Guys

2009-09-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Okay so none of my guys "technically" look like this...but I'm not complaining. :)
Today was not a great day starting out. The Anti-Christ is gone. Officially gone all the time. But not content to sit on his laurels, he continues to attempt to make sure my life is as miserable as possible. So as I was telling my 12 step group last week, it feels like I have two options: I can continue to bend over backwards and be a door mat, accommodating him to "keep the peace" for my daughters sake, or I can be this total bitch who just says "Fuck you" and hangs up the phone and make sure I match him at every turn and make this as contentious and miserable as possible. I'm sure there's a middle ground for me, but it just isn't clear right now. I've been saying my serenity prayer a lot today, "God, Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change..." because I can't change the Anti-Christ. As B. asked "In 13 years have you EVER been able to get him to change his mind or even listen to your point of view?" That would be no! In fact, I've killed myself explaining my point of view, presented logical arguments, charts, graphs, statistics...never works. So maybe it's time to stop killing myself trying.
So I took the afternoon off, I met Mr. Wonderful for 5 great hours and then on my way to my 12 step meeting I tortured Ninja on the phone for calling me "middle aged" (Long, funny story).
I'm convinced that God looked down at me and my marriage and said, "You've been through enough" and he sent me Mr. Wonderful. Someone so kind and generous and loving who makes me feel so special. As I've stated, our relationship has its limitations, but his being amazing isn't one of them. But then, I found Ninja to prove that there was more than 1 person who might treat me decently in the world. And he's just this really sweet, smart goofy guy who's sort of cracked like me. It's going slowly, which is nice, considering how quickly everything else in my life seems to be moving. So here I am, playing the field, as my friend Dave points out. (Dave is one of my "honorary" guys, since we've never actually met in person!) The funny thing is, they do have some things in common...mainly telling me I'm sexy and funny and sarcastic (which luckily both seem to think is a plus) and they both REALLY like my ass. Now I'm not someone who is used to having people tell her much of anything nice about herself. In fact, 13 years with AC conditioned me to NOT expect anything of the sort.
The other thing they have in common is this incredible sense of consideration that just cracks me up. I don't mean they are considerate towards me (which they both are) but they are actually considerate towards each other, having never even met once! When I was going to spend 36 hours with Mr. W, Ninja kept telling me to have a good time and he'd be thinking of me. Um...okay. Ninja said my time with Mr. Wonderful would make me happy and he just wanted to see me happy. Mr. W keeps worrying that he needs to back off so he doesn't get in the way of Ninja and me. Then Ninja asks if I've told anyone about our next date we have planned. I tell him just Mr. Wonderful and he starts in on not wanting to cause any issues or problems between Mr. W & myself.
Seriously, what GUYS do this sort of thing? The two of them are killing themselves, trying to make sure THE OTHER ONE is in no way inconvenienced or offended or whatever. It's just surreal. And it's really sweet. And I feel really lucky to have found both of them.
Shout out to another "honorary" guy, Mr. Spanko, although I've had rather limited interaction with him and also his lovely wife is not a guy! Hey next post...My Girls! :)

Nigel the Master Craftsman

2009-08-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

Ninja & I had dinner 6 weeks ago, give or take. It was a nice dinner, restaurant was a little loud but I did introduce him to sushi. I guess what makes it a little surreal for me is the fact that he answers a craigslist ad I placed for Mr. Wonderful to find. And I always told Mr. Wonderful that would happen. That he would place an ad to tease me and some woman would answer & he would end up dating her or vice versa. Seems vice versa is what has come to pass. So 6 weeks ago, dinner, pleasant conversation, a hand shake, a hug and departure. It was a really nice evening and since then, Ninja (or Nigel as Mrs. Spanko called him by mistake the other night on the phone and it's caught on!) and I have emailed, chatted and spoken on the phone and it has all been extremely enjoyable. I think in the beginning, it seemed to be going in the direction of a relationship that would turn sexual very quickly. A lot of innuendo during communication, pictures exchanged, what have you. But at some point, for some reason, it changed. It slowed down. It became, in my mind, something that was progressing very much in the manner of a traditional relationship. Talking, laughing, none of it in person, but still, this gradual feeling of becoming more familiar. It felt nice. Now, would the rest of the world view it as traditional? Would a "traditional " person view a man making a woman her very own paddle as the "natural progression of a normal relationship?" Maybe not, but I view it as the actions of a man who is very sweet and trying to do something nice in an area that interests a woman he is interested in getting to know better. That in itself if very sweet. So we met last night. We started with a much longer, nicer hug than last time. He told me he had something and out it came. And it was beautiful. It was so ornate and not at all what I was expecting. I just started laughing and kissed him. 2 small kisses, standing in a parking lot at a Phillips 66 station. I hope I conveyed how much I liked it. So after I changed my clothes in the gas station bathroom, the three of us, Ninja, myself and the paddle were on our way. I drove us to a near by state park, as we had planned and we began walking. This park is always deserted and while there were 7-8 cars in the area and lots of people around, they were all attending a bar-b-que in the pavilion and the walking trails were completely deserted. So we walked and we kissed and we walked some more. The weather was really nice and since we were in the woods and we started walking around 630pm or so, the sun wasn't beating down on us and as time wore on, it got darker.

By the time we came out of the woods, it was completely dark. The park closed at 9pm we knew and it was right around 830. The pavillion was deserted so we ducked in there and kissed some more. Then he started swatting my rear end. Now he's read the blog, so it isn't exactly like this was a total surprise or like he thought I would be offended or call the police. But it was nice. I had my jeans on the entire time. In crazy Spanko world, is that the equivalent of playing hard to get? "Of course I want you to spank me, but I'm an old fashioned girl and this is only our second date, so I'm going to need to leave me jeans on!" :)
So as we walked back to the car, in the dark and stood there kissing a little more, I asked if he wanted to try out his invention. Let me tell you, it took some convincing! :) But I mean, the man made the paddle...for me...from scratch. He engraved it with my name on 1 side of the handle and his "handle" on the other side...he used the "Stinger" font (my favorite part I think is the name of that font...because leave it to this guy to find it!) and he even put a small leather "Cat of Four Tails" on the end for easy hanging capabilities. I mean, the detail he put into it was just so amazing. Not letting him test it out would have just seemed rude. :)
The hand spanking and the paddle were both the same. Over my jeans, while I was standing, facing him and kissing him. And it was really nice. Got some sting and some really nice heat going. The heat is what stood out for me. Without the jeans, that probably would have changed, as far as what stood out :) which he pointed out but I already figured. And right around 9pm, we got in the car and went off to have dinner. A very nice dinner. We have this bad habit of picking loud reastuarants. This was a mexican place. We enjoyed the singer (okay we enjoyed mocking him), the guacamole tasteed like nothing but lime juice, but it really was a very nice, proper date in my sick, twisted mind (and he really likes my sick twisted mind).
We drove the 25 miles or so back to his car and although I think we both wanted to stay, it was already approaching 11 and he had to drive a long way home and my trip wasn't around the corner either. So after one of those "Good bye's" that last about 15 minutes, we were on our way, seperately. All involved (including the paddle I'm going to call Stinger) agreed it was a really really nice date and all of us can't wait to get together again.

The Ultimate Multitasker

2009-08-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

DIVORCE COUNTDOWN: 29 DAYS!!!!

I'll admit it, I am constantly doing more than one thing at one time. Whenever I'm doing something, it always feels like I should be doing something else as well. Maybe part of it is having 2 jobs, a kid, a 12 step program, church...now add into that, after a 5 year dry (no pun intended) spell, a social life. I can hardly be blamed if I am on the phone paying my car insurance bill while I drive to the grocery store...on my lunch hour...because in the end, there just aren't enough hours in the day! It's why the people at the last stop light before the highway occasionally get a thrill when I'm changing by blouse at a red light between job 1 & job 2. It's why I'm on the phone trying to get my insurance company to pay for my PAP Smear while stirring tuna helper and explaining multiplication tables to an 8 year old. I'm a modern woman and a modern mother. I am efficient, I am capable, I am exhausted. :)

Mr. Wonderful brought up the multitasking a few weeks ago, because I was going down on him in his car while talking to my lawyer about my divorce. There really wasn't much to do on my part, besides the occasional "Uh huh" or "No that's his, not mine". I could hear everything he was saying, my mind and focus were very much on the voice in the phone...my mouth was just doing something else...

The other day, I was on the phone talking to Ninja, from a bathroom stall where I was changing into my clothes for Job #2. (Yes ALL I did was change in there!!!)

I recently chatted with Mr. Spanko and Mrs. Spanko, but it was on different tabs and that's something I am pretty good at. I know they share both sides of the conversation with each other, but I sometimes like to fantasize that neither knows I'm talking to the other one. It's kind of cool. Thank God for the popping noise Yahoo makes when your chat buddy types in their reply!!

Before Job #1 cut off all internet access (BASTARDS!!!), I would chat with Mr. Wonderful starting around 615am at Job #1 and then Ninja would come on later and stay on when Mr. Wonderful had signed off, but there was an overlap, and so juggling two chats, while also greeting customers and selling them exercise classes...even I was a little amazed at that.

And once the Anti Christ moves out, it's only going to get worse. While truly evil in many respects, he never went anywhere, so I could leave the kid with him whenever for however long. That's going to change. I'm going to be a single mother. A single mother. Odd phrase. Feels weird.

Also, Ninja and I are going to dinner this Saturday, the first time we've seen each other in 6 weeks or so. So does that mean I'm juggling two relationships on top of everything else? I don't know. All I know is I'm closing my eyes and jumping in, daily planner clenched tightly in my hand!

37 Hours in Heaven

2009-08-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

So how did my mini vacation go? Well, often images can speak volumes! 37 hours of Wonderful. Our previous record was 16 I think. So we ate and we watched a movie and we discussed writing and we had sex. A lot of sex. OH MY GOD!!!!

Not to say we didn't hit a few bumps. He knows about my Labor Day Monogamy Embargo and at times he wanted to treat this as our "Last Hurrah" which it isn't. I mean, it may be but that will be up to him. I never said I was breaking up with him, just that I would be seeing other people as well, selectively. So, okay...there it is. But he would have moments of sadness, as would I. It's very hard when you love someone and there are all these limitations. But I think, for the most part, the entire time went off without a hitch. It was perfect. And, there was spanking. Now, to back track, I have posted a picture of my bruise in the past which was a result of Mr. Wonderful's belt during a fantasy session. I'm sorry, I just don't count that. Not 100% sure why, but I don't. And after that, it was pretty much a general slapping my ass during sex kind of thing and if it got more serious than that, well then it would divert into sex. For the one millionth time, not complaining because the deviation is so good, but I wanted something this time. I wanted him to spank me. Just spank me. So last night, after roughly 25 hours of every conceivable type of sex in every room of his house, he went to get the phone. I put pillows up on his headboard, and when he returned, I took his hand and had him sit there and I kissed him and asked him if he would spank me. He agreed, so I laid across his lap and hugged a pillow. My plan was this, if he wanted up, he was going to have to literally pick me up off him or roll me off or wrestle me off because I was not moving without a fight. This was not going to be prelude to sex. Not this time. And it worked. We talked, we laughed a little, he got some good color and some good sting going and I guess what he gave me must have fell into the same category as what Todd gave me the month before, I guess stress relief, because honestly, I just felt my whole body relax. It was really amazing together time. And while not a prelude to actual intercourse, it turns out there are things you can do TO a woman while she's across your lap...who knew!!?!?!??! :) But I guess what made it so special was it wasn't a fantasy. It wasn't role playing. It was him and it was me and it was just him spanking me. I love the fantasy and the role playing, but sometimes, you just want simple and you just want the guy you love to beat your ass and that's what I got! :)

I wanted to give Mr. Wonderful a shout out for giving me a really magical day and a half. Thank you for loving me, thank you for being kind and generous, thank you for being as amazing out of bed as you are in bed and congratulations on being the first person ever to help me achieve orgasm with their mouth AND the first person to simultaneously spank me and make me cum. While not a hard wired spanko, I knew you had it in you! Whatever happens, I love you.

Waxing 101

2009-08-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I kept the appointment, there was enough (apparently more than I thougth) that was 1/4 inch or more. Some things I learned today:
A bikini wax waxes just the bikini line (two fingers in as Jenny my friendly neighborhood sadist informed me in a very cheery tone)
An extreme bikini wax does the bikini line and what's on top.
Then there's the Brazilian which does it all, and I mean ALL. Yes, I was a little surprised when she told me exactly where she wanted to put hot wax (I mean she hadn't even bought me dinner) but the funny thing is, she said that getting the inside of your rear end waxed was actually the least painful. Um...okay.
She said that many people opted for the extreme bikini because they found the Brazilian to be too much to take their first time out. We agreed that she would being with the basic and we would see where we went. I work with a woman who, no how clearly you ask her a question, she always always stops you and says "Show me...I'm a visual person and I need to see it on the system..." and then she has the answer almost immediately.
I wonder sometimes if I am a verbal person. I seem okay with just about anything, if someone talks me through it and learning new things is really fascinating to me. And Jenny was very good about answering questions, explaining what was happening. There were times that the act of ripping the hair from my body hurt more than others (and she was right about the bottom...it was the least painful), but all in all, it was not torture.
Jenny was very professional and very thorough. She does a number of things at the facility where I went and said that doing facials was her favorite. (I would say that that goes without saying, considering that she has seen more of me than my gynecologist ever has!). I learned that while they say that Brazilian includes "the back", the actual name for it is a sphynx wax. They use strips of cloth made from poplin to do the ripping. They suggest aloe rather than lotion or cream for aftercare of the injured area. :)
Mr. & Mrs. Spanko and I were debating last night (after some wonderful phone sex) what the waxers reaction would be if I asked her to take a picture after she was done of...her work. Would she shrug and take it because it's something that happens all the time? Or would she be shocked and think I was a freak. So I asked Jenny about it, as more of a hypothetical issue my friends & I had been discussing and assured her I didn't have a camera. She said she had never been asked that and while it would seem a little strange, she probably would not object. (I was able to manage the pictures on my own though). I was sent on my way with instructions for tepid showers and aloe.
So I went and bought myself some Aloe after and what I got was the cooling aloe with menthol. WOW!!! I have no other words to describe this sensation. It was like someone dumped a bucket of ice on my genitals and left it there. Not painful, not uncomfortable, just COLD!!!! And kind of....nice. I may keep putting it on after I shave myself!
Jenny kept telling me to come back in 3-4 weeks and each time it will get easier, although she pointed out that I hadn't seemed to have any problems. I don't know if I'm going back. I know I can't spend that kind of money on waxing on a continuous basis. She advised me, as Mrs. Spanko did, to get a better razor. So we'll see. But it's something I can cross off my list. Something I can say I've done. And I'll admit it looks kind of cool! Still a little sore here and there, but hey, as my mother always said, beauty knows no pain! :)

Single Life Conundrums

2009-08-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

Someone recently asked me if I want to have any more kids. The question was a jarring one, because this is suddenly a relevant question to ask me once more. I’m going to be dating and “Do you want anymore kids?” is a pertinent question that is in no way out of line. I just didn’t think I would have to answer it again. “No, absolutely not,” was always the answer when I was married. We both liked having 1 child. End of story. Now, that story has actually ended and I have to come up with answers for the new questions in the new story.

Another thing I’m going to be navigating is the shaving issue. Apparently the general population wants a woman shaved and smooth. This has not been my experience in the past.. Prior to now, the people I encountered didn’t seem to care so I never took any steps to rectify this. Also, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I’ve worn a bathing suit in the past 10 years and when I did, I was 50 pounds heavier and the bottom part of the 1 piece were shorts, so no…maintenance of overgrowth has not been a priority.

Now, it appears it is going to be. Well I’m nothing if not accommodating. I tried to shave myself a few times. Then Mr. Wonderful attempted to help as well. We both had some limited success and looking back, I blame the razors which were suited just fine for legs and pits, but perhaps not other more challenging areas.

Earlier this week I was instructed by Mr. Spanko (of Mr. & Mrs. Spanko, my new friends I am currently having phone sex with) to shave before our next phone session. And so yesterday I tried. Again, doing the best I could. Last night, Mrs. Spanko gave me advice on the type of razor and shaving cream to use and I was again, instructed to try soon.

Monday night through Wednesday morning, I am going to be spending 38 hours IN A ROW, with Mr. Wonderful. This has never happened, so I thought, why not give him a thrill and get waxed.

I called a beauty salon place near my house and asked them about waxing. I have never been waxed so I got the low down on bikini versus extreme bikini versus Brazilian. Okay I make an appointment and the lady says “We’ll see you then…”

and I say “Do I need to bring anything? Do anything?”

“Just grow out…”

“Grow out?”
“Yeah, the hair needs to be ¼ inch thick…”

Um…okay. Here’s my challenge, I shaved last night and while I truly believe I did a piss poor job, the hair that’s left may well be less than ¼ inch. Do I get a ruler? A teeny, tiny ruler? (Those of you about to email me, offering to come measure…and you KNOW who you are, PUT DOWN THE MOUSE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!!!!)

The lady did offer that if I just came in, the technician would “Give it a look and see what she could do…”

Okay…I guess we’ll see!

Recently I received my performance appraisal at work and 1 thing they talked to me about was my attitude towards learning new things. Apparently I am professional, I am well liked, I am respected and appreciated as a hard worker and valuable member of our team. But when it comes to learning new things, I suck and they said as much. I become snarly and uncooperative is the general consensus. I agreed to work on it because while “Someone should really talk to me about my attitude” is my perfect standard, flirty, smart-ass comeback to my friends and lovers in the spanko world, I resisted the urge to say it to my 61 year old female boss!

Lately I’m realizing that while I may resist those new things (I’m sorry they are super boring and do not relate to my job at all, but I have improved…fear of unemployment has seen to that!!)…there are so many things I’m discovering I have absolutely NO qualms about investigating. I am feeling very adventurous and inquisitive right now. Things I thought would never hold any appeal, I’m suddenly interested in knowing…whether I try them or not may be another issue…or maybe it won’t.

Many attribute this to the final home stretch of the divorce, which is slowly wrapping up and at the same time becoming more contentious and ugly. I know there are those, even aside from Mr. Wonderful, who worry I’m going to jump off the deep end and go nuts but it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like I get to open my eyes, I get to see what’s out there, I get to make decisions on what I do and what I learn based on me and only me. That feels nice. Someone please remind me of this as I’m having the hair ripped from the follicles in my body on Sunday! If I’m lucky (and bushy) enough that is...

Random Musings

2009-08-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

1) A silent duck. I'll admit I had never heard of a silent duck before. I had never heard of "the bellows" before. I had never heard of "My hand in your pocket". And honestly, someone mentioned fisting to me and I thought of 1 thing, a full on fist inserted...wherever it is that people insert fists. Wikipedia has helped me to see the light on some of this, stating that this is rarely the case. But there is this picture...of what it says is actually the sign for the letter T in American Sign Language...and what struck me is that the notation says the letter T position of fisting became popular in the 90's. How in the hell does someone corroborate that piece of information? So we've got flannel shirts, grunge rock, coffee houses, Seinfeld, Friends and...

"I'll take popular fads of the 90's for 500 Alex!"
"The sexual practice that involves using the American Sign Language sign for the letter T..." "What is fisting, Alex!!!!"
"Correct!!!!"
2) Today is Vinyl Record Day and I was thinking that my generation may be the last generation to remember the sound of a needle on vinyl, that beautiful scratch...and tomorrow is International Left Handers Day. And VERY nice try to my friend who is trying to claim he's ambidextrous in order to score some action tomorrow...VERY nice try.
3) Today I heard "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield. I think I'm going to put that on my list of Great Songs to Have Sex To. I've heard the song like a thousand times, but never realized it until today. It joins the ranks of "Cry to Me" Solomon Burke and "Lovin', Touchin' Squeezin'" by Journey.
4) My daughter's third grade teacher looks 16! It was the most depressing thing EVER! When I am old enough to be my kids teacher's mother, then life has officially decided to bitch slap me. On the plus side, she's REALLY hot so parent-teacher conferences will be MUCH more interesting.
5) Ninja says he's making me a paddle. We've been debating wood and I found this great website
http://www.diadot.com/wood/
which lists A LOT of characteristics of A LOT of wood. It's actually very interesting to read about all this different wood. I was very excited at the prospect of having a paddle made out of "European Hornbeam" but he said that his fairly rural area of the Midwest does not have a great supply of Eurpoean Hornbeam! So now, it's down to Poplar or Red Oak. We'll see.
:)

Shifting Sands of Monogamy

2009-08-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

You know like The Temple of Doom? :) Wait that sounds wrong...

So I made a commitment to physical monogamy until Labor Day. Why? Many reasons, I guess. But I guess I am thinking now about the idea that I'm giving up monogamy more than the fact that I vowed it.
I don't know that I've ever been a truly monogamous person. I began an affair with A., a woman I worked with, just after I got married to the AntiChrist. (Then he was merely in the early stages of evil). While I loved him and was committed to our life together, but felt this urge, this desire, I felt myself drawn to this other person and I acted on it. That was my last dalliance until things went way down hill years later and the marriage was essentially over. But even in the interim years, I always felt like the idea of an open marriage is not something I would have objected to. It just never came up.

I don't know now what I think about it. I know I always felt like I was happily monogamous to Mr. Wonderful for most of the past 6 months, but there have been different people who've come along. A man who was looking for someone to dominate him. We met once, we had coffee, we kissed three times and we parted. Honestly, I often searched for reasons why I met him, and at the time what I came up with was that meeting someone else made me remember what kind of a situation I was in. No matter how much I have fooled myself, Mr. Wonderful & I were not destined to be together long term. Sometimes it felt like meeting people became a way to see if I could break his "spell" on me.
And this is not to say that I am meeting people or moving beyond friendly correspondence indiscriminately. I am meeting with people (the few I have) because I feel a connection on some level, because they appeal to me and I appeal to them and we are interested in exploring that. But so far, aside from three brief kisses and very chaste, friendly hugs with others, I have not touched anyone.

This has been a big topic recently. Mainly because what I have told him is that given the chance, I will stay with him. I will stay and I will kill myself to be the answer to every desire he's ever had because if I work just a little harder and fuck him a little better, he'll choose to stay with me. Yes, you are witnessing a woman who thinks she can change a man! No, please don't clutch your chest in shock! :)
But it's what I did for 13 years in my marriage and it's what I would do here in an instant, if I close my eyes to my past for 1 second. I have to forever remember where I've been so I NEVER go back again. As previously stated in the aforementioned post (WOW! Who reads contracts all day for a living?!??!?) it's a sad situation.

And while he may not have been up on the theories and reasons behind my Labor Day plan before, Mr. Wonderful has been sensing that things have shifted. Things are different. They are still wonderful on a million different levels, just this ever so slight shift. Because now there is a future. My future...whatever I choose to make that. Mr. Wonderful and the AntiChrist could not be more different. Mr. Wonderful treats me like I am so special and so beautiful and so sexual and smart and I'm just not used to that! It's amazing and it makes me ache it's so beautiful. But at the same time, there's a common denominator between them and that is that something is missing from these relationships. Something endeavors to make sure I'm just this side of happy. I know that no one is happy all the time. I get it. But there are dead ends in both these situations. I pointed out to him that I will beat myself against the wall at the end of this dead end street until I am useless to anyone and have to leave in order to survive.

B. thinks if Mr. W showed up tomorrow, ready to be with me and only me, I would freak out or at the very least, be disappointed that I didn't get to experience being single. I can't say that is true or false. If I got that with Mr. W. would I be monogamous? Would I tell him, "Yes, you and only you?" I thought I would. Maybe I would. But it's a big world with a lot of fun people who can make me laugh. I've got a really cool guy discussing wood types with me so he can make me a paddle...I've got new phone sex partners...and while I feel a true connection to these new people, I've probably sought these out, at least initially, because I knew Mr. Wonderful, while a permanent fixture and I can't stop that and I don't want to stop that, while a person I love more than anyone I think I've loved before, is not going to be my exclusive, monogamous Mr. Wonderful forever.

And maybe the universe is okay with that. And once I push through the sadness, I'll be okay with it too. I can't tell anyone where I'll be in 10 minutes, much less a year or 5 years from now. And yes I will be sad after Labor Day, but it seems like that date is coming to me in an organic flow. Another shift. AC will have moved out and I can move forward with Mr. Wonderful by my side in some capacity and (SAFELY!!!) see what's out there.
I'm actually proud of myself for seeing the shift and going with it. Rather than spending more than a decade of angst filled resentment trying to change it and mold it into what I thought it needed to be.

Safety

2009-08-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

I was looking over some posts today and it caught my eye that I mentioned that while Todd was spanking me but also holding me in a certain manner, that I felt very safe. And then I started thinking how many times I had written the word safe on this blog and how safety and security are things I feel like I'm constantly seeking. And one thing I love to do is look up the "official" definition of words when they are floating in my mind. Safe: Free from hurt, injury danger or risk. Safe: dependable or trustworthy. I guess most of this springs from Mr. Wonderful's extreme paranoia that I am not being safe. I scare him is his newest catch phrase. He thinks I'm taking too many risks when I agree to meet someone in person after I've met them on the internet.

When I try to defend my position, I think I probably appear like a petulant teenager who thinks nothing bad will ever happen and the grown ups are all overreacting and trying to ruin my fun and nothing could be further from the truth. I am a very responsible and cautious person. I am a parent and nothing is more important to me than that. When I meet someone in person that I have met on the internet, (and by the way, that's maybe 5 total people INCLUDING Mr. Wonderful), I have taken a lot of precautions including making sure that B. knows exactly where I am, phone numbers, locations, etc. Now, is all this a 100% guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen? Of course not. But no one can guarantee me that if I'm sitting in my house, it won't one day catch on fire and kill me. I point out that the BTK killer was an elder in his church and Scott & Lacy Peterson did not meet on the internet. Date rape and murder have been around A LOT longer than the internet and I could meet someone on the internet and end up married for the rest of my life or meet someone in a library or a church and end up in a dumpster. There are no guarantees in life and there is only so much we can do.

That being said, I sometimes wonder more about emotional safety, because the ironic thing is that the people I've met on the internet and then physically met have all been wonderful people. They have all been warm and kind and my life is enriched through knowing them. The people who gave birth to me, the person who vowed to honor and cherish me, various "friends", these are the people who hurt me. These are the people who damaged me. These are the people who criticize and insult and verbally and mentally abuse me. The safe people have done the most damage. So I find it ironic that no one has ever said to me "Be careful and take every precaution..." when dealing with family or spouses...loved ones. I wasn't safe growing up, I was lulled into believing I was safe when I fell in love and got married...I wasn't.

Maybe it's not safety I'm looking for. Maybe free from hurt, injury, danger and risk doesn't exist. Reliable and dependable may not exist either. So if they don't, then what am I looking for?

We went to a writing seminar over the weekend and were told to write down our favorite song, our favorite literary characters, etc. and I noticed every choice I made was sad. I'm drawn to the sad. Parts of me are always a little sad. I always credit Mr. Wonderful with healing me and on so many levels he did...he made me realize that I deserved to be treated decently and that there were people out there who would, that I had something to offer, that I was not a laundry list of faults and defects I had been labeled with for 30 years. That doesn't make our realtionship any less sad. Our situation is sad. It will end sadly. He makes me very happy and very sad and that is what I had to accept and knew all along but knowing only alleviates his guilt when it's over, because I've been promised nothing. He has said all along, there's a price to pay and I'm the one paying it. Yet it's the people on the internet I'm warned against...

At this same workshop, it asked what is the one thing you want. I wrote peace. Peace: A state of tranquility or serenity. That sounds closer to the truth. I try hard not to be overdramatic, but I feel truly that there will never be a time that there won't be a small part of me that is sad. Too much has happened over the last 40 years and there are just things that are what they are. But a state of tranquility and serenity. That feels like it might be attainable. That feels like something to work towards. Get rid of the negative energy. Get rid of the voices. I can't get rid of the memories but I can work towards sucking them dry of all the power they hold over me. I can make the effort to surround myself with people and experiences and situations that allow me to work towards becoming more tranquil and serene and happier. What could be safer than that?

In Case of Emergency

2009-07-31T15:58:00.001-07:00

(This picture was TOO cute to pass up)

So let's say, hypothetically, that I'm in a car accident or get attacked by Zombies...it could happen...and while eventually, I'm fine, at the time of the accident, I end up in the hospital and therefore am unable to clean out my car...what then?

When Mr. Wonderful and I hooked up, neither of us had any accessories or implements. Our first night together he brought lube and two $1 candles. As time has gone on, our arsenal has grown, but as two people, neither of whom can host at their place of residence, storage has become an issue.

If I were to hypothetically die, I could care less who finds what. I'll be dead. However, let me assure you, I won't die. No way. What will happen, is my car will be towed and someone in my life will have to clean out the car and then I will have to talk to the person who did, or at the very least, I'll just have to know that they know what is in my car...and they'll know I know. I just have this picture of my mother doing inventory as she goes through my trunk:

1 pair of handcuffs, lined with red fur and 1 set of keys

1 Hannah Montana Paddle

1 flimsy wood paddle

1 Wooden Yardstick

1 black nylon spatula

1 red rubber riding crop (Say that 10 times fast!)

1 pink Soft Teaze Vibrating Dong

1 Micro Orbit Smooth 2000 (I know! I still think the 2000 makes it sound cooler so I add that part myself)

1 paper bad of white feathers (wait...this looks like a cat toy!)

1 bag of clothespins (unused)

2 bottles lube

1 bottle unscented lotion

1 bottle of Mr. Bubble

1 copy of Fairground Attraction, basically a novel about Disciplined Carnival Workers (Thanks J!)

1 pink and black bustier (there's your visual for the day Ninja...and NO!! I'm not sending any pictures!)

1 pair black fishnet hose

1 Catholic School girl outfit

2 vanilla candles almost empty (VANILLA candles...would anyone get the irony?)

10 feet of white rope

1 pair scissors

1 bottle of Sutra Safe Suds (for cleaning toys that are used internally)

1 lighter

1 List of things to do: Join Spanking Union, Order Proper paddle off Internet,

I try to remember to transfer the two unassuming suitcases that all this is stored in from my trunk to my closet after Mr. Wonderful & I meet, but the other day I forgot. And when I got to work, I remembered my make up bag had been hastily packed in one of them. So I'm standing in the parking lot, of a faith based corporation, with an opened suitcase full of sex toys spilling out as I looked for eye liner! Luckily none of the nuns were happening by my car...:)

If my brother were to clean out my car, he wouldn't care. But it'll be my mom...that's just the kind of luck I have. Then, once I've completely recovered, she'll be giving me this look...my mother is by no means a prude when it comes to sex...quite the opposite. It's not so much about worrying she'll be shocked as it is not wanting her all up in my business. If it happened to be AntiChrist who found it, I don't know what his reaction would be. Not that his opinion matters much, but who knows what he tells people or my kid.

Actually though, the whole thing has led me to a question. Who is going to be my "In Case of Emergency" person now? I'm assuming my mother, but she tends to be the hysterical type. My brother might work. I guess I could put my 12 step sponsor, that would be the best person for me, but I don't want to inconvenience her. Or I could just keep everything the same with AntiChrist as the one. In almost 40 years, no one has ever actually called my emergency contact, so I guess it wouldn't matter. But in 13 years, it's always been him and now, not so much.

And things like that catch me off guard. I'm so happy to be leaving this relationship. My therapist, my sponsor, my minister, every trained professional in my life, knows it was time to go 5 years ago. I had to follow the process and do it at my own pace, but I am doing it. But every once in awhile, something like this...not missing him by any means...but missing the idea that I KNOW who is my emergency contact. I was informed the other day I should probably join AAA, indicating that if my car broke down, he wouldn't be the one I would call and he always has been. Not because I knew he could handle a crisis (please believe me he can't), but because who else would you call? You need a quart of milk, you call your partner. You call the person you live with. We've been estranged for years, but if the computer doesn't work, then I tell him.
Again, these things don't strike me as sad, as much as they do surreal. I've spent 1/3 of my life (to the day) with this person. That's a lot of time. And if there is someone out there who does NOT treat me like shit, all day, every day, they are already miles ahead of AntiChrist in terms of being a partner, but it's just so weird to realize he isn't going to be here. He isn't going to be a physical part of my life anymore. He isn't going to be sitting next to me at dinner judging me and making snide remarks and criticisms. So YAY!!! YAY but weird...
Maybe I'll take comedian Steven Wright's excellent advice. He writes on forms "In case of emergency call...a doctor...I mean, what's my MOM gonna do?"

Game Time aka Meeting Todd & Suzy Part II

2009-07-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

When last we left Shygirl, she had just gotten off the bus, ready to experience adventure on this...her first trip to the “big city”...

Okay, not really. What I was doing was playing Spankopoly with Todd and Suzy who were visiting my town.
It’s a really fun game. Dice were rolled, pieces moved, money and property exchanged hands and the thing they pointed out is that many people, when playing for the first time, don’t realize that it can take a while to get a spanking. But eventually, they did begin. Todd was in a chair, sitting across from Suzy & me on the couch. And while I know Suzy got the first spanking, I can’t recall if I got the 2nd or if she had 2 before my first. But there I was, walking around the game table, and laying across Todd’s lap. And he began. OH MY GOD, I thought the man was going to kill me…just kidding! :) Actually, it was a very nice sensation. I know he was spanking me lighter than he was Suzy, that much was very obvious, but we had all just met and I appreciated his consideration. The thing that stood out the most was how relaxed we all were. We were laughing, and we were talking while we played. When it was time for a spanking, Suzy or I would sort of play-complain, she would try to talk him out of it and I would just sigh, feigning frustration and go “Oh man!” but neither of us were truly upset, obviously. Todd pointed out that Suzy can never remember that he's right handed, so she keep going to his left side, so by the end of the evening, I was calling out, "He's right handed!"
The funniest thing was that I couldn’t quite figure out how to answer his questions. “How does that feel on your bottom…” “Good?” It stung a little but good seemed like the answer because I really was enjoying it. As the game progressed, the spankings did get harder, but certainly manageable. My piece on the board seemed drawn to the birthday square where Tops got money and bottoms got 20 spanks. I think I landed there 3 times! And I also ended up in jail aka “the woodshed” twice and always picked the 25 spanks and 25 dollar option to get out sooner.
Todd set a time limit on the game because like it's counterpart, Spankopoly can go on forever and then he asked me if I wanted to keep playing, talk some more or engage in more spanking. Well it seemed rude to turn down a spanking. I mean, I was their guest after all and I am nothing if not polite!
They asked me some more questions, and then we retired to the other part of the room where the bed was. While the whole thing was very enjoyable, it really seemed like we were all experimenting on my body. Seeing what I liked, seeing what I could handle, seeing what I could take and how I reacted to different implements. I got a "Build up" spanking that Suzy said Todd was famous for where it starts out as if he's barely brushing my bottom and then builds to quite a bit of heat and pain. He had some implements laid out, although I couldn't see them from my position. :) The thing that made me smile, was that while he was spanking my bottom, Suzy was standing at my top, showing me other implements, telling me where they were procured, trying to sell me on joining the Spanking Union...it was like from the waist down was his and from the waist up was hers. I was teasing her in my best frustrated voice to stop bringing over more implements because when she did he used them!
I think my favorite implement was something they called the Boudoir Strap but if that's wrong, maybe Todd & Suzy will mention it if they decide to write about our encounter. (Which the prospect of possibly being a topic or a mention in one of their posts is pretty cool!)
But Todd pronounced me a "leather girl" which surprised me, (for some reason I always thought I would be a wood girl, but I'm not complaining...God knows the man is certainly better equipped to make that assessment and I was honored by the title), and Suzy said that my bottom was a nice shade of pink when he was done. Near the end I was very relaxed, even more than I had been while we were playing the game. Being over his lap, with 1 hand holding me in place and 1 spanking me, I felt calm and safe and it was a very wonderful feeling.
Then he rubbed, applied something to my pink and somewhat sore bottom (been racking my brain and can't think of the name of it but I'm sure someone else can let me know!) and as much as I would have liked to stay, I had to get up at 415am for job #1 so sadly, our time was brief, yet wonderful.
So after redressing myself, two big hugs and promises to visit them if I head South or get in touch with me next time they were visiting, I was on my way, a little sorer than when I arrived, but very happy, having felt like I had just experienced a big adventure. A wonderful, exciting adventure with two super awesome friends.

The Day The Rock Stars Came To Town aka Meeting Todd & Suzy Part I

2009-07-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

Now just to preface, I tend to get enthusiastic and excited about things. Some people say "hyper" I say "appreciative of the positive".
I would say I'm fairly laid back, not much gets to me (at least that's how I view myself), but good things to get me excited. Getting a magazine in the mail, hearing a really great song on the radio, unexpected money (okay that probably excites everyone) and last week, the really BIG NEWS. "Todd & Suzy are coming to town!" The reaction of most of the people who know what I'm into was "Who?"
"Uh...Todd & Suzy...only the coolest people EVER!!!"
Okay, so technically, I had never actually met Todd & Suzy...semantics as far as I was concerned. They were the first site I found when I went looking for like minded people who share my interests and through their website I was suddenly linked to dozens of different sites covering ALL aspects of spanking, discipline, etc., so as far as I was concerned this was the equivalent of getting to go see Guns N' Roses in 1997!
When I got a 'wink' from them on their blog (and they had to explain to me what that was!) I was flying for like a week. In all my interaction with them, via the blogs and email, they had been super nice and so helpful, so after making several comments about looking me up if they came to my area, I finally got the magical email. They were coming and wanted to meet!
The first email ended:
Let us know if you're free and what ideas you might have as far as plans go. We're open to just about anything so just let us know.
Okay, immediately I began to worry. (I get excited and then I worry), "Just about anything". Did they mean spanking? I mean, it's not like we all met at a quilting bee! Okay, that's fine, but what if they didn't mean spanking and I thought they did and then it's really awkward because I just assume they do and they don't? (I get excited, I worry, I over think...it's a disease people!)

So I wrote back "What do you mean by 'open to anything'" and they were kind enough to reply that basically if I wanted to get lunch and meet, great. If I wanted to meet and maybe have a spanking, fine. They wrote they weren't pushy and were very respectful of my boundaries. Then they mentioned Spankopoly.

Okay, rewind past the over thinking and the worry. Spankopoly! After all the reading I had done on their post, I was going to get to play their game they invented. Now I was even MORE excited. So like the truly thoughtful bottom I am, I immediately shaved my legs and picked out some cute, new panties.

They mentioned arriving Sunday morning, I arranged to be free from 11-3, which I hadn't mentioned to them. Just shot them am email telling them to call me. They didn't. I was a little disappointed, but no worries. Things happen when you travel, plans change and I didn't know what their internet access was like. So okay, I headed home to prepare for my staff meeting at work that evening and the phone rang. And I missed it. It was an out of state number and it was them! Again, so friendly and nice and we made arrangements for me to meet them at their motel at 8pm that night. Back to excited!!!!

I was a little but nervous when I knocked on their door and when I entered and saw maybe 30 implements on the dining table in their suite laid out, okay I glanced and then went to sit down while I was still safe!!! We talked for about 1/2 an hour, getting to know you stuff. And they were exactly what I thought they would be...so friendly...so down to earth...so kind.

Then they asked me if I wanted to play Spankopoly. Now, even though I felt I could totally be myself, I didn't want to come off as some hyper, crazy, psycho freak, so I shrugged, smiled and said sure, sound good, as nonchalantly as I could. (I hope I'm not embarrassing Todd & Suzy, by going on and on, but they really are wonderful people) So money was counted out, pieces were chosen (I was the laptop - HAHA) and the game officially began.

To be continued tomorrow...

Tupperware

2009-07-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

It is roughly 30 days until my soon to be ex moves out (God willing because homicide is swiftly appearing as a more viable alternative) and since we have been seperated (but living together) for a little over 2 years and the years before that weren't so great, I can say with definite certainty, that I am 99% ECSTATIC that this relationship is over. The number will fluctuate once our child is informed, I know that. The other night I actually got a little sad thinking about my vegetable garden while I have never set foot in, since I have a tendency to kill all living plant life and wondering what would happen to it next summer when he was gone. So I'm not saying I'm doing cartwheels...okay I'm doing SOME cartwheels. But today, I started thinking about the things I can do when he is gone. And what brought this to mind was my tupperware, most of which is the cheapter Glad stuff, not that it matters.

Now keep in mind, that I've considered myself single for 27 months, but legally I was not and logistically, I was not, as B. & Mr. Wonderful point out. So when I am REALLY single, AND living alone, in EVERY WAY, I guess it will be different.

When I am single, all my tupperware will be stored neatly, with the lids on the proper containers and they will stay that way. Years of angst brainwashed me into thinking "At least he put some dishes away! Be grateful!" but I don't have to think that anymore.

When I am single, I can bring in groceries without being accosted "How much was this?" "Did we really need this?" (This is really infuriating, considering how frugal and sensible I am)

When I am single and kid is with dad, I can invite people over without worrying about anyone else's "mood". Is he happy and polite and jovial? Is he sullen and snippy and menopausal? (I am 100% convinced male menopause...VERY real!!!)

When I am single and kid is with dad (or even in bed asleep) I can use vibrator whenever I want. Why not use it now? While I have my own room, this sucker is (or seems) loud.

When I am single, I can go get a tattoo and anyone who would like to offer suggestions on what to get, I am open. Something small, something tasteful, something that will be placed where only I and those I grace with the honor of viewing can see. Should it be something significant to the occasion? Like shackles breaking?

When I am single and kid is with dad, I can come and go as I please, and answer to no one. I don't have to have a reason for going anywhere. I don't have to make up excuses for why I'm gone. Where I go, when I go, completely up to me.

I know there are more and I know there are hard times ahead. The anti-Christ won't respond to any emails about the specifics of the divorce, so I have to actually speak to him. Blech! But how much does that speak to our current times? I'm sitting in a room, emailing a man who is sitting 20 feet away, on another computer? (Trust me, the talking thing wasn't so much working...grunts and insults are two things I WILL NOT MISS!!!)

But it's getting close. It's getting so close and my heart breaks for my child whose world is about to be turned upside down because of my decision. That is something that kept me here years longer than I should have stayed. But I'm moving foward, I'm staying positive, I have my wonderful friends, my family, my kid and my tupperware. :)

The Little Suicide

2009-07-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I realized in the last post that I had mentioned that I have plenty of orgasms, with Mr. Wonderful and without and I've realized that I may have mistated that. I have plenty of orgasms WITH Mr. Wonderful. These days, that is it. Now this is highly unusual because I am a Master-Bater HAHA. But truly, something I always credit my mother with was this advice, "The best way to find out what you like is to do it to yourself." and so I did, from my early adolescence on.

I hit my peak 8 1/2 years ago while pregnant. The Antichrist (at that time he was referred to as my husband) worked out of town and was only home Friday night through Sunday afternoon each week. So I was along alot and during this time I must have masturbated 3-5 times a day. It was insane! Once I gave birth, my urges returned to normal and I would say I average 3 times per week, maybe more or less depending on all the things that prevent/encourage people to have sex with another person.

Now a couple of points:

A) I have never used or owned a vibrator or dildo. My orgasms have always come from my hands alone

B) For four years prior to Mr. Wonderful, nothing entered my vagina. Okay my fingers on a very rare occasion, but that's not how I make myself cum, so it wasn't necessary. And, as I mentioned, I did not own a vibrator, no I am talking absolutely nothing entered there.

Funny side note, the first time we tried to have sex, Mr. Wonderful began trying to enter me and it was so painful, he immediately stopped. It was excruiciating. I think it the combination of his size :) and the 4 year penis embargo that caused it. Now I had three orgasms that first time, but actual intercourse was ten kinds of hell.

Well I am nothing if not a problem solver. We weren't able to find time or circumstance to have intercourse again for probably 3-4 weeks after the first attempt, so I bought some lube, some condoms and began buying, at regular intervals, zucchini. We called it my "science experiment" And I set out to make my body more inviting to outside visitors. All the while Mr. Wonderful encouraging me but also making sure I knew that whatever happened, it was fine. And it worked. In like Flynn...(he demanded to know who Flynn was...but that's another story for another day)

Maybe now it's the combination of stress fatigue. Or maybe it's just having sex with someone who knows my body and what to do to it, how to touch it and use it and abuse it :). Maybe, for now, he's ruined me for myself and I need him there to get to that place where my stomach flips and my body begins to shake and I experience "the little death" as the French call it. Maybe it's a positive thing that I need him there to seal the deal, to pull my hair. to peel the layers of skin off my face with his 5 o'clock shadow, which never seems to go away. Maybe I'm to the point, for this moment, where I need a kiss and some sweet talk and a smile when it's over. Maybe I'm changing. And maybe that's okay.

Not Frigid however...

2009-07-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

Okay so just to be clear, I am NOT frigid. Absolutely not. I just looked up the definition and I AM NOT frigid. I have orgasms a plenty, with Mr. Wonderful and without. Absolutely no problem. Also, as I was telling him, he is the first man with whom intercourse has been pleasurable. Now I've never had an orgasm with a penis inside me, but I really do enjoy it when we do that. My problem is two fold:

1) When we are playing, when he is dominating me, when he spanks me or slaps me, it almost feels like it's more difficult to cum than if he just kisses me and touches. me. It honestly feels like I'm TOO aroused to respond. Eventually, I am able to talk myself down and enjoy the feel of his body and cum, but is it possible to be SO aroused that it's difficult to respond when you get down to the meat and potatoes?

2) I hate oral sex. I love performing it, CAN NOT STAND receiving it. The minute someone's mouth is down there, I just can't stand it. It's as if my vagina is just TOO sensitive. If he is using his lips (AND ONLY HIS LIPS), it's bareable. Not pleasant, but at least I'm not jumping out of my skin. But the minute a tongue is introduced, I want to jump on the ceiling. It's not painful in anyway, it's just really really hard to take. It makes my entire body tense up and I'm clawing the sheets and I'm moaning (not in ecstasy by any means) and I'm trying to hold it together. My ex said there was something wrong with me and I needed to see a doctor. B., while never judging, seemed surprised because she says that's one of her favorite parts of sex, Mr. Wonderful has been very patient and has tried different things, but honestly, I just think there's something wrong with me! Mr. Wonderful (I think) teased me that I would make the worst lesbian ever! The relationships I've had with women in the past, let's just say it was never an issue, due to time constraints or large, messy emotional issues. BUT I have been told that I am VERY talented when it comes to performing oral sex, on men and women, so I take pride in that.

I told Mr. Wonderful that the issue I've had, and it makes me very self conscious, is that I have this super charged sexual drive and this insanely over sensitive body that rebels against just about everything. I can't take having my ears touched. I can't take anything, fingers, tongue around my belly button, oral sex, we've covered. My nipples were the same way, this infuriating mix of overly sensitive and numb, especially since giving birth 8 years ago. So licking, sucking, can't stand it. Mr. Wonderful, again patient and amazing, realized that what my body would respond to was his mouth on my nipples roughly. He attacks them and it's all good.

So I don't know what to do now. The man has a beautiful, never say die spirit but at the same time, he isn't judging me, so I don't really worry about it, but it does get frustrating. So, my 5 followers and anyone else who should happen by...thoughts? Suggestions? Seriously, I'm at the point I'll try anything!

Also...Mr. Wonderful bought me a vibrator several weeks ago. He used it on my once and I used it last night. The sound and the vibration gets me into a near catatonic state and I go to sleep. Both times. It's a beautiful sensation and absolutely the best way to relax but isn't it supposed to make me cum? Maybe it's defective...maybe I'm defective! :)

Misunderstanding

2009-07-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

So I did a google image search for misunderstanding and found nothing so I just put this up. This is THE hottest woman! I mean...wow!
So Mr. Wonderful and I had our first "misunderstanding". 5 months in, it was bound to happen. And I refuse to call it a fight, because it wasn't a lot of heated anger and also, 99% of the "misunderstanding" was done via chat and email. It was a horrible day...the perfect way to end a horrible week in which everything went wrong. It was also the first time since I met him I seriously thought I was going to cry. That's how happy I've been. But the "unfortunant incident aka the misunderstanding" just drove home some realities of our situation that I hate. Most of the time, I can close my eyes to them, but there are times when these realities hit us both in the face and there's nothing we can do abou that. At one point, in one of his emails, he wrote "Let's stop this." it wasn't angry, it wasn't an order, but it was true. It was time to stop. Feelings were hurt, sadness was equally experienced, but we love each other and to me, that's what matters. So, as I honestly love to do, I followed his lead and I stopped emailing with my defenses up.
After he got off work (he leaves work 2 hours before I do), he drove 10 miles out of his way and parked in the parking lot to kiss me for 5 minutes. It was amazing. It was not something that was required, it was definitely not something that I expected him to do, even though it is very much in keeping with his personality. To me, what it did was reconnect us. I was still sad and so was he, but kissing him, touching him, holding him for 5 minutes made me remember that I am madly in love with this man. 100% of my needs are being met 98% of the time, as I told him later. Who gets that in life? Why complicate something so beautiful and organic?
Today was the perfect day. Aside from the fact we almost missed each other because "our place" didn't have any rooms and I had to drive around looking for 1 and was franticallly texting him, it was perfect. Tied to a chair for 25 minutes, face slapped several times, some paddling, a wonderful orgasm (for both of us), then afterwards, an hour of relaxation. An hour of talking and again, I felt, reconnecting. He said it was nice to see my smile after the week I had had. He apologized for Friday and I did as well, because it's not about blame or fault, it's about loving hiim, something I'm prepared to do...I don't feel like I should say forever, but I can't see a time when I won't. I did ask him the other day if ever broke up, for whatever reason, if we could still email and chat, because I need to make sure that, in whatever capacity it is, I am able to love him forever. He said we could and that let me breath again.

9 1/2 Weeks

2009-07-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

9 1/2 weeks was on tonight. Good movie. I say that because I LOVE Mickey Rourke. Young, beautiful Mickey Rourke, older, damaged Mickey Rourke, any Mickey Rourke. And the movie is very sophisticated. At least that's how I remember it from when I was a teenager. It just seemed like such a sexy movie.
Then I read the book. WOW!!!!! You want to talk about diverting from the original source! In the movie, I guess Mickey is supposed to be "dangerous". We know this because he blindfolds Kim Bassinger. That's about it. He buys a riding crop and while he's in the store he bring it down on her thigh 1 time. In 1 scene, he tells her to remove her underwear and stand against the wall and prepare to be spanked. FINALLY SOME ACTION!) and then she goes ballistic and starts hitting him and then they end up having sex on his table, but he never actually spanks her. Then he gets a hooker to touch her a little and they watch a live sex show. That's really about it. It's supposed to be this sexual, psychological thing and as those go, I guess it's okay. It's fun to watch in that Kim and Mickey were both so young and so beautiful and Adrian Lyne is a good director for a sort of highly stylized movie and his fingerprints are all over this. The biggest draw back though is Mickey Rourke's smile. He is always smiling in this movie. Is he supposed to be dangerous? Is he supposed to be controlling her? He just never seems to be taking it seriously. It's very distracting. Plus side, Kim Bassinger does a really good masturbation scene. Much more enjoyable than the strip tease scene, which seems kind of pointless.
By comparison, the book seems so hardcore. From the beginning, this guy is in charge. One of the first times they are together, he slaps her and then they examine the mark together in the mirror. He feeds her dinner and gives her a bath and puts her to bed and she is in handcuffs the entire time. (I LOVE that!) He dominates her in just about every conceivable way and she can't stop. And there is a scene with a hooker but it's actually a scene in much greater detail, because this hooker actually makes up and dresses the protagonist to look just like the hooker. The thing that I remember most vividly was the fact that the man inserted and removed the woman's tampons. That just horrified and fascinated me and aroused me all at the same time. To this day, it is just the coolest and weirdest thing for some reason. The book is going along fine until the woman has a breakdown and the guy basically dumps her at a hospital and she never sees him again and then it's like she's sort of damaged forever. Not crazy about the ending but everything unit then tapped into this part of me that at 16 had no name and no outlet. I was so turned on by what this woman wrote. She was a complete submissive and I had never encountered those ideas or that way of living. It felt like it opened up a whole new world for me. A world I sometimes feel like I am still trying integrate into my own. A world that still amazes and fascinates me.

Clothespins

2009-07-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm in a really weird place, mentally. My car broke down, as divorce drawn nearer, things are getting tenser, I suddenly found myself smack dab in the middle of the questions Ginger recently raised in her post about the fears associated with a partner who is older than you, etc. (and all the comments that followed), when Mr. Wonderful had a procedure last week and didn't tell me until afterwards, plus he has guests in this weekend, so the email/chatting connection has been very limited. Plus I get really bummed when I can't think of a clever title for a post!

I'm just really unsettled and distracted (And I can just hear Todd & Suzy saying "stress relief spanking!" :) )

But since that is not an option, I started thinking about some things that Mr. Wonderful and I have recently discussed that put me in a much more positive state of mind, if I omit the fact that I don't know when/if they'll actually happen! :)

Mr. Wonderful mentioned recently introducing clothespins into our relationship. I read a post on a blog about someone who's Master puts them on her clit. The first thing that came into my head was "OW!" and honestly, I always thought that would be my reaction to the idea of clothespins on my nipples but when Mr. Wonderful suggested it, I was immediately intrigued and aroused. Now, to qualify, my nipples are not overly sensitive. In fact, they almost seem impervious to pain. My nipples are numb a lot of the time and for some reason, if they are kissed and licked gently, the sensation is not at all pleasant. Not sure why. Seemed to start when I was pregnant 9 years ago. Mr. Wonderful, being so wonderful, realized early on in our physical relationship that I got pleasure by his attending to my nipples roughly. He doesn't bite them much, although that would be interesting to see how that feels, mostly rough sucking. Last time we were together, he pinched one and it took a minute or two before I felt anything and as he pinched harder, demanding that I tell him when it hurt, I had to admit that it really didn't. They just aren't that sensitive. Maybe that helped me not freak out at the mention of a clothespin, which I hope will result in sensation of some sort.

We had a discussion about anal sex a while back and I think the general consensus was no. He was worried about hurting me, I wasn't too concerned about the actual act, but the last time I had anal sex what I recall was the week or so it took me to recover and that was in my 20's! Now I'm almost 40 and the prospect just didn't jump out at me. So we agreed and were both good with that. But the idea has shifted in my mind and I've mentioned to him that I would like to try it. I got some advice from a friend on different methods that can be helpful and it feels like something that will help me tap into a truly submissive part of myself. It intrigues me how something foreign in the anus, whatever it may be, for some people signifies the ultimate violation, for some it signifies the ultimate act of submission, for some, heck, it just means it's Tuesday! But this trust I have in Mr. Wonderful, and I'm realizing each day it's less about trusting him with my body and more about trusting him with my heart and my emotions, allows me to feel comfortable doing these things. He seems to love the fact that there is nothing he can mention doing to my body that I'll say no to and that I ask him to do things he probably never would have considered.

I told him early on that anything in my mouth, except his body parts, was a deal breaker but even that is changing. If he told me to, if he desired something in my mouth, I know it's what I would do, trusting him 100% to make sure I was safe, to talk me through it, to protect me. He loves me like no one ever has and that's scary. But scary in a way that I cling to. I feel very needy at times and I work really hard to hide that, because it's not something that is going to facilitate much of anything positive within the dynamics of our relationship, but it's there, the fear, the panic, the desperate need to hold him and cling to him. I have to acknowledge it and make sure it doesn't become a liability and it's probably the only thing I feel like I can't talk to him about. Um, my positive post is quickly becoming a downer. But it feels good to get it all out. Maybe that's why God invented blogs... :)

Exhaustion

2009-06-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

Most of my childhood, all I ever wanted to do was stay up later. My mother would sometimes let us stay up on Friday nights when we begged her to let us watch "The Midnight Special". (Showing my age!) We rarely made it past 10:30! The whole point of being a grown up is that you are allowed to stay up as late as you want, right? Right now, I am going through a phase of being exhausted...a lot! And it's not all physical exhaustion, although working 2 jobs, 1 of which I have to wake up at 4:15 am for, is certainly no walk in the park. And there's my 12 step program, stuff at church, which I haven't been attending as much as I should oh and there's that person I gave birth to 8 1/2 years ago and ALL her activities. So yes, time wise, duty wise, I am very busy and generally am trying to do all this on about 5 hours of sleep, which both B. (my 12 step sponsor) and Mr. Wonderful (my body servant (HAHA) ) have informed me is NOT enough. And they are right.
But I'm also exhausted emotionally. I'm ending a marriage and no matter how badly I want to end it (and please believe me, I WANT TO END IT!!!), it's going to take a toll emotionally. There are money issues, there is the fact that I am still living w/ my ex for no more than the next 8 weeks. There are the issues with Mr. Wonderful. Okay 1 issue with Mr. Wonderful and that is sadness when we leave each other. B. says it's a completely natural emotion to feel and I know I need to learn to deal with it without using. I need to acknowledge my feelings, I need to accept them. I am proud that I don't dwell on these feelings when we are together. I'm glad I don't ruin the time we have by going over and over again in my mind how fate (my word not his) brought us together to have this perfect relationship surrounded by imperfect circumstances. And it's not like I'm hysterically sobbing and having a break down whenever we part, it's just this tiny sadness that doesn't really go away. But it keeps the tiny sadness about my marriage company in my heart, and that's okay. The big picture, I guess, is that I'm no good to anyone if I'm not healthy. Or as Master mentioned to S. today in an email "How long does it take to take a vitamin?" And they are all right. But taking care of myself is also another thing I have to do alone and again that makes me sad. I read all these wonderful blogs about these women whose partners are helping them to stay healthy, even going so far as punishing them when they don't. And I know he worries about me and I know he loves me, but there's only so much time.
Mr. Wonderful wants to talk a little about when I'm single. I'm scared. I don't want to talk about it. I want to be happy now, I want to kiss him and fuck his brains out. I want him to smile at me and pull my hair and spank me and tell me he loves me. I want to pretend for awhile longer. At least until I've had a chance to rest...

Communities

2009-06-28T12:16:00.001-07:00

This weekend, Mr. Wonderful signed up for a conference of sorts, where people were getting together to discuss the end of the world as it relates to the Bible, etc. He said he was doing it for research for a book. He was kind enough to get me a room where they were having the conference. So throughout the weekend, I was able to mock him with my bruise, which no longer hurts but is getting more gruesome by the day. I need to stop teasing him before I "tease" myself out of any discipline EVER AGAIN! But this morning, before he returned to the room, I went down to the lobby and stood in line for a free omelet the hotel offered to guests. And I started looking around at the people who were there, most of them from this conference. The main core of the conference seemed to be Jewish (and Mr. Wonderful said there was a significant portion of 1 lecture that discussed how Jesus Christ was not the Messiah, in keeping with Jewish beliefs, etc.), but the conference goers had a wide array of looks to them. There were people who observed the Jewish tradition of wearing the small tassels (Tzitzit) attached to their clothes and some were dressed very modern but still had the tassels. There were women with their heads covered and families where every female member had on a floor length skirt. There were women in jeans and shorts and there were men with long beards and some wore yarmulke. There were clean shaven men with no tassels and naked heads. But they were all there for a common purpose. They all had a common interest. Together, there in that hotel, they created a community.
It immediately made me start thinking of the conventions I go to about twice a year for my 12 step program. People with different forms of my disease, people with different approaches and attitudes, but we share 1 big thing in common and that is our disease. That's a lot to have in common. And having never really been a part of a community before, it makes me feel safe and it makes me feel a part of something bigger than myself. So that led me into thinking of the accounts I've read of the spanking conventions, especially from Todd & Suzy and Ginger. Listening to their stories of seeing (and being spanked by!) people they get to see once or twice a year, the way they describe the happiness and fun that is had, and the fact that these people from all over the country, from all different walks of life again share 1 common thing. Spanking. The entire weekend is just making me appreciate a sense of community whenever I see it. What is the point of life? Mr. Wonderful likes to present these existential conundrums in regular conversation and I think they are starting to get to me!:)
But lately I'm wondering if maybe it's just finding something that makes you feel not so alone. The thing I love most about my 12 step program is how much a part of a community I feel.
I don't know that reading the different blogs on discipline and fetishes is the same as actually interacting with people from the spanking community in person, but in a different way, it does make me feel just a little bit like I'm a part of a community. Dropping someone the occasional email, commenting on a blog post, asking advice from someone 1000 miles away I've never met but whom I feel like I know because I've been reading about their life. It all makes me feel a little less ...alone.
Mr. Wonderful asked if I was planning on attending any spanking or discipline conventions and I said no, unless they hold one three blocks from my house and they have some sort of scholarship program, because truthfully, I would love to meet some of my friends I've made in the past couple months and hug and laugh and discuss common interests and hey, if I get a spanking or two in the process, well I can't really argue with that!

Look what I got! :)

2009-06-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

Okay so where to begin? This is my first bruise! So freaking amazing! Mr. Wonderful? A bit horrified, I believe but I am doing my best to talk him through it. I did not go out intentionally looking for a bruise, let me assure you, but I love it!
Just to give a little background, the day before Mistress dominated Matt last weekend, Master Matt dominated S., or God love him, he tried. Mr. Wonderful spent a lot of time beating up on himself after that, saying he fizzled. Basically, he felt that 1/2 way through our first session, his true self got distracted by a strong desire to have sex, so the discipline fell by the wayside. I tried to explain that he had not fizzled and what replaced the discipline that day was by no means anything that could even remotely be put in the consolation prize category. It was hot and sexy and intimate and I loved it. But it bothered him, I think, that I hadn't gotten the punishment he felt I desired.
So flash ahead to two days ago. The lady I love more than just about anyone was out of town, asked me to let her cat in, check her mail and have as much sex as I wanted with Mr. Wonderful in her house. (She's just that cool and even offered me her bed!)
I must mention that Mr. Wonderful is a great talker. That's something I love about him. I always thought I was a chatterbox, but around him I find myself more quiet, content to listen and be. I say this because when we got to the house, he had promised that Master Matt was going to be taking over, as soon as we walked in the door and he did. I was immediately powerless. He began by ordering me to pour us some wine. He got a full glass and I was allowed 1/4 of a glass and could only drink when he ordered me to. We sat in B's family room and Master Matt talked to S. for 2 hours. For 2 hours. I was on an ottoman, he was opposite me on a couch. He was firm, he was no nonsense, he was in command. He was amazing. He asked me questions, about beauty, about my body, about some actions that some of the alters had recently taken that unfortunately S. had to pay for. One of the main questions I got was "You have no idea how beautiful you look sitting there, do you?" or "You have no idea how erotic you are, do you?"
And when my truthful answer "No Master" came, it seemed to annoy him.
He & I are both a little paranoid about marks on places people can see. We had discussed it and while I was all for the idea of his slapping my face, the concern still lingers due to work and the fact that I still live with my ex. But one of the first things he did was stand up and walk to me, he grabbed a handful of my hair, pulled it back and slapped my face. The pressure, the pain, was perfect. It hurt, it woke me up, but it didn't leave a mark. I love him so much.
Then he sat back down and continued talking. But again, he seemed bothered by the fact that I have issues with acknowledging my own body. I was a heavy child, I grew up into a heavy adult. I am a food addict. I don't say that with a wink, like "Oh, I have a sweet tooth!" I have a disease, every bit as much as an alcoholic does and I am in a 12 step program for it. I am currently maintaining a 50 pound weight loss, but in my mind I am fat and I will never be beautiful. I feel a little more confident in the areas of personality and intelligence, I feel beautiful inside, but my looks? I can't say much. But he can and he does. So between the talking, I had to stand up, I had to pull up my skirt, eventually I had to remove my panties and my thigh highs and I had to turn around and let him observe me. He would compliment my legs and my ass, right before he started hitting them with his hand. Now he has slapped my ass before, sometimes pretty hard, and I would get a tingle and it would quickly dissipate. This was more blows, harder, definitely faster and it felt almost like he was back handing me. I don't know if he was or not and I wasn't about to ask, because I was terrified. Terrified that if I broke from my sub role, that he would get paranoid about "hurting me" and stop. Master Matt orders S., every time they are together, to say the safety word out loud before they start and I do. But he was on a roll that day. And he really liked me turning around so he could look at my ass and compliment it and then beat it some more. The only time I almost laughed was when he told me "Turn around" like 10 times in 20 seconds. I think the wine was getting to both of us but suddenly the hokey pokey theme sprung into my head but I focused and got through it.
We have a few light paddles, we have the rubber riding crop and I think we still have the unused as yet spatula. They all remained in the bag because Master Matt, for the first time in the almost 5 months I've known him, wore a belt. Now I had mentioned a belt once and apparently he took it to heart, but I guess in my mind, I was thinking we'd work our way up to it. Apparently not.
Eventually, after the talking had mostly ceased, I had to bend over the ottoman. He was still talking some, but I could hear him take the belt off. I was nervous and excited and scared some. And then he started.
My first REAL punishment and WOW is about all I can say. I don't think he doubled the belt and I can't say for sure if it would have made a difference but that belt was really intense. The first few times it hit, it was like it almost didn't register right away. It felt light, almost like it was dancing on my skin and the horrific burning came like 2 seconds later. And maybe I was expecting him to hit me once or twice, stop and lecture more, hit me some more...I'm not 100% what I was expecting, but he just kept going. All I could think was "I WILL NOT use my safety word! I don't care what he does!" because the thing is, the safety word felt like it wasn't going to just stop his action, to me it felt like it was going to snap him back into Mr. Wonderful mode and that was the last thing I wanted at that moment. Plus, this discipline is what I said I wanted. This is what I had been looking for for almost 40 years! I was NOT going to let this go. If I hated it, I could reassess but not until he said the discipline was done. He went on to bend me over the kitchen island and reapply the belt, and holy crap, I almost forgot why I wanted to do this, that thing REALLY stung. But again, I bit my tongue because I wanted this. And I really think he did too.
Reality did eventually break the spell, because it was afternoon and the room we were in had windows everywhere so he suddenly caught sight of all these welts on my skin and said we were stopping. I was a little relieved. I was a little disappointed. I felt so much love for him at that moment it made me want to cry.
I'm not sure about his aim. It felt like the belt was hitting my entire ass in different places, but the soreness and the bruising was on the outer side of my ass, almost closer to my thigh. Weird. But the soreness was there. I felt it the next day. And the next. This is what I wanted. Now I've had it. Not sure about the belt, but that's not my decision. And I LOVE that it's not my decision. I just know I want more of Master. More lecturing, more slapping my face, more punishment, more everything. When I'm dominating, I feel powerful and sexy. When I'm submitting, I feel cared for and appreciated. Even though these things are all in the "fantasy realm" for us, the feelings they evoke are still very real for me.
He wanted a critique of how he did. All I said was it was all wonderful. Maybe he wants more specifics, but I don't really want to get into that. It feels like telling him "This was good, that not so great" almost undermines his dominance. I love that we communicate so well, but I really don't want to Top from the Bottom and the more I let him truly, truly take control, the more I can forget. Forget that my submission is just part of a fantasy, forget that in reality things that are very hard to accept hit us in the face every day. Forgetting and just letter Master do as he wishes to my body, getting what I've wanted for my entire life with someone I love and completely 100% trust, letting go of everything for a few wonderful hours, those are the true fantasies I'm trying to indulge.

Hi Quality Domination at a Reasonable Cost

2009-06-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

So it was Sunday. We had gotten a room Saturday and spent a few wonderful, glorious hours in it and then realized we were both free to return on Sunday! This NEVER happens!!!! And I knew exactly how I wanted to spend some of that time. Dominating Mr. Wonderful. When he knocked on the door, I was waiting, sitting in a chair, acting aloof and bored. I was in a black bra and panties, black heels and (what I knew would be the kicker for him) black fishnet thigh highs he asked me to buy but had never seen me wear. My legs were crossed, my hair was pulled back, even I had to admit, I did not look too shabby. When he came in, he just looked at me a moment. I found it very easy to stay in character and I ordered him to take a shower. He took off his clothes and went into the bathroom, after a meek "Yes Mistress." When he came out, he was told to get on the bed. Then he was given a sleep mask and told to put it on.

**I am going to stop for a moment with a quick side note...I think I'm going to write a book called "Dominating on a budget", because as a soon to be single mother, I must admit that I have to be frugal about the things I buy period, much less for having crazy sex in a motel room, which he is always kind enough to pay for. (The room! Not the sex!)
So what I had that day to play with was a pink leopard print sleep mask my daughter no longer used, I had the Hannah Montana paddle the ball had broken off of and a regular wooden paddle ball paddle that cost $1.25 maybe, I had a big bunch of feathers attached to a string. This was actuallly a cat toy I had cut the bells off of. I bought it for the cat and the cat never wanted to play with it. It had just been sitting in a box at my house, unused. I had a red replica of a riding crop that was actually made of rubber ($4.95), I had ice and water (free) and except for buying the thigh highs, the only real expense I put out was on the implement to be described below. I think I'm off to a good dominating start at a reasonable price, because what I was really using, it felt like, was my mind and my body to toy with him, to control him, to fuck with his mind before I fucked with his body and let me tell you, that was an amazing rush! Part of it was feeling creative. This was a way to tap into something I don't think I ever had before ***

I talked to him quite a bit. I like to ask him questions, very business like and he answers immediately and is very solicitous which pleases me. I moved around quite a bit, doing different things to create noises I hoped would make him wonder what was going on. He had brought rope and scissors, but I chose not to use them (I'm hoping to come across some discount handcuffs somewhere!). I took my handful of feathers and began to rub them very lightly over his body, all up and down. He seemed tense at first, but this seemed to make him relax somewhat. I began to lick (if I recall correctly) his nipple, very erotically and about the time his body responded, I twisted the other. I don't think he was expecting that, but that combination of pleasure and pain at the same moment is something I enjoy providing, I realized. After allowing some drops of ice water to fall on his balls, I told him to turn over on his stomach. I then spent a great deal of time kissing, nibbling and licking one of his ass cheeks, and then, again waiting for his body to respond, I would bring one of my paddles down on the other when he least expected it. Again I felt the power, I enjoyed the fact that he had no idea what was about to happen at any given moment and if I may clarify, in total, I probably only hit him 6-7 times. I do not sense he's looking for the same levels of pain that I am, so while the smacks seemed to arouse him, I felt like a full blown spanking, continuously hitting him, would probably not. I did make him compare the way each implement felt. I really don't think he was expecting the rubber riding crop and I only used it once, but I was fasicnated by the marks each implement left. Then it was time for my surprise. My one splurge (and it wasn't all that expensive). It was the Micro Orb 2000 (Okay it was just called the Micro Orb, but adding the 2000 makes it sound cooler). It was a small "personal massager" about the size of a wrapped tampon in my opinion or bigger than a bullet. I turned it on and while not penetrating him, I did stick it between his ass cheeks and left it there for awhile. I can't remember what he said was his favorite part but I know he said that was his least favorite part, but if I recall correctly, it was more because it was so strange and different, not painful.
I told him to sit up and take off his mask. I told him that I was going to be going and that someone else would be returning in order to fuck him. (One of my alters...I swear this is all fantasy, we do not have actual psychotic breaks!) :)
I swear, the man was on fire. He was so aroused and to me it just felt like just about the most passionate sex we had ever had (and please believe me...that is saying something!). I think Mr. Wonderful is going to be a wonderful sub and I think his Mistress is going to have a blast figuring out new ways to delight and torture his body, especially upon her next trip to the dollar store!!!

Mulitple Personalities

2009-06-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we have Mr. Wonderful and myself and while I would not say that we are exactly a vanilla couple, the sex we have is I would say nothing too off the wall, really. Mind blowingly amazingly good, but nothing too kinky. He slaps my ass now and then, he pulls my hair from time to time, (okay more often than that) but it's reallly not anything I would classify as "crazy". Then for a period of time we had S. who was pretty much strictly sexual and Matt, the name Mr. Wonderful uses on the internet, and then at some point when I was bringing up the whole idea of discipline, he decided that I was Mandy (naughty school girl) and he was the teacher who needed to reign her in. And that was all fine. Yet sometime in the last month or so, we've shifted. Mandy was sent packing to Florida for summer vacation (she was never punished, technically but she was kind enough to leave her uniform) and S. is now in a fantasy kind of DD situation with Master Matt. Master Matt has rules that S. must obey. She's doing well with some...she's only had 1 diet soda in like two weeks because she must ask his permission and usually Master Matt says no. She is also no longer texting while driving and she is sleeping a little more. She finds herself masturbating less, because that is usually one of the first priviledges revoked, at least until Master Matt can begin punishing her in earnest (this Saturday if all goes well). He has made it very clear how he is not at all pleased with some of her behavior. (She has yet to take any of the vitamins he gave her) He seemed to have a mental block before, he was so nervous about hurting me. I think we've managed to talk through that, but I guess we'll see Saturday. :) Ropes and paddles have been mentioned and the descriptions have been wonderful, so we will see.

So now, somehow, my recent interest in switching (brought on by Angelina Jolie, 2 posts ago) has manifested itself into a third set of alters for me & Mr. W. Shygirl and Matt.

Now in my opinion, Master Matt is a very caring Dominant, concerned with S's well being. While often forced to be stern, he ultimately loves S. and wants what is best for her.

The relationship between Shygirl and Matt is very new, but it is different. Shygirl is a bitch. She is just mean to this guy, at least in the emails so far and so far, Matt is responding very well to this. Shygirl feels very powerful and sexual when she's verbally abusing Matt (so far that's all they've had time for). She's encouraged to go farther and see where it leads.

Honestly, I wonder if I would be so interested in dominating Matt, if Mr. Wonderful and I were in a more traditional relationship. I think I might revert back to my original idea about the dynamics shifting if you switch within a relationship and maybe not for the better. I feel like, if we were a real life couple (I can't think of any other way to phrase it), I would probably take the dominate side of his personality (and I'm not sure how aware of it he's been before) and submit to that on more of a day to day basis. But we don't have the luxury of trying that.

So once again, I am figuring it out and thank the universe everyday for sending me this person so willing to experience everything with me. I feel very lucky.

RIP

2009-06-04T11:42:00.001-07:00

To the coolest guy EVER!!!

Domination, power & a hot girl in leather

2009-06-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

So I happened to be watching TV (happens about once a year!!!) and I came upon Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Angelina Jolie? God, talk about sexy!!!! To clarify, I am not someone who is attracted to people based on gender. I have had relationships with women in the past. Mr. Wonderful seems to enjoy my detailing what I like about certain women. Recently I sent him a picture text of a coworker, taking a picture of a picture she had of herself (and a relative) on her desk. Then I sent a picture of another coworker, asking her "Can I take you pic so it pops up when you call?" So far, both have met with his approval and then we discuss who I would sleep with and what I would do to her. But I digress...

So Angelina is dressed in the outfit above and she is a hired assassin. Her husband Brad Pitt is also, but neither of them know it. And for one of her jobs, she comes disguised as a dominatrix, handcuffs the "mark" who is some kind of arms dealer, and begins to swat him with a riding crop. "Have you been a bad boy?" he said he has and thwack! "What happens to bad boys? They get punished!" thwack! The guy loves it! Then she leans in "Has the bad boy been selling big guns?" (I'm paraphrasing of course) and she snaps his neck. It was really pretty cool! Anyway, besides the smokin' hot chick, I was just fascinated watching her dominate him. It seems really interesting. I don't know how much I have thought about it before, maybe a random fantasy here and there but nothing really until recently. It seems the more I read, the more it becomes clear to me how much is out there. It's just amazing and while I guess I always thought I was strictly a girl who wanted to be spanked, I find that there is more that I may be interested in. As I was telling some friends during a chat, it's whatever feels natural and a lot of it is feeling natural when I think about it. I think Mr. Wonderful is ready to unleash his full "wrath" on my body the next time we are together, which will be 9 days from now. As I've stated previously, waiting is a huge frustration and a huge turn on to me. It is important to me that we stay on point, point being the discipline, the roughness, the stern talking and the wild, crazy sex and that's just about the order I'm looking for. Sometimes, since we aren't together so much, I think the crazy sex overwhelms everything else...and please believe me, I am NOT complaining about any aspect of sex with him...but I want the full experience we've discussed and need to remember that.

A few weeks ago, I blindfolded Mr. W and he lay on the bed and I spent an hour doing things to his body. Mostly pleasurable although he did let me slap his inner thigh and his ass a couple times and it turns out I can abuse his nipples as much as I want. :) Had no restraints but he was a very good boy about laying still and I also teased him with parts of my body, giving them to him to touch or suck or lick and then pulling away. I drank probably 100 oz. of water in an hour, because I just kept circling him, enticing him, teasing him, making him moan in ecstasy and then taking it all away so he would get just this side of frustrated. It felt wonderful. It felt like I had power. I enjoyed it. I think I posted on Todd & Suzy's blog that I would probably not switch with Mr. W, because it might change the dynamics of our relationship, but I may be rethinking that position. I liked the power as much as I like the helplessness. I'm not sure it would work in a traditional DD relationship, but we're not traditional. In the end, I'm open to what is coming, whatever that may be. Maybe more people should view Angelina in leather. It really makes you think...

Your friendly neighborhood sex addict

2009-05-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

I blame Ronald Hargass. I was 12, he was 12. We decided to "go together" and he kissed me. And I immediately wanted more. It became a pattern. I always wanted more. I don't recall Ronald being all that fantastic of a kisser, but the sensation, the feelings, I wanted more. I guess I still do. My 12 step sponsor (and favorite person ever!) tells me that after 4 years of NO sex and several years before that of bad sex, that I am skin deprived. I absolutely agree. The problem is this, there are times Mr. Wonderful wants to talk, he wants to have dinner, it's incredibly sweet and romantic and there are times he even turns down sexual offers because he doesn't want me to think he's using me. He's just so thoughtful and kind. And I want to have sex with him. All the time. Now the man is not completely altruistic, he definitely wants to hook up and makes that very clear, but when he's saying "No let's just be together" and I'm saying "Unzip your fly", I just keep thinking, am I some kind of sex maniac? Then of course, the feminist kicks in, because if he were asking for sex a lot and I was saying "No, let's just be together..." I think most people would find this a very common situation, because that's the stereotypical dynamic, right? Sex crazed male, female wanting more substantial use of time together. And no one would raise an eyebrow about the man's behavior. A very dear, male friend of mine pointed out that no matter how far we've come, slut and whore are still insulting phrases used to judge women, while "Man whore" never really caught on! I guess it's just something I've been wondering about, if all those years of nothing have turned me into someone who may have a problem. Again, do I feel I have a problem because it's a legitimate concern, or is it that I'm a woman and we aren't supposed to "be like that".

So of course, I am seeking answers where everyone goes when they have problems. Google! One site says I show signs consistent with sex addicts, but I'm not quite sure I buy their results, because while some of the questions are absolutely right on the money as far as delving into people's psyche. Have you ever had sex with a minor? (NO!) Is your job or family life being effected by your thoughts of sex? (No), some of them, do you look at porn on the interet? Have you engaged in sadomasochistic behavior? do not seem like they should count against me.

So I guess I won't worry about it too much. And Mr. Wonderful said that he would start taking yes for an answer (haha). But after giving him (teasing) trouble about it, then I start worrying about "Well, does this mean we won't be talking anymore?" Of course it doesn't. We wouldn't let that happen. It's just hot outside, my divorce is kicking into high gear, work is absolutely insane and I'm horny. Not a good combination! So when I have a minute of downtime, what am I going to do except drive myself to distraction with paranoid thoughts? :) Maybe if Ronald Hargass had played hard to get, I wouldn't be in this predicament!

Happy Birthday Todd!!!!

Consequences of faking

2009-05-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

Okay so I can't stay on long because I've been instructed to get some sleep, but I don't have to get up at 4:15 am for job #1 tomorrow, so I'm not worried about being up a little late. I admitted to Mr. Wonderful today that in 15 weeks (today! Happy Anniversary!) I had faked 1 orgasm. My sexual alter ego admitted it to his alter while chatting on line and while she (I) had a very good reason, his alter (he) was not very happy about it. I've been reprimanded and threatened :) and also told to write a critique of the last time we were together and the discipline he administered. Yes, it happened. YAY!!!! It actually went pretty well. He smacked my ass with his hand during sex, which he usually does and then he just used the small, wooden paddle ball paddle. I was laying flat on my stomach on the bed. It packed a little sting, which was a pretty good rush and he talked a little rough which was great. When it was all said and done he seemed to worry that he had hurt me and asked me several times today if I was sore. Not even close to sore. I'm not sure I even got sore. So I guess that's my critique. Harder, more often and more of the talking. He calls me names which is absolutely fine. I've never had a problem with being called a bitch or a whore during sex. But when he's talking in a really stern voice tone, and he sounds upset and he's threatening me with more punishment, WOW!!!! He asked me pretty nicely (yawn! HAHA) to not masturbate before we were together yesterday. And I didn't. I just pretended he had ordered me not to. But today, I asked him if I could again he said no because I was in trouble. Then he relented and allowed me to do it once and then I have to ask his permission before I can do it again. Once more with feeling...YAY!!!! I saved the chat to my email just to read the words about how disappointed he was and how maybe I needed to be paddled harder next time. (Woo Hoo!!!)

He's actually pleased that I care enough to fake it so he won't be late back to work (my excuse), but again, I just feel really lucky that he's willing to do all these things with me. I think he's getting good at them too! It may not be a way of life for us, but Mr. Wonderful won't be a way of life for me, not permanently, so I just look at the present, hold onto what I can, keep focusing on how happy I am, and enjoy everything as it cums. :)

T.

2009-05-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

His name was T. He was a really nice guy and he had this big 3 story house. At some point, due to my own volatile relationship with my mother, most likely, I moved into his house. I was probably 18 at the time. He also had this young couple who hated each other but they had 2 kids and also lived there. But we were all pretty happy though. Sort of like a frat house for social rejects! :)
But then the young couple took their kids and moved back to NY and so it was just Tom and I. We rarely saw each other. He worked nights, I worked days. We were buddies. He really was a nice guy. Then 1 night, we were home together and we were drinking and we ended up in bed together. I remember very little about that night, except that he was the first person who ever smacked my ass in a sexual context. That I remember. He did it a few times, hard enough to feel it and I loved it. I want to say he pulled my hair also, but I can't be sure. We never really talked about it, never really had sex again. Shortly afterwards I moved out to start college and I haven't seen him since. I smile when I think about him though. Considering that in the 21 years since I've found 1 person willing to engage with me in this and that's just been in the last 3 months, of course I'm going to fondly hold onto the ONLY memory I have. But I thank him...wherever he is...

Finally...sort of...

2009-05-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it is not Mr. Wonderful's fault. It is my fault. 100%. We had about 3 hours and I thought we could split the time between the sexual alter and the slutty school girl desperatly in need of a spanking. Well, the sexual alter got "creative" and then things took a lot longer than we anticipated, until basically there was no time for the slutty school girl (whom we've dubbed Mandy) and therefore, no time for a spanking. :( But actually, I made the decision that sexual alter go first, so I really have no one but myself to blame. And Mr. Wonderful? He brought a yard stick!!!! Didn't get a chance to use it and I'm sorry, but regardless of how this goes down, the fact that he is on board and willing to play along and just think up something like that, is just the absolute coolest thing ever. He really is...well wonderful. And proved it a million different ways today alone! So not complaining about Mandy getting short changed. Believe me! But I'll admit, I had been looking forward to it.
Funny digression here: My daughter asked for a Hannah Montana Paddle Ball for Christmas and Santa brought it. Now, as is typical, she played with it for about a week and then it was suddenly gone, never to be seen again. However, 3 nights ago, it actually turned up in our basement. She was so excited, however within about 5 minutes, her dad had acidentally broken off the ball. So excitement turned to heartbreak and devestation, as she fled the room in tears, he followed her apologizing and I picked up the paddle, observing, "Hmmm...this isn't wooden...it's plastic..." :)
So anyway, as I made my way home today, very sexually satisfied, very content, very happy, it suddenly occured to me. I was married for 13 years! If there is one thing I know how to do, it's be self sufficient!
So I went to my empty house, with my spatula and wooden paddle in hand and proceeded to just take care of business myself. Now was it the same? Of course not, but you know, for a first time, it wasn't bad. I was always curious about the self spankings I've read about and wondered if it was like trying to bite myself so I could cry and get my brother in trouble when I was little. Never worked. I could never seem to bite myself hard enough. This worked out okay. Yes, Hannah paddle got in on the action too.
So the results? Some discomfort throughout, slight twinging after effects, and a good deal of redness, although I've noticed it is quickly dissipating and yes, I would say I am a little sore. Now of course, when there is someone I love dearly (ahem!) on the delivering end, I'm sure things will be much different, but I think this is a good start.
I am not quite ready to post a picture of my red ass on the internet, but if anyone wants to see it, shoot me an email and I'll be happy to send it along! :)
BTW, big hug to D. Skirt turned out wonderful AND she used the extra material to make little hair bows for my pig tails. You rock!

Kinky Shopping with D.

2009-05-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I had until Thursday to procure a Catholic school girl outfit and whatever implements I want (hope) Mr. Wonderful will use on me and there was only 1 person I knew to call. D.
D and I have been friends for 21 years. She is roughly 13 years older than I and life has gotten in the way of us being in contact like we were, but I love her dearly and today when she said I was one of the only people she knew as kinky as she was, it made me feel wonderful. It helped me remember who I used to be and the parts of that person I want back.
So after lunch and catching up, we set out, arriving at an adult store. Inside were racks of clothing and they did have a Catholic uniform that would have fit me. D. said it looked adorable. It also cost $50 and sorry, fairly soon to be divorced single mom couldn't do it. The lady even gave me a 15% off coupon when I purchased a greeting card and a leather paddle key chain for D. but I still just couldn't. I hadn't given up on goodwill yet! :) Also, all the spanking implements were leather and I was really looking for a moderate wooden paddle, not very thick, but sturdy. They had 1 wooden paddle, but it was a novelty where you have everyone sign it on someone's birthday. So D. borrowed their phone book and I called a Catholic store about 15 miles away and they said they were open until 5. Off we went again!
We had decided, as we walked in, that if they asked, I had a daughter who was my size and that's why we needed the skirt and why I needed to try it on. As we approached though, D. wondered if they would ask which school my "daughter" went to because each school has specifications you have to adhere to. As we opened the door, I said "Okay, I'm going to a costume party and I need the skirt." and we agreed that was the story we were sticking to.
They had racks of skirts, all $40-$50 and I was starting to get concerned. Then D. spotted the clearance rack. A skirt...in my size...$5.00. I realized that even though it said it was my size, it wasn't going to fit. D. agreed to put some elastic in it for me and shorten it. She's really wonderful. So we snatched it up. Eventually, while waiting for the small, demur looking lady to check us out, we grabbed the other skirt for $5.00 and I got that for D. She said she was going to tease her husband about the "twin schoolgirls" and give him a thrill.
"So what are the skirts for?" the lady inquired sweetly.
"We're going to a costume party..." I said, steadily.
"Oh yes...you'd be surprised how many people we get in here buying skirts for things like that..."
I just nodded and pressed my lips together. No lady, I think you'd be surprised...
Off we went to Walmart for white thigh highs, elastic for altering the skirts and matching white t-shirts D. said we could just cut down the middle and tie between our boobs (sort of a Britney "Hit me baby one more time!" (ironic!) look!)
So, having dubbed ourselves the "naughty Bobsy twins" and after a big hug and a promise to dress up and play with she and her husband, I was headed home. I ran by Walmart for some soap when it suddenly occured to me. Kitchen utensils. How many times in the past 2 weeks have I read about the use of kitchen utensils. So I went to the utensil aisle and buying something like that is harder (haha) that I imagined. I'm trying to smack it against my hand nonchalantly, but I did get 1 look. I ended up with this:

Okay it's heat resistant! It says it right on the label. I think it's nylon, actually. A good start or a huge mistake? I hope to get comments letting me know. So now I have at least 1 thing to try with. Getting closer to home, I remember D. saying to just pick up a paddle ball toy the kids play with. Those strike me (Man! I got a million of them!) as flimsy (D. had a "spank me" paddle presented and used on her for a birthday and it sounds like it broke before the party was even over) but again, it is Mr. Wonderful's first time, so maybe it would be appropriate...

So I stopped at a local drug store to survey what they had since Walmart didn't have any. I found a good old fashioned paddle ball right there in the toy aisle...

"Well hello!!!"
I turned around and of course...OF COURSE!!!! Hello to you too my 8 year old daughter's church choir director!!!! Suddenly, I'm in the middle of an episode of Three's Company!!!!
"How are you?"I smiled.
"What are you buying?" she asked.
"Oh...a friend...her son is having a birthday party...just something for his gift..." I smiled, holding up:

"Oh how fun! What a nice gift!" she smiled. "Well see you in church!" and she was off. I shook my head and had just decided to buy 2 paddle balls in case one broke when...
"Well, the checker said the latex gloves were over here!" she said, coming back around the corner. "So when is the party?"
Oh dear mother of GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I finally got home, SO FAR without anything being discovered. I'm going to D's house Thursday morning to pick up my altered skirt before I meet Mr. Wonderful and I think I'll see what that spatula feels like when I use it. My guess is not quite the same, but maybe I can get a sense. Worst case scenario, we kick it old school and I give him a hair brush.
Thanks D! I love you!!!!!

What would my mother say?!?!?!??!

2009-05-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

No, this is not my mother, but the finger and the judgemental look definitely could be. In the past, my mother has always always tried to pawn her things off on me. Her house is piled high with every conceivable useless piece of crap on the face of the planet. And some things that aren't useless, but she's always trying to transfer it from her house to my house. And the exchanges almost always go like this:

"You should use this in the living room...it would look nice!"

I shrug and respond, "Ask M." (M is my ex)

And my mother huffs and puffs..."Well it's YOUR house too! Or aren't you entitled to an opinion!?!?!?" It's a valid question, I guess. But my mother is coming at it as someone who was barely married 7 years and has been divorced for 34 years. Yes 34 years. She has lived the majority of her life, answering to no one, the ultimate feminist and happy that way, it seems. So good for her. The other point is that she LOVES to argue! LOVES IT!!!! And I don't. Most of the time I would defer to M., because I truly had no opinion and he was better at decorating than I. So why would I start a fight for no other reason that starting a fight? Why would I debate for something, when I honestly couldn't care less? Hang this picture in the hall or don't. It doesn't matter. If I had an opinion, I would express it, in a kind manner, but a lot of the times, I just didn't care. My brother has been married for a year to a girl he has been dating for 9 years. My mother accuses him of losing his backbone. My brother and sister in law agree on almost everything and are blissfully happy, but whenever my brother agrees with his wife, my mother just sniffs and says, "He never felt that way BEFORE he met her!" when in reality, if he didn't, it sounds like he listened and changed his opinion. But to my mother, you fight for your opinion and if you agree, you fight anyway! You stand up for yourself, whether someone is beating you down or not! You lay down the law to whomever is in earshot. Gee, wonder why she's been single this long?
So what would she think if she knew I was toying with the idea of being a sub? WOW!!! Talk about a scary thought!!!! Well, I think since she practically has a stroke at the slightest sign of me being solicitous of anyone, even if it's done out of kindness, respect and common human courtesy, my guess is she wouldn't be happy. As a result of having a serious food addiction, I currently do not eat meat or sugar or any kind. I also eat very little wheat. 3 years after I started my 12 step program, I still can't get her to understand why I don't eat these things. I've lost 50 pounds, I'm not bingeing, I'm not eating out of the trash can, I'm not stealing food, I'm not hiding food, I'm not filled with shame and depression anymore. "But...why do you have to stop eating these things all together?" ...Um...for all the reasons I've just listed!

And when I serve a very hearty, satisfying lunch, plenty for everyone, but no meat...seriously, you would have thought I took her out on the front lawn and announced we will be "grazing" for lunch!
So tell her that I want to be dominated? Tell her how I get off on spankings and pain? Tell her how I may want to be in a DD relationship some day? Yeah...think I'll pass on the true confessions for now...

Do any of my new friends in DD relationships have parents who know about your situation?

He's Back...For Now...

2009-05-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

Mr. Wonderful has returned from the Far North (is that even what it's called!) but has to leave tomorrow. BZ guy with a lot of responsbilities. He feels bad, but I understand. We did manage to eek out about 30 minutes tonight which was wonderful Necking like teenagers and got my hair pulled a lot. While we keep each other in a constant state of arousal, and I am always trying to push the envelope a bit, we were in a (semi) public place and he has this thing about NOT getting arrested! Party pooper! :) Anyway, we also were able to talk and he was able to mention some things he plans on doing to me next week when we can be together. He mentioned some very nice things, including slapping my ass, which is always fun and a definite turn on. Just hope he hasn't forgotten that he promised to give the "naughty" alter a good, hard straight spanking...not just a few smacks during sex. I guess we'll see. He said I looked tired and he worries about me. I love that he's concerned and cares, but I think he worries a little too much sometimes, so I don't always tell him what's going on with me. No need to worry him about the fact that I'm exhausted. That two jobs and the kid and the 12 step program and the housework and church and everything else conspires to let me have roughly 4-41/2 hours of sleep a night. Now, obviously, I could be sleeping if I weren't typing is what may spring to people's minds (and I am wrapping it up!). I just don't want him to think that he's part of the problem when these days he's 100% the solution. He's about the only truly joyful thing in my life, outside of my child. He is the reason I'm smiling again and the reason I feel happy and pretty and content. I'm not used to having anyone worry...at all! So it's nice that he does. He told me to get 6 hours of sleep. I told him I'd try. He said "Promise?" I smiled at him, "Well I promise to try..." Shame he didn't order me...sternly. That would have been really awesome. Yesterday we were discussing something and I said "We can talk about something else..."
"Well, we're going to finish this particular conversation first..." was the response, with just that small bit of control creeping in.

The main issue is that when it's just me, not my sex slave alter or my naughty school girl alter, he seems hesitant to be really firm or take control. I've dropped enough hints and made enough comments, that it would seem like he would. But actually things are going really, really well. I am NOT complaining!

Craigslist Update: More responses from men, offering to spank my naughty alter who put an ad on craigslist. However, one of her "transgressions" was smoking and one guy has said that after the spanking, he'll be clamping a lit cigarette to her nipple. Uh...okay dude...OW!!!

Craigslist

2009-05-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

I think Mr. Wonderful and I have a soft spot in our hearts for craigslist. After all, that's how we met. And since then, we've occasionally placed other ads, hoping the other would "find us". It's amusing and we have a good time with it. And today I learned that if you ever want 20 emails in your inbox within 15 minutes, just post an ad about what a naughty girl you are and how you'll be waiting for your punishment...in pig tails and your Catholic School Uniform. Seriously, they just come out of the woodword!!!!! :)

Mr. Wonderful returns from Canada tomorrow. Excited doesn't even BEGIN to cover it. And he loved the fantasy so yay!

In fact, today he scolded me over the phone while I sat in my car, in my garage (I guess he changed his mind about the garage and phone sex). But at least I was able to seal the deal on my own. My hopes are that tomorrow, although time and space will be limited, we can connect before he leaves again on Friday. Next week, though...all bets are off. If he does half the things he says he's going to do, I should be 1 very happy (and sore) girl. He talks about it in the context of fantasy and that's cool. It hurts my heart, how much he means to me...for a lot of reasons and on a lot of levels. I try to let him take the lead and not be overly agressive but it will be difficult, having not touched him in...WOW! a week! We'll see where this leads...

BTW, if anyone in St. Louis is looking for someone to spank them, I've got the email addresses of 20 guys ready, willing and able...

Nervous!!!!

2009-05-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

Three weeks into our email only relationship, I sent Mr. Wonderful a fantasy. Prior to that, we had sent each other dozens of fantasies. (In the three months we've been together we've exchanged 1600 emails). These fantasies were all pretty explicit and sexual. However, this one, three weeks in, made me nervous when I sent it, because it was a spanking fantasy. A fantasy I had had since I was probably 20. A fantasy I had never shared with anyone. At this point, I was still pretty certain I would not be meeting Mr. Wonderful, that ours would be a strictly erotic penpal relationship, so while that certainly made it easier, I was still nervous. To me, it's something very intimate and hard to share. Now why would a spanking fantasy be harder to share than a straight sex fantasy? I think because everyone has sex. (Okay, not me when I was married...but you know what I mean...) but not everyone engages in discipline and/or spanking. And as I've mentioned, it's hard to guage how someone is going to react to it. So I hit send and immediately got nervous. I threw in some sex at the end of it, just for good measure, but 95% of the fantasy was spanking.
He wrote he really enjoyed the fantasy. He wrote that if we ever met, while he would never hurt me, he would make my bottom red. (Ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!!!) That may have been the moment I realized that meeting him would not be a mistake. That whatever he was or wasn't into, he wasn't judging me.
So why should I be nervous that today I sent him a long fantasy (real sex and phone sex has very much impeded upon our written fantasy life and I wanted to change that!). The first part of the fantasy was just sexual, things I knew he liked. Then the last half was a domestic discipline fantasy. (Basically, in general post-coital conversation, the woman aka me reveals a transgression and the man deals with it quickly and effectively). I know this man now. I know what he will do to me and for me. And it's great. But I was still nervous to send it and then once I sent it, I was still nervous most of the day. What is he thinking about it? And plus, since he's out of the country, I won't know what he thinks until he has access to his email or I talk to him later. Again, I know he has said he won't mind spanking me, but the discussions and what little we've engaged in has been fantasy role playing erotic stuff. This was straight up DD. What does he think about that? We've certainly never discussed it. Is that something I want to explore? I still don't know. If I did, would he be into it? Anyone gathering that I tend to overthink things sometimes?
In the end, I hit send, because I trust him. If I'm never in a DD relationship with him, I at least trust that he doesn't judge me. He's one of the first people in my life who hasn't and that feels wonderful. So I'll try to stop worrying and just enjoy whatever comes next. If nothing else, I've got a cool fantasy to refer back to next time I'm lonely! :)

Because I said so...

2009-05-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Mr. Wonderful is in Canada until Thursday and he was out of the state this past weekend. I am basically 1 BIG hormone walking around, wondering when my washing machine is going to hit the spin cycle! :) Had a pap smear and breast exam with a new doc and let me tell you...it was the most action I've gotten in a week! But I digress...Mr. Wonderful has an alter ego...it's basically his name he used on line when we met (a wonderful new friend asked if the craigslist story was true and yes, it is). I have 2 alters. 1 is devoted strictly to sex, ready to fuck him whenever and do whatever he wants and the other is a naughty girl (a "tart" he calls her) who doesn't want to have sex, but only wants to be punished for her various misdeeds. His alter ego seems to be enjoying both of mine, although honestly, he hasn't had a chance to get with the tart in person. She keeps emailing him all the things she is doing wrong, practically begging for a spanking, but so far no one's schedule has permitted him to take her in hand and teach her the lesson she desperately needs. :( Sigh...hopefully soon though.
And then there is me. I think he likes the distinction of these three personalities (and it is just fantasy, we don't have a Sybill thing going!), but honestly they aren't that far removed from 1 another. I want to fuck him raw and I want him to dominate and discipline me. His alter is way cool and so far has been game for whatever. The real him is very sweet and very caring and absolutely wonderful. And the thing is, he's kind of on me about things I can do to improve myself, but it is so far removed from my marriage, which was all about "You need to change these things, because basically you are a piece of shit" whereas this is about "You are absolutely wonderful and these things can enhance your life..." and I love that about him.
Honestly, I love it when he takes control as the real him. It's much gentler and kinder than his alter (and please don't think ANYONE is complaining about the rough alter!) and sometimes he worries he's "too bossy" and maybe I haven't explained clearly enough to him that I like it when he's bossy, because it is backed up by such honest caring for my well being.
I emailed him that while I love his alter taking complete control, I also really like being solicitous of Mr. Wonderful. It makes me feel safe and I think I'm starting to realize why. My ex couldn't handle crisis or emergencies. He fell apart. And while I wasn't expecting him to handle everything, I was looking for a partner. Someone who could handle something, sometimes. Someone I could lean on occasionally and who could lean on me. I never thought marriage would be hearts and flowers and romance...I thought it would be a partnership of people helping each other deal with life and creating a buffer against the world. And all I got was someone who didn't like me very much and spent 13 years making sure I knew I wasn't good enough and on top of that, he couldn't take the stress of an incorrectly ordered pizza, much less a sick child or a true trauma!!!
Mr. Wonderful and I are not really partners in the traditional sense of the word and I accept that. My issues and challenges in life are still going to be my own and more so when I become a truly single mother. I made my choices and I accept that. But he does seem to appreciate who I am and he does want me to reach for more and grow and that is wonderful.
I think part of it is leaning, however I can, on someone because I'm just exhausted. Exhausted from trying to do it all alone. And here is someone who wants to take care of me and while there are limitations on how and when and what we can do, there is no limitation on his caring.
Believe it or not, all this soul searching and personal reflection came from 4 words. He's in Canada, I'm driving home, speaking to him for only the 2nd time in probably 4 days, loving the sounds of his voice, bringing up the topic of phone sex. He wanted to know if I could do that later in the evening after I was home.
I told him I could, but because my daughter would be home, I could have phone sex sitting in my car in the garage of my house while she watched TV.
"No sweetie, you're not having phone sex sitting in your car in the garage..."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I said so..."
Wow! Those 4 words. He wasn't mean about it, he didn't sound annoyed, just firm. Very firm and the matter had been decided. I almost had an orgasm on Highway 270, going 70 miles an hour!
I quickly said okay and the topic changed. (I did get him to agree to let me talk dirty to him as I drove and he jacked off in his Canadian hotel room, so hey, not all was lost!) :)
Shortly after we met, he asked me to meet him at a bookstore. When I got there, he announced we would not be touching each other. Just looking at books and discussing books. He asked if that was okay. I asked if I had a choice. He said no and that was that. God, it was so hot!
All our "alters" like the fantasy and the role playing and the teasing and I think will like the . But I love Mr. Wonderful for taking care of me in small ways, every day and for showing me that he is in charge and that is a good thing. If we were able to truly be together as a couple, I sometimes wonder if we would venture into the realm of DD. Not sure...but that realm is something I've been thinking about recently...

Meeting Mr.Wonderful

2009-05-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

He put an ad on craigslist. He wanted an erotic pen pal. That was it. He made absolutely no mention of meeting, ever. I enjoy writing, I have a very active fantasy life in my head and I was not looking to meet anyone, especially as my marriage ended. So I answered. I sent an email to his post address. My first email was 1 sentence, exactly 5 words. "What are you looking for?" And we began. When we started, he was using a fake name (I would find out later) and I was using simply my first initial. We sent each other fantasies. Then he started asking me questions about myself. I didn't reveal a lot at first, but he seemed genuinely interested. He seemed like a decent, caring, good guy. A few weeks in, I signed an email with my entire first name. He left me a birthday card in the erotic section of a book store. All this before we met. Then we met. And it was magic. It is magic. I can't even explain it. I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. I love him. This is not a "happily ever after" relationship, it came with an expiration date and I knew that. I don't know how long it will last, but the funny thing is, I can't complain. This is what I signed up for but despite this, I feel happier than I ever have.
Part of that is sex. I have had so little sex (and zero fulfilling sex) in...WOW!!!...5 or 6 years maybe more. That shocks me...because I have always loved sex...more on that later...
But I honestly feel like the biggest part of this was a month of erotic emails, outlining out deepest desires. Before we had ever laid eyes on each other, we knew what the other liked and didn't...we spent all this time detailing and discussing but honestly, except for 1 fantasy that involved spanking, I never brought it up to him. I don't tend to bring it up much, because it can be tricky, in my experience. Some judge...harshly. I didn't think he would, but you just never know.
I started off slowly, asking him to pull my hair. I love having my hair pulled. It's super thick, so it's really difficult to do any real damage with it and it just intensifies everything. He said he loved the way my body reacted when he did it. So once I saw how into that he was, I brought up the topic of his slapping my ass. He is very concerned about hurting me. He took the slapping my ass as a little fun diversion during sex and that was fine, at first. Looking at it from the perspective of "Hey this is more than I've had before, EVER..." I enjoyed it. Last time we were together (nearing our 3 month anniversary), he seemed to be a little more intent on slapping my ass harder. It was amazing. It wasn't an actual spanking, but it was coming along. The problem was, when he left both times (we met at lunch for a "quicky" and then came back after work for a few hours), my ass? Not even red. He gave me some pretty fair wallops too, but so much as a slight pinkish tint. That was a little disappointing. Also, what I realized was that evening, the next day, there were no residual effects.
These days I am all about taking responsibility for my own actions. I am really working hard on that. If I wanted a bright red ass and I wanted to be tingling and sore the next day or two...if I wanted my fantasies fulfilled, I had to overcome all awkwardness, all fear, all embarrassment, and tell him. I could not pussy foot around this issue.
I asked him first, via email, if he wanted me to do something and I was uncomfortable with it and said no, would that make him angry? He replied no, of course not. (He really is a wonderful man who cares for me). With that being established, I asked him if he knew that anything I asked, he could also say no to, because while everything was wonderful, I felt like he was the kind of person who might engage in something that was important to me, even if it was outside his own comfort level and that would make my enjoyment decrease and I didn't want him uncomfortable. He said he would tell me. So I just laid it out. I told him (knowing he would like this) that I would dress up in a school girl outfit and pigtails, and I wanted to provide a paddle and I wanted him to use it. The first thing I made clear was that beyond that, he was in control. I wanted to be bent over something or over his lap, but that wasn't my decision. If he wanted to scold me, call me "Young lady" make me say "yes sir" these were all suggestions, but none of them deal breakers. I did ask that he not kiss me, not pull my hair, not touch me in anyway while he was spanking me. I didn't want it to be a part of sex, I wanted it to be separate and if I didn't feel it the next day, then I wasn't really where I wanted to be. These were all things I stated with respect and deference, but I felt I needed to be crystal clear that I wanted him in control. Did he want to spank me and then stop and then start again? Did he want to just do it in rapid progression? These were not my decisions. In (obsessively) reading some DD blogs lately, the absolute hottest thing I've found is the Dom asking who is in control? Who makes the decisions? Who does this ass belong to? Who decides when this starts and stops? And the Sub has to say "You do." I want that. More later on my internal debate about DD & me, but I want Mr. Wonderful in charge, I want him in control, I want to completely submit to him and I want a spanking...ASAP!!! I want to at least get through this and see where I'm at. There is nothing about this that sounds wrong or undesirable.
Mr. Wonderful has agreed. He draws the line at slapping my face, which is fine. I mentioned it in a fantasy, but not that interested in it (too many possibilities of the outside world seeing any discoloration and not really my thing anyway). He seems turned on by it. So I guess, (hopefully soon!!!) we'll see.

Here it is - First post

2009-05-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

My first discipline blog. I have another blog for general stuff, but a lot of people I know read it, so I decided to start a different one. What changed? Everything.
I am 39. I have spent exactly (to the day almost) 1/3 of my life with a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am ending that relationship (after a 2 year separation where we live together and the 6 years before that not being all that great!), I am looking at a new life, new opportunities and also reconnecting with old desires.
I can't remember a time when I was NOT interested in spanking. From the time I was a small child. I don't know why or how. It's a lot like my addiction (more on that later!). My sponsor says the REASONS don't matter. My mother occasionally spanked us, no big deal. My father, who was barely ever around, and chose to turn his back on us after their divorce, was VERY much a discipline guy. He didn't want us around but he was convinced my mother was ruining us by spoiling us, so while I don't remember a lot of spankings or whippings from him, he threatened A LOT and we were terrified of him. There was very little love. A LOT of fear. Maybe there is no connection because my fascination with spanking was never really a negative. I sought out books as a child where other children were spanked. I loved reading those parts over and over again. It made me feel...I can't even explain it. Maybe it was normal childhood curiosity. It wasn't an inappropriate sexual feeling, but looking back, it was definitely the start of sexual urges, maybe. I've never been molested, I've never really been physically abused. My mother, for all her faults, instilled a really healthy attitude towards sex in me and as I got older, my fascination with spanking continued...unfortunately I wasn't sure what to do about it. The people I was sleeping with, while nice or whatever, never felt like people I could approach. And if they were, and I did, they seemed to kind of freak out. Last year, I very calmly and with as much delicacy as I could, asked a sexual partner to pull my hair a little. You honestly would have thought I asked them to have sex with an barnyard animal.
So here I am...mid life (not old, but let's face it, if I live to 80, I'm 1/2 way there), about to be divorced and ready to move on. Ready to reclaim what I never had. A life that, in some form, involves discipline. I'm entitled to have a fulfilling sex life...I'm entitled to ask for what I want, and if I can't get it, to move on. My ex (still living with him, still legally married until next year, but absolutely most definitely my ex in every sense of the word) slapped my ass once or twice, but was never all that into it and honestly, I was so busy trying to make him love me, I didn't push the issue...but now, things are changing, things are different, my life belongs to me...it is (sorry...no way around it...roll your eyes now!!!) brand spanking new and I'm ready to take it all in!